When Rosie O’Donnell leaves The View, who is going to inform us about such things as the Giuliani/China 9/11 Conspiracy? It certainly won’t be for, as you all know, I’m just not that creative.
It’s nice to see that Hasselbeck did some research since the last time this was brought up. I hope she stays true to her threat to get the Popular Mechanics guys on the show for The Big National 9/11 Conspiracy Debate (featuring Rosie O’Donnell). After they figure out whether the U.S. government bombed itself and framed Saudis to get us into an illegal war with Iraq, they can explore whether the Holocaust actually happened or did the Jews kill themselves and framed the Germans to get us into an illegal war with Japan.

Apparently, a Jewish holiday is in the planning stages.
(Maybe Comatose Qaddafi and Comatose Ariel Sharon can have a summit?)

I think the Fort Dix terror plot has reminded us that we aren’t taking terrorism seriously. Then again, since the terrorists were caught because they were in a Circuit City parking lot arguing who should make a copy of their jihad videotape (BTW, anyone got to see that yet? It should be funny), I guess the terrorists need to take terrorism more seriously too.
This is where we citizens concerned about terrorism get a bit confused. One of the reasons we’re concerned is because terrorism doesn’t seem that hard. If someone want to run into a crowded area and start shooting people or if they want to plant and set off a pipe bomb, it seems nearly impossible to stop them. Yet, for the five and half years since 9/11, terrorists just haven’t been able to pull it off. Crazy people can randomly kill lots of people, but those motivated by the will of Allah can’t quite make it happen. Of course, as I write this I’m afraid their going to pull off some huge attack in one of our cities and make this not so funny anymore, but we’ve been afraid of that to no end since the day after 9/11. Fifty years from now I’ll be shaking my old man fist and yelling, “They’ll come any day now! Just you watch! Ahh! My hip!”
So why has there not been a successfully attack on American soil by Al Qaeda or some other Islamic crazy fun club?
POSSIBLE REASONS MORE TERRORISM HAS NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL IN THE US

Doesn’t this guy look like he could do anything if he put his mind to it (except grow a decent beard)?

* Too Much Bureaucracy in Al Qaeda: Yeah, they could cause terror by just running out and shooting people, but if they want to get repaid for the bullets and automatics, they have to fill out a bunch of forms which then have to go to some cave in Pakistan to get approval. All this give American intelligence plenty of time to get expense approval for rounding up the terror cell since our inter-office mail works a lot quicker.
* They’re Idiots: Why don’t we have supervillians in real life? Because of capitalism. Anyone smart enough to become a supervillian can easily make lots of money legitimately. Same problem with smart terrorists. Anyone Al Qaeda gets over here to attack us with half a brain is probably soon going to find more fulfilling things to do with his time than blow himself up. You try and overthrow America using the world’s biggest losers.
* Too Busy Fighting Our Military Overseas: Maybe the whole idea of fighting them over there so we don’t fight them here actually works. I thought it was just government propaganda too, but where did all the terrorists go? The answer: Iraq!
* Too Scared of Mexicans: The terrorists are racist and scared of Mexicans (who isn’t? I shudder every time I see that Ducky has posted). They’re too frightened to attack us while Mexicans are flooding across the border. As soon as we solve the illegal immigration problem, that’s when the terrorists will get the courage to attack. Tom Tancredo will kill us all!
* Homeland Security Alert Levels Actually Work: You may laugh at the Homeland Security Alert Levels, but every time the terrorists see it go from yellow to orange, they exclaim, “They’re on to us! Trash the plans!” They’re just waiting for it to finally drop from yellow to blue to really hit us (little secret: It’s never ever going down to blue).
* President Bush Is Too Busy to Orchestrate New Terror Attacks Against America and Blame It on Saudis: Since we all know President Bush is actually behind the 9/11 attack, maybe he just hasn’t had enough time to build new conspiracies against his own country with the war in Iraq (and thus, once again, the war in Iraq really has saved us from more terrorism).
* Saving Energy for Super Giant Attack: When I asked SarahK why she thinks we haven’t had a big terrorist attack in so long, the theory she gave while cleaning the cat vomit off the shotgun (the cats have the entire house to throw up hairballs in and they choose the loaded shotgun under the bed; they really are trying to kill me) is that all these little unsuccessful attacks are just distractions while they plan some superhuge attack that will come any day now. It’s going to be like 24 except worse (they’re not just going to attack L.A.). Any day now, they’ll get us by surprise and then we’ll be under sharia law before we know it and I’ll be fined if I don’t beat my wife (and SarahK will shoot me in the face if I do beat her, so damned if I do, damned if I don’t).
* We’re Protected by Aquaman: After 9/11, Aquaman vowed to do everything he can to defend America, and as insane as the terrorists are, they won’t dare cross Aquaman, master of the seas. As soon as Black Manta (a prison convert to Islam) takes care of Aquaman, though, all bets are off.
* Summer Blockbusters: A big disadvantage of destroying America is that then the terrorists won’t get to see the big summer blockbuster movies. Like maybe for the past couple years the terrorists have been saying, “Let’s not destroy America until we at least get to see the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels; Jack Sparrow is awesome and his vague sexuality intrigues me.” After this summer, they’ll be all set to destroy America, but then one of the terrorists will say, “You know, next summer the next Batman movie is coming out, and it’s going to have the Joker. Maybe we should wait until 2009.” And thus Hollywood liberals really are our saviors!
* America God Much More Powerful than Allah: Allah keeps coming over here to lead his followers to victory, but then America God, the one true God, gives Allah a wedgie and shoves his head in the toilet. As a result, his followers become confused and accidentally run into walls and fall unconscious right on the steps of the local FBI building.