HEILIGENDAMM, Germany (AP) — After a torrent of sharp exchanges, President Bush continued his diplomatic efforts with Vladimir Putin on Wednesday by saying Russia “ain’t got the balls to attack Europe”, despite a threat to aim missiles at the West.
“Russia is not going to attack Europe,” the president said, brushing off Putin’s warning that he would reposition Russian rockets in retaliation for an American-devised missile shield to be based in Poland and the Czech Republic. “That feeble collection of bushy-browed vodka-swillers doesn’t have the sack for a fight.”
“Russia is not an enemy,” Bush emphasized, “at least not one of any consequence or manhood.
“There needs to be no military response because we’re not at war with Russia,” Bush added. “Besides, it’d be like smacking around a Girl Scout troop.”

“Vladimir Putin puts on his war face.”

A day before meeting privately with Putin here, Bush appeared eager to put an end to the bickering over everything from criticism about Russia’s backslide on democracy to Putin’s complaints about U.S.-backed independence for Kosovo and a supposed new arms race triggered by Washington.
“There will be disagreements, probably every month or so when the girls in Moscow are ridin’ the red pony” the president said, relaxing in the sun during an interview with a handful of reporters before the annual summit of major industrialized countries. “That’s just the way life works. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I won’t personally bitch-slap that nutless Cossack Putin if he keeps mouthin’ off.”
Asked if he expected a tense session with Putin, Bush said, “Could be — I don’t think so, though. I’ll work to see that it’s not a tense meeting. Maybe I’ll give that little sissy some dolls to play with. That should keep Susie-Pu hushed up.”
The Russians projected a similar air, albeit one awash in the estrogen of their femininity.
Putin spokesman Dmitri Peskov said open hostility is “part of a constructive relationship”, promising “uncomfortable consequences” if the shield is deployed, and adding “we give ourselves the right to expect our partners to listen to our concerns.”
Bush, tieless and with his shirt sleeves rolled up, rolled his eyes impatiently. “Sounds like Ball-less Boris has been watching too much Lifetime,” he said dismissively. “Maybe those pansy hermaphrodites should stop by Poland and borrow a cup of testosterone.”
In the interview, Bush offered his case for why Russia should not worry about a U.S. missile shield in Europe.
“Russia has got an inventory that could overpower any missile defense system,” he said, “if they could shuck off their ballet tights long enough to push the launch button.”
“The practicality is that this is aimed at a country like Iran,” Bush explained, “since if they ended up with a nuclear weapon they might actually have the cojones to use it.”
Told that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had said it was too late to stop Iran’s nuclear program, Bush responded: “Well, the guy’s got stones, but not a lot of smarts. Paper beats rock, and a nuclear weapon beats a nuclear program. Guess Einsteinejad can’t do the math.”
A day after accusing Russia of backsliding on by putting major news media under state control, stripping governors of their independence and cracking down on nongovernment civic groups, Bush took pains to emphasize the positive.
“Society has advanced a long way from the old Soviet era,” he said. “There is a growing middle class, there is prosperity, there’s elections.”
“Sadly, though,” Bush concluded, “there’s also fewer testicles than Lance Armstrong.”