This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
To further my plan and kill Aquaman in an elegant and — if I may say — a poetic fashion, I’d first need some radio jamming equipment. I had a dealer downtown who often dealt in electronics of questionable legality, but before I got there, I noticed a pair of eyes in a window three stories above me.
Damnable monkey eyes. Staring at me. Boring into my soul.
Apparently the lone survivor had followed me, deciding to attack me when I was away from home… when I was more vulnerable.
I pulled out my .45. If the monkey wanted to end things now, I was game.
I charged into the apartment building, running to the third story and counting doors until I was pretty sure I had the apartment the monkey must have hid in. I then kicked in the door as I disengaged the thumb safety on my gun.
The family inside screamed at me. “It’s okay; I’m a popular blogger,” I told them as I kept my eyes down the sights of my gun looking for monkey movement.
I heard scurrying and fired two shots through the wall.
“Maybe we should call the police,” the mother there said.
I grabbed the cordless phone from her and smashed it against the wall. “They’d only get in the way.” I heard a window open and ran into the kitchen. The breeze billowed the drapes and I looked out the window for the monkey expecting to see him scurrying down the a pipe.
A cabinet popped open behind. I spun around and tried to aim my gun, but I was too late. I got off one unaimed shot before two monkey feet slammed me in chest sending me out the window. I plummeted towards the streets, smashing into a soft top car. Through pained-filled eyes, I could see the monkey jump out the window and fly off in a little monkey hang glider.
Outsmarted by a monkey. It was not a good day.
“Having trouble, Mr. Fleming?”
I recognized the voice. It was Aquaman. I groped around me until I found my gun. I then put it back into its in-the-waist holster and rolled off of the car. “I’m doing awesome. How are those swimming lessons at the Y working out for you?”
He glared at me. “I’m keeping an eye on you.”
I shrugged. “What? Is it suddenly illegal to fall out of a window?” I walked off to finish my errand.
I still can’t believe his obsession with me; it’s not like he actually cares about some dead monkeys. It’s not my fault what happened to you last year, Mr. Curry, but, when you die, it will be by my hands.
That I swear.
The ultimate Aquaman/monkey trap:
I have figured out the strategy that will kill both Aquaman and the remaining monkey.
1. Contact Nancy Pelosi, and tell her you are leader of the “Draft Nan” party, and your group wants her to speak at your meeting. No politician could resist that.
2. Once she appears, net her and hang her from the high board of a swimming pool.
3. Toss a few goldfish in the pool.
4. The goldfish will warn and summon Aquaman.
5. No monkey, especially flying monkeys can resist the Wicked Witch of the West. He will come out of hiding.
6. When Aquaman is in the pool, and the monkey is trying to untie San Fran Nan, cut the rope holding her net in the air.
Everyone knows that water melts the Wicked Witch of the West, and as she melts, her caustic (lack of) personality leaches into the water. The caustic water burns through Aquaman’s gills, and poisons both him and the monkey! Best of all, you have improved the human race by eliminating a major threat-Pelosi’s mouth!
Silly FrankJ. Don’t you know that even if you manage to kill Aquaman he’ll just come back to life about a week later? These superhero-types are like cockroaches, you just can’t get rid of them.
I hope Aquaman didn’t tell you that you have a “purty mouth” or to “bark like a seal”. I guess you were lucky you landed on your back….
Hmmm, still no ninjas.
AquaMan is waiting for his opportunity. Next time you go out a window and it takes you awhile to wake up…I’m guessin’ that you might have one more sore spot to tend…
Any chance of us getting one of these State of The Frank Reports in FrankJ Artist comic book form? That would rock! :o)
Does that telepathic crap work on all marine life, or just fish? Cause if it’s just fish, you could probably get a dolphin to attach a bomb to Aquafag, like in “Day of The Dolphin” (screenplay by Buck Henry, of all people):
“Aquafag bad. Aquafag try to hurt Pa. Pha put ball on Aquafag. Pha find Aquafag and put ball on. Pha go now.”
“It’s okay; I’m a popular blogger,”
your best line in recent memory.
“It’s okay; I’m a popular blogger,”
Oh man, that’s funny. I had to stop reading right there and compose myself. Not that you’re not a popular blogger, just the thought of someone saying that instead of “It’s okay; I’m a police officer” is just too funny.