If Mexicans will do the jobs Americans won’t do, will they secure our borders?

Everyone has been trying to find new things to power cars with than oil (except for the oil companies who are trying to find the people trying to find new ways to power cars so they can bury them in unmarked graves). The best ideas so far have been things much more plentiful than oil, like electricity, alcohol, sunlight, and water — things not owned mainly by angry desert people. My own idea is a fire-powered car. You’d put fire in the car to power it. There would also be flames painted on the outside of the car and the words “FIRE-POWERED CAR” so everyone who would see it would go, “Wow! That’s got to be one fast car! It’s powered by fire!”

No, you’re gay.

Scienticians have come up with an even better idea, though: An air-powered car. It’s an awesome idea because there’s nothing on earth more plentiful that air. That’s why God made people air-powered with all the breathing and what not. It’s not like you can run out of air, either. There’s not places without air like there are deserts without water. And it doesn’t disappear at night like sunlight. The only place without air is space, and the one things we’ve learned from science fiction is stay out of space. It’s dangerous and had weird things that want to grow in our chest cavities.
Despite the plentifulness of air, the only thing people have been using air to power so far are things to shoot hobos with such as BB guns, super-soakers, and paint ball guns. Maybe that’s why no one had made an air-powered car: They thought about how much they’d have to pump the handle to just get to grocery store (“I just drove in from Chicago, and boy are my arms tired!”). We won’t have to pump a handle to power this car, though, because they decided to use technology to get the air into its compressed, powerful form. Whoever first though of using technology to solve problems must have been a really smart guy. Actually, I bet his name was Jimmy Technology and they named technology after him. Everyone probably just called it “smart stuff” before Jimmy showed them how to use it.
There are some worries about air-powered cars being dangerous with all that compressed air inside them (as opposed to cars filled with flameable, explosive liquid). It could be dangerous, but we won’t find out until people ram each other in them. That will be a fun day. Others who don’t like the car are people who want to commit suicide. Since what comes out of the exhaust is just more air, it’s very hard to commit suicide with.
Wow, the future sure is exciting. I hope we can find even more things to use air for, because there sure is plenty of it we’re not doing anything with.

By now you’ve probably heard about the Pew survey of American Muslims that showed 25% of them in favor of suicide bombings and only 40% of them believing that the 9/11 hijackers were Arab men.
If you’re not sure if you’ve heard of the survey, it was probably under a headline like “Muslims Love America and You’re Just a Paranoid Islamophobe for Thinking Otherwise”.
Anyway, here’s the 108-page pdf file of the actual survey so you can see for yourself what it says. But if you’re feeling lazy, here are some of the important numbers:

• 80% thought Rosie O’Donnell should wear a burka or at least a paper bag over her head.
• 72% think that we should’ve looked for Saddam’s WMD’s in his basement, since that’s where they keep their WMD’s.
• 83% want to fight global warming, unless said warming results from a nuclear strike on Israel.
• 51% said Lindsay Lohan would look hotter if she had four legs and a hump.
• 2% have an MP3 of John McCain singing “Bomb Iran” on their iPods.
• 92% visit IMAO every day hoping to read that something bad has happened to Laurence Simon.
• 7% can say “JOOOOOOS!” without reflexively shaking a fist in anger.
• 18% admitted to having a secret crush on Tom Selleck because of his Saddam-like moustache.
• 89% believe that fire can weaken steel enough to collapse a building or have plans to conduct full-scale tests of the theory.
• 34% just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to GEICO and gave it all to Al Qaeda.
• 68% want Michelle Malkin to do another video in that cheerleader outfit.
• 12% can never remember if “Allah” is spelled with one “l” or two.
• 31% have taped a sign that said “Fatwa Me” to someone’s back as a practical joke.
• 25% admitted to youthful experimentation with drawing Mohammed cartoons.
• 82% cheered at the end of “Old Yeller”.
• 100% cheered at the end of “V for Vendetta”.
• 8% regret the night they got REALLY drunk and let their friends talk them into getting that Piglet ankle-tattoo.
• 42% wonder why it’s not spelled “mosq”.
• 65% can always find the right direction to face during prayers, thanks to their Apple iMecca.
• 13% have used a Pittsburgh Steelers souvenier “Terrible Towel” as an emergency prayer rug.

Personally, I don’t think I need to know where Mecca is, since I’m sure there are plenty of American ICBM’s that already know it for me.