Ok, so I’m a day behind on Idol. Big whoop. Last night was a big whoop night anyway. Maybe I’ll get tonight’s recap up by late tonight, or maybe it’ll be up tomorrow. Don’t tell me who the big loser is tonight! (I’m guessing Kiki and her giant boobies, which she unbridled anew last night. Yes, that’s my official prediction: LaKisha and her enormous milk canisters and even more enormous ego — HE’S BARRY GIBB! LISTEN TO HIM! — go home tonight. Word to your mothers. And if it’s not her, it’s Comrade Blahk. Eastern Blahk, that is. Haaaaaa, I’m hilarious. You know it. Laugh.) BTW, LaKisha? Nothing but a panderer.
Anyway, on with last night. Let’s pretend I’m just now watching for the first time.
Hey y’all! Blake looks like a communist in headlights as the only guy left in the running this year. Is that Judge Judy in the audience? It totally looks like her. Ryan says it’s important to vote. And you know what? He’s right, because Joey and Kym were in the bottom two last night? What?? And it’s true, I forgot to vote. Ian and Cheryl danced to that commie song! Not to mention that Ian isn’t even in the same league with Joey or Laila or Apolo O-Yes (whoa). The clear top two are Apolo and Julianne and Joey and Kym. Laila and Maks are third (sorry, but she has total spaghetti arms, and his choreography is not nearly as inventive! Plus, he totally tried to snake Mike Modano’s girl last year, so I don’t like him. Boo.), and Ian and Cheryl are fourth. I guess there are a lot of thirty-something gay guys out there who LOVED 90210 still voting for Ian and Cheryl. It’s the only explanation. I mean, you saw Cheryl’s face when they were not in the bottom two, right? She was like, “Holy crap! I want a recount! Did you even see the way this guy holds onto me like I’m a mildewy rag he’s taking to the hamper? ‘Ew, ew, ew, it’s a woman, get it off me!’ Are you sure we’re not in the bottom two? They show his hair on TV, right?”
/DWTS tangent
So tonight they sing twice. I was wrong, Frank was right. And it’s Barry Gibb night. Yes, yes, yes. I LOVE the BeeGees and all forms of any Gibb anywhere.
OH! Seriously (not to say that my talk about loving Gibbs is not serious, because peeps, it IS serious, just ask my mom, who got me hooked, Jordin), I was painting or cleaning the kitchen last night when the show was on, i.e., not looking at the screen, and when they played the BeeGees hit parade, I happily listened until “How Deep is Your Love” came on. And it sounded soooo. Verrrrrry. ‘NSYNC. I know the period thing is so. two. years ago. But it was warranted there, I promise. I almost knocked myself out trying to run to the TV. THEY WORKED WITH ‘NSYNC? How did I miss it? No, it was the BeeGees alone. Awesome.
“We’re living in a world of fools…” Enough with the Sanjaya jokes, ok? It’s over.
And when did Barry Gibb decide that he’s Sean Connery? I could not get over it last night. Every time he spoke, I would bust into some James Bond line or other poor Connery impression. Frank eventually jumped into the game, too, even though he was painting the guest room. It looks great, btw. The color is so rich in there! And you look out the window, and there’s a palm tree. I’m not a big fan of palm trees. But it looks pretty, and I hear Floridians love them.
01 Melinda’s first song is “Love You Inside and Out,” which Barry was confused by, because it’s supposed to be a falsetto man song, and she isn’t going falsetto on it. Eventually he says she pulls it off, but I don’t see her shining on this. Mebbe, mebbe neh. Melinda says her goal is to take a group song and make it work in a solo. Uhhhhh… that’s so unusual on American Idol? Didn’t you have to do it just last week on Bon Jovi week? Anyway, I heart her, so I don’t want to bag on her too much. She looks great. Dark jeans, modest funky cool black blouse, black boots, cool jewelry, okay hair. She does fine on the song, but she’s not stretching herself or going for it or anything. I don’t feel like she’s putting herself out there like she’s Kiki’s boobies or Haley’s hoo-hah or Seacrest’s ambiguity. RANDY: Another solid performance. I don’t know if I was jumping up and down. SARAHK: Did you feel any jiggling movements? That’s how I can tell if I’m jumping up and down. Mainly my thighs and boobs start to hurt. We probably feel it in the same places. RANDY: But you know, it was good. PAULA: You know, it’s hard to critique you, because your vocals are spot on. We want to say whoa whoa whoa whoa. You’re consistent. SARAHK: Kind of like Pauler with the collagen and vodka. And wow, check out the eyeshadow on her tonight. SIMON: I think what Pauler was attempting to say was that was she wasn’t that impressed by it. You know, four people left… I expect incredible tonight. SARAHK: Hahahahahaha. Jordin and Melinda are the only ones who aren’t generally predictable, and Melinda is in danger of becoming boring. SIMON: That was not incredible. That was more of a backing vocalist’s performance. You are better than that. Luckily, you’ve got a second song. RYAN: Paula, is that what you were trying to say? PAULA: It’s good that I’m short and succinct, because we’re going to go over tonight because of him. SARAHK: Usually aren’t you the warble gooby deedler? SIMON (to Ryan with glee): You just got cut off by the music. SARAHK: Boof on you! In your face! Oh, snap! Y’all, it’s gettin’ hot up in here.
02 Comrade Blahk Ilyich Lewis is up next, and he is singing “You Should Be Dancing.” Barry says the beatboxing really suits the song, because there’s a breakdown area in the song. Ouch, right off the bat, we have issues. We now have white skunk tiger stripes in Comrade Blahk’s black hair, and I cannot take this joke seriously. He’s kidding, right? And he’s wearing flowers on his jacket. And some kind of priest collar. With the flowers. I’m pretty sure that’s a girl jacket. I think this week he is definitely trying for the Yoko look. If he comes in with little round glasses tonight or next week if (shudder) he’s back, we’ll know for sure that he is trying to be a Yoko Ono knockoff. The song isn’t too bad, except the very first note, which is way off-key. I don’t know, dawg, the falsetto on this was actually a’ight, and the skipping and whatnot was ok, but the overall effect just was way too… misguided, Arrested Development fans. Misguided. Mr. F. RANDY: Sometimes when you do the beatboxing it works. Tonight it didn’t work. Just keepin’ it real. This song didn’t need any of that. I just felt like I was in some weird discotheque in some foreign country. SARAHK: cough Germany cough SIMON: Germany. SARAHK: Ha. PAULA: I have a different take on that. I think it started a little off. Your pitch was off. You didn’t have the best night. You showed why you’re unique and why you’re on that stage. SARAHK: You had quite a lot of criticisms, so why not just tell him that he showed why he should go home? CRICKETS: chirp SARAHK: Too mean for Pauler? Oh yeah. SIMON: I’ll give you unique. And I know that this is a matter of personal taste, but I thought that that was a terrible performance. MUSIC: Do doot do doot do doot do doot… SIMON: I haven’t finished. SARAHK: Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

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