Two chicks and a communist walk onto a stage. No wait. I have no punchline. Scratch that.
Tonight, the judges each pick a song to sabotage someone, the producers pick a song to sabotage someone, the contestants pick a song to sabotage themselves.
01 Jordin is home in Glendale, Arizona, and the mayor tells her that Simon says (haha) to sing “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce. Jordin smiles big and claps and thinks, “I have no idea what that is!” Me either! Huh. So I wouldn’t have thought Simon would want to sabotage Jordin with such a boring song. Was it this boring in 1977? Should I come out now and admit that R&B generally makes me want to fry all my electronics so I can’t hear it? Ok, maybe my reaction isn’t that violent, but it does give me the blahs. I mean, all I ask for in a song is that it have a characteristic. Any characteristic. I guess uncharacteristic is a characteristic. Ok, you win, R&B. I give up. I hate the baby doll dress. I mean, I like it in the privacy of my own home. I have one like it in lime green, actually. I wear it when Frank and I are about to, you know, DO IT. White top, colored bodice, spaghetti straps, matching undies. I like the hair, though. Cute. I can’t say anything bad about the vocals, she sounded great, but the song was so change-the-station for me. RANDY: This is where I’m trying to see who’s in it to win it. That was a very good vocal, kinda blah blah blah Beyonce… SARAHK: Yes, you did remind me of Stephanie Edwards. ROWDI: Woof, woof, woof. SARAHK: LOL! RANDY: Yo, that was hot. PAULA: Simon picked a good song for you. SIMON: You sang it brilliantly, Jordin. I just wish we hadn’t done the weird jazz arrangement. I like the pure version of the song better. RYAN: So you didn’t like the song you chose. SIMON: No, you’re gay. RYAN: Were you surprised he chose that song for you? JORDIN: I had actually never heard that song before… SARAHK: No! JORDIN: So I was like “Ooooookay” but I loved it, so thank you! SARAHK: Just once, I want to hear a contestant say, “Thanks for sabotaging me. But I have two other songs tonight, and I’ll try to sing the crap out of them to bring myself back from the brink that your choice got me to. Hopefully these other numskulls chose equally nondescript songs for the other two! Go Jordin!”
02 Blake is in Bothell, Washington, where his Baby Mayor tells him that Paula chose “Roxanne” by the Police for him. That’s cute. Paula is having him sing about prostitution. So adorable for “family” shows. Song choice notwithstanding, commie thing notwithstanding, lemme try to opine. He looks fine, whatever. Is he trying to sing offkey, though? Maybe I haven’t heard “Roxanne” in a long time, but I remember the first syllable of that sweet prostitute’s name being higher in most cases than Blake is singing it. It’s almost like he’s singing Roxanne Lite, taking it lazy. Is it just me? Because I am thoroughly exhausted. It could be just me. RANDY: Great, great performance, I like the whole thing with the one hand on the mic stand. There were a couple of spots in there for me, and I’ve gotta give it an A. SARAHK: Huh. PAULA: (Seal clap.) SARAHK: Yay! And look at all your collagen and lip gloss! Yay! PAULA: You did me proud. I thought you were fantastic. You felt comfortable up there, you changed phrasing. It was good, it was fresh. SARAHK: Huh. SIMON: I’m not going to call that earthshattering, because it wasn’t. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: The problem with that song is that you’re always going to do an impression of Sting. SARAHK: That was NOT an impression of Sting. SIMON: It was good, it wasn’t great. (Boos from audience.) Oh, come on, you can’t say it was fantastic.
03 Melinda is in Nashville at the Governor’s mansion, it would seem, and the Governor says, “I don’t receive any faxes that start with ‘Check it out.’ Nice, Randy. And Randy can’t even refrain from name-dropping in his fax to the governor. The song is from one of the greatest singers in the known world, “and I’ve worked with her before.” Melinda is singing “I Believe in You and Me” by Whitney Houston. Have you, Randy? Have you worked with your pal Whitney? Then, this is my favorite part, the Governor misreads Randy’s name as “Randy Johnson.” Hahahahaha. Maybe he’s a baseball fan. He quickly corrects himself. Then, this is one of the reasons I love Melinda, Melinda smiles at the camera and says, “Thank you, Randy Johnson.” Yes, thank you for Melinda’s song choice. You’re the only one who picked a good song. Melinda’s hair looks great. I think she’s wearing Jordin’s hair from last week. I’ve wanted to hear her sing a balladish type song, and I knew she would do well. This is great. There’s a spot at the end where she almost has a little bit of trouble on the long, low note, but she pulls it out. Best of the night so far. Oh, and Frank was reading The Corner earlier for debate news and told me that K-Lo said Blake won round one… So they must have had a side game of Rock Paper Scissors going tonight, right? Because his offkey, lazy, half-rendition of the prostitute song was not half as good as Melinda’s first outing, and while Jordin was boring and wearing some of my lingerie, she was technically much better than Blake. K-Lo, I don’t like calling out other people on their opinions, because that’s just what they are–opinions–but to quote Randy’s good friend Whitney, crack is whack. RANDY: Check it out. I wanted to throw a little difficulty at you. I figured if you could do this song, you deserve to get the grand prize. You blew it out the box. SARAHK: What box? What does that mean? RANDY: You rose to the occasion, I liked that little falsetto thing. Well done. PAULA: Melinda, you were fantastic, amazing. And I think one of your best performances this season. SIMON: Very very difficult song to sing. I think it was one of your best performances in the last four weeks. SARAHK: Agreed. SIMON: And round one goes to Melinda. SARAHK: No doubt. And winner of Judges Pick the Songs this year is Randy Johnson! Go Big Unit!
Ha. Ryan is impersonating Randy’s yeah yeah yeahs, and Simon asks if he is drunk. “No, I’m totally sober. And totally straight. Unlike you.” “No, you’re gay!”

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