Recently, the Alabama’s Governor Bob Riley signed a resolution apologizing for slavery.
Of course, my first reaction was “That’s retarded! The slave-owners responsible are just as dead as the slaves who were victimized. No one alive has the moral authority to apologize, and no one alive has the moral authority to accept.”
On the other hand, perhaps I should be more open-minded and accepting of the concept of collective racial guilt. With that in mind, here’s a list of things that I think black people should apologize for:

• MC Hammer’s pants
• Words ending in “izzle”.
• Except “drizzle”. That one’s actually useful.
• OJ, but just the post-football career stuff.
• Tawana Brawley
• Urkel
• That thing Eddie Murphy said about my mom.
• I know he was just kidding, but that was HARSH!
• Using the name of a delicious chocolate sandwich cookie as a derogatory epithet.
• Every Spike Lee movie.
• “Who Let the Dogs Out”.
• Circling your fist in the air while going “WOO! WOO! WOO!”
• Seriously, guys, how hard is it to just clap your hands? I thought you people had rhythm.

I’d like to get an apology for Michael Jackson, too, but he did most of his bad stuff after he became white, so I guess I need to apologize on that one.
Sorry.