At the end of the Liberal-Reagan Airwave War, the Limbaugh Treaty clearly established AM talk radio as being the sovereign territory of conservative shows & hosts. Since that time there have been legal procedures in place to allow liberals to appear on radio, but too often, these laws have been flouted. Before examining a real solution, it’s important to understand the problem of illegal liberal talk radio immigration.
Stealing jobs – It’s often said that liberals are just “doing the jobs conservative radio talk show hosts won’t do”. At first glance, this seems true, since most liberal talk shows suck and end up at the bottom of the ratings heap.
Conservatives wouldn’t want to do that, right?
But the thing is, most of these are low-skill, entry-level positions and would be filled by people just entering the work force. Unlike liberals, conservatives would eventually get better and move up, making room for the next generation.

“I hate America, but I love strangling kittens!”

Crime – Some people claim that “liberals are people, too”. Interesting theory, but studies have shown that whenever liberals get illegally involved in talk radio, the crime rate skyrockets. Writing bad checks, stealing from children’s charities, strangling kittens… the list of their heinous misdeeds goes on and on.
Welfare abuse – Let’s lay to rest the myth of “the hard-working liberal”. Most liberals who come to our airwaves illegally waste no time getting on the public dole where they are content to receive fat checks from NPR which they squander on crack, tofu, and hemp-based clothing items.
Disgraceful!
These criminals are aided and abetted by their liberal buddies in congress who propose to “solve” this problem with the so-called “Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act”, currently being touted by Senator Kucinich (D – Mind Control Space Laserton). I’ll spare you all the legalistic mumbo-jumbo. What it boils down to is that it’s just amnesty for the liberals who are already on talk radio, plus it reduces the barriers to letting more of them in.
And how will this new crop of tree-hugging patchouli-ferrets get their jobs?
By stealing them from hard working conservatives, that’s how!
If that happens, talk radio will once again become the barren wasteland of lunacy it was before conservatives made the ideological desert of the airwaves bloom with laughter, song, and coherant thought.
But don’t despair. There’s a better solution. We could have REAL reform in four simple steps.
1) Protect the borders. We need to immediately set up fences around our radio stations. Fences with pointy barbed wire, and dog runs between them filled with rabid German Shepherds. And a minefield. Maybe a moat. Moats are cool. And we could put rabbits in the moat. Big, vicious swamp rabbits. Liberals are afraid of rabbits.
2) Mass deportation. Any liberals who are on our airwaves illegally should immediately be deported to whichever liberal arts campus or community college they came from. There they can go back to earing their PhD in Tolkein Mythology Studies or whatever they were working on before they got really stoned one night and accidentally signed up for Broadcast Communications classes. Plus, I hear the McDonald’s in the student commons is hiring.
3) Take corporate greed out of the equation. Companies like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting know they can get away with hiring desperate, talentless liberals for pennies a day. There should be harsh fines and penalties for this sort of exploitation.
4) A real path to radio citizenship: learning English. It’s simply not fair to radio audiences for them to have to put up with incomprehensible liberal monkey-jabber phrases like “Bush lied” or “global warming” or “conservative media bias”. NO one understands what that garbage means! If they can’t even master simple English grammar like not using the word “but” after the phrase “I support the troops”, they have no business in the communications industry.
Sane, sensible, simple.
And although the illegal liberal problem seems insurmountable, common sense airwave reform IS possible. Contact your Senators and congressmen now and tell them to vote NO on the “Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act”.
The kitten you save may be your own.