Archive of entries posted on 5th June 2007

The Bestest Entertainment News Ever Since Scrubs Got Renewed

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So’s your face. HaHA. Preemptive strike.
HERE IS THE SUPER-AWESOME MOTHER-OF-ALL-FANTASTICKEST OF FANTASTIC-SUPERTASTIC NEWS!
Can you handle it?
I’m not sure you can.
Take a deep breath kids. Maybe I should put it below the fold. No, I’ll wait till the end of the post.
The other thing is that Frank is painting our bedroom right now. The color is vanilla ice cream. No lie. We’ll see how that turns out.
Ok. Are y’all ready? Prepare yourselves. Alright. Bravo is doing a reality show called…

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The race to be Fred’s running mate

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First of all, I didn’t wanna watch. Frank is making me. I’m doing financial stuff, so to be watching political debate on top of personal and business accounting crap is not my idea of a fun evening. But I’m having too much fun with it, to be honest, and I have too much to say. Every time anyone says something stupid (McCain on amnesty, Giuliani on murdering babies), I have something to talk about. Every time they ask a stupid question that makes me ask, “Now why in the world are they asking that question? Why do I need to know that about a man who’s running for president?” I’ve got something to spew. So I figured I might as well share and stop talking over everyone so Frank can just read it at his leisure (or never read it, as is his custom) instead of my talking over everyone so he can’t hear the TV and we have to keep rewinding the DVR.
Now we came in late, because Fred’s not even in this thing, so who cares? Fred’s the next president, and every time he speaks, my heart for him just grows sweeter and sweeter. Why do I care what these guys have to say? I trust Fred’s judgment in picking a running mate. Plus, he’s gonna be on that show where they just yell over each other later anyway, and we’re Tivoing that bad-boy. Of course, who will be stupid enough to yell over Fred? Even H&C aren’t that dumb. Or desperate to die.
So here are my thoughts since we started watching:
McCain: It’s amnesty, English should be our first language, and did you say that Mexicans should speak Spanish in their own communities just like the Native Americans? Yeah, that’s fine. If you wanna round ’em up and put ’em in reservations like the Native Americans. I’m sure they’ll love it just as much as the Indians do. Arriba!
Giuliani: Every time that electronic buzz thing happens? That’s God saying you are NOT going to run HIS country. Sorry, bud. Better luck never.
Evolution questions: Seriously? Our next president needs to believe the same way I believe on creation vs. evolution? Heck, my own husband doesn’t even believe the same way I believe on that subject. And I have sex with that man. I have NO intentions of having sex with Fred. Nor his running mate. Though I’ve gotta say, this loony creationist Christian sure does like that Mike Huckabee a lot better now. Not for sex, just for president. So maybe you should ask more questions like this. You’re right! Who cares about the war? Forget taxes! Forget spending! Forget that pesky terrorism issue. Let’s talk about evolution and whether Paris Hilton should be allowed to keep her hair extensions in jail!
Brownback: Dude, what’s with the squinting? This is something I want to know about a potential vice president. You’re too Renee Zellwegger for me. Off with your head! Not literally, of course.
Romney: I was half expecting, after he said all the things he believed in, that he would say, “I believe in The Book of Mormon.” But he didn’t. And then he DID say, “I’m not gonna distance myself from my religion.”
ManBearPig: I LOVE that God keeps cutting out Giuliani’s mic. I am giggling every time. Is this topic ever going to be over? Hey, that Sam’s Choice tropical trail mix that you buy at Walmart is my very favorite trail mix ever. Haha, Romney just said Putin. His name always makes me laugh. Hey guys, in the ’70s, they said we were all gonna freeze to death, so don’t worry. This global warming is just making up for that Ice Age. We’re just evening things out now. It’s ok. Our livingroom looks so awesome. Oh no. They’re gonna let Ron Paul speak again. He’s a big bag of crazy. Welcome, oh ye Ron Paul googlers! Go back to your crazy land, shake hands with the leprechauns, and go to sleep. He’ll never EVER be president. Your breath is wasted yelling at me. (That’s called a preemptive strike, also called passing the time until the ManBearPig topic is oooooover.) Yay! A new question! No! Paul again!
Gays in the military and don’t ask don’t tell: Why don’t you let the military (below commander in chief) make policy. Like maybe… people closer to the ground. I say fine, if gay people wanna go kill terrorists, woohoo, go kill terrorists, ooh-rah! But I’m not in the military, and I have no idea what kind of complications that causes. Like in the barracks. They have separate men’s barracks and women’s barracks, right? And isn’t the main purpose of that (for practical reasons, let’s be adults) to keep them from having sex all the time, which would be disruptive and cause all kinds of problems? So if they start having open homosexuality all over the military, and you’ve got gay men in barracks with gay men, isn’t that going to be disruptive? Giuliani: time of war or not, boot camp, training, I think it would be disruptive. So I actually kinda think don’t ask don’t tell is pretty good. But again, I’ve never been in the military. There you go, McCain, there’s your soundbite. But what’s your answer? I hate soundbite answers. Anyway, I kinda think that if I were in the military, I’d rather not know if the girls in my unit were lusting after me (I mean, come on, look at me, why wouldn’t they?). Because I would so obsess on that. Because then it’d be like a guy being in your barracks (no, I didn’t just say that lesbians are guys, shut up with your twisting of my words), and you know he’s secretly watching you undress every night, and meanwhile, you’ve got your man waiting for you back stateside, and would he just quit looking at you? So I wouldn’t wanna know.
Tommy Thompson is annoying me more with every answer.
Brownback: I’m a cruel woman for saying this, and I am in no way saying that this guy is a creepy alleged child molester, but he kinda looks like JMK, that guy who said he killed JBR (the dead girl whose dad is dating that other missing probably dead girl’s mom). And actually, I don’t think Clinton (Bill) has been that bad as an ex-pres. Carter, on the other hand, has been most likely the worst president ever and the worst ex-president ever. Yeah, I said it.
Tancredo: Are they keeping him at the kiddie table? That’s the first time they let him talk? He looks mad. Also, I agree. I’d tell Bush to stay away from my house. I’m not a racist, and he’s not my friend anymore.
Huckabee talks like a pastor or preacher (the hand motions are correct).
Duncan Hunter: Would pardon Ramos and Compean. I’m ok with considering him as Thompson’s running mate.
The Scooter Libby thing: I was surprised that more people didn’t come out and say yes right away. Considering the ridiculous sentence, all that “not without looking at the transcript” nonsense. We all know what it was about. Make a decision, yes or no.
At halftime: McCain and Giuliani don’t look any better to me than they already did. Huckabee and Hunter looked fine when I saw them. I like Hunter’s answers for sure. I’ve known all along that I’d like to see him run with Fred so Romney is fine I guess but nothing special.
Well, anyway, we screwed up trying to do something special on the Tivo and lost the townhall portion of the debate. I was enjoying snarking it. Not American Idol fun, mind you. Whatever. Fred.

If I Ran the Campaign

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Fred Thompson will be on Hannity & Colmes after the Republican debate that’s going on as I type. My suggestion for what he should say:
“It was a great debate, but there’s one thing I can say that none of those candidates can…”
He turns to face the camera and it zooms for a close up.
“I’m Fred Thompson.”

Freight Train Fred! (Thompson)

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As you may have heard, Fred Thompson has already climbed to second place in the latest polling. I’m going to make a political prediction and say that, when Fred Thompson enters race, people will soon realize that, if they don’t vote for him, they could quite possibly die. Within two weeks he’ll be polling 100%. The Republicans will then just give him the nomination without even holding a election since an election implies the possibility that they would give the nomination to someone else — a grave insult to Fred Thompson. Then, to shake off bad publicity from the immigration bill, the Republicans will rename themselves the “Thompson Party.”
Man, I hope I get invited to the Thompson Party Convention so I can cheer along with all the other excited Thompsonicans!

Blowing Up JFK – An American Dream Denied
An Editorial By Harvey

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Like most Americans, accused terrorist mastermind Russell Defreitas had a dream.
In fact, his life was a series of dreams. Several of them fulfilled, one of them cruelly denied.
He left Guyana 30 years ago, seeking a dream of a better life in the US, which he realized. Then, he realized his dream of becoming a citizen of his new country. And after getting a job at JFK Airport as a cargo handler, he realized – as most working Americans eventually do – that his dream sucked. So he got a new dream.
Blowing up JFK Airport.
Sure, it’s probably not YOUR dream, and it’s definitely not mine since it contains neither cheerleaders nor Reddi-Wip, but does that really matter? Does our Constitution not say that “all dreams are created equal”? Are they not therefore all equally deserving of respect and admiration?

“I’ll bet that if Mr. Defreitas had snuck into the US illegally, Bush would’ve given him government grants and all the explosives he wanted, just like he did for all the Mexicans!”

And what of Russell’s motivation? He said that one reason for doing this was that he “wanted to do something to get those bastards”. Who among us has NOT gone to work at one time or another thinking just that very thing? True, most people limit themselves to passive-aggressive pranks like unplugging someone’s mouse or putting Ex-Lax in the coffee, but – magnitude aside – we can ALL relate, right?
The fact is, Russell was a visionary ahead of his time. The seeds of his ambitious plan to wreak deadly havoc on innocent civilians actually sprouted several years before the 9/11 attacks. One can just imagine his frustration on that September morning, realizing that his goal of grabbing world attention had been overshadowed by 19 people who had done it first and done it better.
But did he give up? Did he just sigh and mope and say “I’ll never be as good as those lucky Saudis”?
HELL no!
He did what any good American would do. He cranked it up a notch! He dared to dream bigger! Bolder! Blow-uppier! He vowed to create a terrorist attack that would make 9/11 look like a damp firecracker!
He envisioned a plan to destroy not just an few planes, but terminal buildings, fuel tanks, and miles of fuel pipeline.
His lofty ambition, however, was not without its share of equally lofty obstacles to overcome.
He needed help bringing his project to fruition. Sadly, thanks to the depradations of George Bush’s Crusade on Islam, the Al Qaeda members he tried to contact were either too busy or too dead to provide him with the assistance he needed. Still, his pluck and determination would not allow his hope to die. So, in the best MacGuyver-like tradition of Yankee ingenuity, he managed to make do with what he could find – some wide-eyed idealists from Trinidad. Yes, Russell had indeed taken lemons and made lemonade.
Things were looking up for this eager beaver. He even won the admiration of the FBI, who described Russell and his crew as “a very determined group”. It’s such determination which built this nation, so why shouldn’t it destroy it, too?
Unfortunately, Russell’s dreams were crushed under the jack-booted heel of President Bush, who had known about the project for months. I can’t believe the thoughtlessness of this man! Why didn’t he say something right away instead of teasing the poor guy and stringing him along like that? Even worse was Bush’s complete lack of support for this plan. I mean, Russell played by the rules in coming to this country and he actually became a citizen. I’ll bet that if Mr. Defreitas had snuck into the US illegally, Bush would’ve given him government grants and all the explosives he wanted, just like he did for all the Mexicans!
My theory is that, since the target was JFK airport, Bush couldn’t stand the thought of competing for attention with headlines about a president who makes him feel inferior! Too bad Russell didn’t plan to take out the Hoover Dam!
I think it’s tragic that in Bush’s America, Russell couldn’t get the help or explosives he needed to reach his goal. More good American terrorist jobs go overseas, and our President does nothing!
Most of all, though, it makes me ashamed to live in a country where chasing your dreams is no longer considered a laudable objective. When Joey Chestnut broke the world hot dog eating record, he got a year’s supply of hot dogs and a $250 gift card to the mall. But all Russell Defreitas got for trying to set a record for killing people in a domestic terrorist attack was the short end of the stick.
Shame on you, George Bush, you dirty dreamstealer.
Shame on you.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “”Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Exploded Pipelines: What America Means to Me”” and “Terrorists in Trinidad: A Shopper’s Guide”.

Stark Realization

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Every once in a while, you come to an uncomfortable truth. The courageous man doesn’t run from it and instead admits it. In that spirit, I must now say that, if forced to vote for a Democratic candidate, I would choose Hillary Clinton.
It pains me to even types. Hillary Clinton used to be the antithesis of everything I stood for back during the 90’s. Still, if I’m honest, she’s the only serious (or approaching serious) candidate of the Democrat front runners. Obama is… well… nothing. He’s like they just went outside and said to some guy, “Hey, kid; you got a nice smile. Want to be president?” He’d be a complete roll of the dice to the known evil that is Hillary. And, of course, Edwards is a prissy little girl in a man’s body. To clarify, I don’t think he’s gay as he’s still at the stage where he thinks boys are “icky.” We have rough men out killing the enemy as we speak; they’ve been through a lot, and they don’t deserve a preening sissy as their leader.
So, if I had to choose one as president, I’d pick Hillary Clinton. Luckily I don’t have to choose one, and none of you can make me.
Anyway, current polls finally have Obama getting competitive with Hillary, while Edwards is far behind (and also behind Gore if he’s in the race).
Discuss.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

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Terrorists hate us for our Fred Thompson.