WHO Urges Terrorist Ban At Work

GENEVA (Reuters) – Following the World Health Organization’s recent call for a world-wide ban on public smoking, the WHO now also wants a global ban on terrorists at work and in enclosed public places.
The United Nations agency said a ban would help limit non-terrorists’ exposure to high explosives, which – though not nearly as dangerous as the heart disease and respiratory illnesses caused by second-hand smoke – can still cause injury through concussive organ damage and blood loss from high-velocity shrapnel penetration.
“The evidence is clear, there is no safe level of exposure to ball-bearings propelled by C4,” said WHO Director-General Margaret Chan in a statement ahead of World No Terrorists Day which will be observed on Thursday, May 31st for the first time.
“Many countries have already taken action. Iran, for example, makes people go all to way to Iraq before allowing them to blow themselves up. I urge all countries that have not yet done so to take this immediate and important step to protect the health of their citizens,” she said.

“This ban violates my Detonative Human Rights!”

 A number of EU countries, including France, Spain, Ireland and Portugal are among those to have introduced such bans. Islamic residents in these countries, however, consider these bans to be unfair, if not downright racist. “It’s my body” said one protester, “I should be able to scatter its parts anywhere I want. So what if a few Jews or Infidels get in the way? At least I’m not blowing cigarette smoke at them.”
The Geneva-based agency said its recommendation was based on three studies on terrorists, two in the United States and one by the International Agency for Research on Persons of Explosion.
“By July 1, 240 million people worldwide will be protected by terrorist-free legislation,” said Wayne Kao of the International Union Against Frustrated Muslim Men Compensating for Puny and Inadequately Functioning Genitalia, which supports a terrorist-free world.
“Unfortunately, that number is less than 4 percent of the world population,” Kao told a news conference, “Well… actually more like zero percent, since murder is already illegal and passing another law ain’t gonna do jack.”
The WHO said some 200,000 civilians die each year due to exposure to terrorist explosive devices at work, while around 700 million children – around half the world’s total – breathe air polluted by flying ball-bearings, poison-coated fishhooks, and other bomb vest enhancing materials, particularly while minding their own business in shops or restaurants.
The agency says that Islam is the leading cause of preventable deaths worldwide. The number of murderous Mohammedeans is rising rapidly in developing countries.
Armando Peruga, head of WHO’s Terrorist-Free Initiative, told reporters, “remove the pollutant — terrorists — by implementing 100 percent splodey-dope-free environments. Stern looks and designated exploding areas do not reduce exposure to a safe level of risk. It’s time to use to awesome power of legislation! NOTHING can stand against its fearsome might!”
Member countries of an international treaty against terrorism, the 2003 WHO-backed Framework Convention on Crazy Muslim Control, are due to discuss guidelines on exposure to second-hand shrapnel at a meeting in Bangkok starting on June 30.

IMAO Exclusive: The White House’s and WSJ’s Immigration Bill FAQ

Due to my numerous contacts, I’ve received the FAQ the White House is going to soon put out to answer people’s concerns about the immigration bill. It was written with help from the editorial staff at the Wall Street Journal. Here it is:
IMMIGRATION BILL FAQ
Q. I’m concerned that the immigration bill focuses more on giving illegal immigrants amnesty than border protection. Does the President share these concerns?
A. The President doesn’t hate brown people.
Q. This isn’t a racial issue. Many people think this bill will only encourage more illegal immigration and leave our borders open and dangerous. What are the answer to these charges?
A. To answer your underlying question, I’m afraid the the President is against your proposal to commit genocide against Hispanics.
Q. This isn’t about Hispanics! This is about our laws being respected and our national security!
A. Unfortunately, America has had a long history of closed-minded bigots like you who hate all immigrants and want to keep the nation white and pure. To answer what we can only assume will be your next question, no, jackboots aren’t tax deductible, but have fun in your neo-Nazi march anyway.
Q. I’m not against immigrants! Why can’t you people understand there is a difference between legal and illegal immigration?! I’m only objecting to the illegal ones!
A. Calm down. It’s this frothing at the mouth anger that causes your irrational views on immigration. To answer your other concerns, Hispanics actually have excellent hygiene, are not lazy, and aren’t all criminals. Also, there has been no genetic evidence that Hispanics are inferior to the white man. I’d be careful about believing just any pamphlet handed out at your KKK meetings.
Q. With President Bush already having shaky support, do you think it’s wise to label people with legitimate concerns about illegal immigration “racists”?
A. Did anyone ever tell you have many blatantly homosexual tendencies?
Q. That’s it. I’m leaving the Republican Party.
A. And go where? The Green Party? Yeah, you have fun with that you brown-people hating, Nazi homo. Thanks for the questions!

A Frank Amnesty Plan

Much of what makes Americans so mad about the amnesty proposals is the idea that people can come here, crap all over our laws, and get no punishment for it. Can we be taken seriously as a country with such an attitude? How long would it be until Canada starts stealing our silverware on its visits here? If people disobey us, the greatest nation on earth, there must always be consequences.
Always.
On the other hand, most illegal immigrants just came here for a better life. They had the horrible misfortune of being born in the dirt-poor and corrupt Mexico and wanted to come to America — like any rational person. If someone truly wants to become an American, I would like to give him or her the opportunity. When immigration works best is when people have to work hard to be Americans and thus appreciate American values even more than those of us who were given our place here simply through birth. So, I’m quite happy with the illegal immigrants who came here from Mexico eventually becoming citizens… but as punishment for their law-breaking, they’ll have to do a bit more than those who took the legal path.
Now, some have put the punishment as fines and paying back-taxes, but that serves no point. The Mexicans came here because they’re poor, so any fine is going to be a high hurdle. Also, what good do those fines do us? The money is just going to go to more wasteful spending on turnip subsides and health care for old people (they’re of no more use to us; why keep them alive?). If the Mexicans here illegally want to become citizens, let’s have them do something useful for all Americans while simultaneous proving their zeal for American ideals. Let’s have them…

Continue reading ‘A Frank Amnesty Plan’ »

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

With Fred Thompson departing from Law & Order, it’s now being renamed The Cops and Lawyers Fun Hour.

After Much Thought, Fred Thompson Has Decided We’re Worthy

It’s starting to sound pretty official: Fred Thompson will join the race on July 4th. He also might start taking donations on my birthday, June 4th, which derails my plans to ask you for money that day because who is going to give me money when you could instead give it to Fred Thompson.
Anyway, make sure you have a Fred Thompson Facts t-shirt for when he announces on Independence Day (I’ll get your money yet!).

Good News, Muslims!

The results of a new poll was just released, and 62% of Americans don’t strongly believe we should nuke Mecca. Obviously, the belief that most Americans have become anti-Muslim is wrong.

I Want My Hugo TV!

Many people in Venezuela are protesting Hugo Chavez shutting down the most viewed television station in the country. Do not fret, Venezuelans, because it’s crappy opposition programming will be replaced with all new, Hugo-approved shows. One will be the long awaited sitcom Everyone Loves Hugo (Or Gets Shot with Rubber Bullets). You can’t help but laugh every time he says his hilarious catchphrase “It sure smells like sulfur in here!” (and if you don’t laugh, be careful to not get hit in the face with the rubber bullets).
It will show every Tuesday unless they’re a coup.

The End of an Era and the Effects on Those with Dumb Monkey Faces

He’s all they know.

Despite it being about a year and a half away, liberals are already freaking out over the fact that President Bush will be out of office in January 2009. Yesterday, the most commented on diary (over 750 comments at last check) at The Daily Kos was about the possibility that President Bush will refuse to leave office and round everyone up into camps. This is the liberals greatest hope, because, for them, life without Bush is completely unimaginable.
As I detailed some time ago, many liberals now lack a coherent political philosophy and instead have centered all their beliefs around President Bush. When President Bush leaves office, they will no longer know what to think. They will be able to salvage some semblance of their belief system if a Republican is elected, but they will be devastated if a Democrat become President. They probably won’t even know whether to still protest the war, because what would be the point in stopping it now that President Bush is gone? In a life centered around President Bush, there would be no point to that activity whatsoever.
Maybe they will move on to heckling the civilian George Bush, but then they’ll see the political world move on without them. Didn’t the hatred against President Bush have something to do with politics? Liberals are so far gone now they probably can’t remember. Without President Bush, they’ll be like new born babes, having to rebuild a system of thought from scratch while smelling of poo. I’d expect sites like The Daily Kos to actually shut down amidst the confusion as they’ll probably turn on each other like savage animals as they no longer have a single entity to direct their hate against and give purpose to their pathetic lives.
Whatever the result, it will certainly give plenty of fodder to psychologist writing research papers. And if we can ever figure out exactly how a mediocre President could elicit such hatred, perhaps it can be used against our enemies (for any liberals reading this, “enemies” refers to terrorists and not Bush and friends).

Good News, Everyone!

The results of a new poll of American Muslims was just released, and a full 74% of them don’t want to stab you in the groin and eat your eyeballs. It can thus be said that Muslims in America have integrated into society much better than many have feared (you don’t want to see the poll results on that for Muslims in Europe, though).

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

They say that after a nuclear blast, the only things that will survive will be cockroaches and Fred Thompson… except that Fred Thompson doesn’t like cockroaches. So the only thing that will survive will be Fred Thompson.

CO2 Emissions Down; Environmentalist Unemployment Up

Sad news for the global warming crowd, as US emissions of CO2 have actually dropped 1.3% in 2006, despite having an economy that grew 3.3% during the same year.
Which, I guess, means that Bush has saved the planet.
But what other effects will this have? I predict thusly:


  • President Bush scraps plans for emergency Presidential escape rocket to Mars
  • Environmentalists stop talking about “climate change” and start talking about “fries with that”.
  • Dole company abandons Alaskan pineapple plantation complex.
  • Al Gore wept.
  • Skyrocketing sales of “I Told You So” T-shirts to climate change deniers.
  • “Kyoto” once again only notable for being an anagram of “Tokyo”.
  • Powerful computers used to model world climate switched to BitTorrenting pirated MP3’s.
  • South American rainforest ecosystems collapse as trees succumb to oxygen poisoning.
  • New York Times headline: “Bush Fails to Prevent Global Temperature Stagnation Crisis”.
  • Sheryl Crow back to twirling Charmin around her hand like spaghetti on a fork.

As for me, it’s all about the running over hippies with my SUV.
Some things never change.

Bad Form?

Is it bad form to hotlink an image which has been stolen from the site you are hotlinking it at?

Reference
Update: Seems like they are raising money for MS. I guess it WAS bad form.

We’ve All Been Elisabeth Hasselbeck
An Editorial by Frank J.

 If someone came up to you and started rattling off the reasons that the moon landing was faked, could you respond?

 “You can see the flag wave in the wind! And the photos lacked stars! And they all would have died traveling through the Van Allen radiation belt!”

 If you’re like most Americans, you’d know the guy is a crank but you would have no idea how to respond to each of his crazed points other than to punch him in his dumb monkey face and yell, “You’re a crank! Stop with the mouth moving and the sound coming out of it, you nitwit!”

 A political ambush is hard to respond to in a reasonable fashion, because the crank controls the battlefield by spouting out “facts” you are ill-prepared for. Any idiot can read some article or some internet ramblings and then recite them to the unsuspecting… and many idiots do. The fool then thinks he won the debate when all he’s done is left you confused and surprised.

There’s no wind on the moon, but the flag is waving! And where are the stars?

 This is why many sympathized with poor Elisabeth Hasselbeck who was met with this scenario constantly and on live television with no escape. Hasselbeck already had to deal with the insufferable and pea-brained Joy Behar who could recite Democrat talking points with the near accuracy of a trained parrot — annoying but predictable — but then came the raging monstrosity of Rosie O’Donnell. She’s pure hate and stupidity squished into one amorphous blob with but one goal: To make people think it’s smart. Rosie had the public’s laughter — as any clown could claim — but she wanted their respect. So she — through either design or through accident of her chubby fingers mistyping as they mashed against her sticky keyboard — came to websites with ideas even outside the mainstream of what’s referred to as “liberal thought.”

 “When I tell the people these things they don’t know, I will be the smart one!” she burbled to herself as her many chins were lit by the glow of her nacho cheese-stained monitor. “They will love and respect me!”

 Of course, to look smart, it helps to have another look dumb, and Rosie had the perfect foil in Elisabeth Hasselbeck, as that woman dared to be everything Rosie wasn’t: slim, blond, attractive, and heterosexual. Worst yet, Hasselbeck was a Republican, and, by the understanding Rosie had as taught by her friends in Hollywood, people only became Republicans as an expression of their love of evil.

 So Rosie spouted her shiny new ideas aimed at the young Hasselbeck with Behar snickering all the while out of a nervous habit of incomprehension. Many criticized Hasselbeck for not standing in front of the charging, lesbian rhino, meeting force with force, but that ignores the ambush taking place and that Hasselbeck is no pundit — she is only as well informed as any regular American. How could she be prepared for the assertion that the World Trade Center Building 7 was blown up by the government? And if someone came up to you and loudly and obnoxiously stated that fire could not melt steel, how long would it take you to recover from the shock of the surrealness of the situation to respond?

 Hasselbeck had not signed on to fight against a hippopotamus thrashing about in waters of ignorance and conspiracy, but she tried in her own meek manner. The second time the WTC 7 was brought up, she was prepared to meet Rosie with some facts, but she was then broadsided by statements that Giuliani had shuttled steel off to China as a cover up. Lesson learned: You can’t stay ahead of a crank — not unless you’re willing to search out the facts of every single wacko conspiracy out there like some sort of Wikipedia Brown.

 But while Rosie thought she won the debate on stage since Hasselbeck never rose to meet her fury, she was not prepared for the reaction of the public at large. Apparently people took the “facts” Rosie put out there and then followed them to their logical conclusions. This caught Rosie off guard because she lacks the mental capacity to reach those logical conclusions herself. It may seem obvious to you that if someone states that our troops killed 655,000 Iraqis and then asks, “Who are the real terrorists?”, the implication is that our troops are terrorists. But Rosie was really just asking a question she didn’t know the answer to. She thought she could just spout things she read on the internet and sound smart; she had no idea people would put any meaning to the things she was saying. Thus the real pain in her eyes when she asked Hasselbeck, “Do you believe I think the troops are terrorists?” The correct answer would be, “No, I don’t believe you have any political thought quite that coherent.”

 How the now despised Rosie lashed out at little Hasselbeck, a warthog snarling at a bunny. Her attempts to look smart and gain love and respect had failed horribly, and her only consolation was batting around the blond woman in front of a studio audience. But finally Hasselbeck struck back, meeting the blubbering intensity of Rosie with equal passion. Thoroughly defeated, she called Hasselbeck a coward and quickly waddled away to her swamp to write her faux-poetry on her blog which resembled what one would expect to be the result if one of those signing chimps were taught to type. And cheer we all did, for Hasselbeck, no greater than the rest of us, struck a blow for all those ever cornered by an obnoxious idiot so fool and pitiful as to convince himself that he’s smart.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist who is against the idea of women being left alone to chat about politics.

Question

Is there anyone nuttier than Ron Paul supporters?
You may say it’s a false question since Gallup was unable to find an actual Ron Paul supporter. Thus, there’s no evidence yet that his denizens on the internet are anything other sock puppets. But whoever is spamming internet polls and blog comments — whether it be Ron Paul or someone associated with him — has to be quite mad.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson had never considered anything a monkey has done to be funny. Even those with roller skates on.