Things aren’t going great for Romney right now, but I think my image change suggestions from yesterday is probably a step in the right direction. I also liked the rumor I heard about him. While rumors they did hard time might be bad for some candidates, it would actually make Romney more interesting. Why do you think McCain is doing so well? It’s because the problems in the world today look like they could best be handled by a cranky old man. Similarly, people might trust a hardened criminal to look out for our interests against evil terrorists. If you really want to help Romney, act like it’s common knowledge he’s done time for violent felonies. In fact, his campaign should put out rumors about what a hardcore criminal Romney is but make it look like some other campaign is behind those rumors. They should then condemn the “smear tactic” while conspicuously not denying any of the rumors.
People are going to be like, “Romney is crazy, dude! Maybe he should run the country. At least it would keep him off the streets.”
So, start thinking of some rumors to spread. Until then, I thought I should share these facts about Romney I found out.
ROMNEY RUMORS
* Romney got a lot of free publicity for his presidential run since there a picture of him in every post office.
* Most of Mitt Romney’s teeth aren’t real since he had them all knocked in various bar fights. You might think that means he’s not a particularly good fighter, but it’s just because he keep fighting like six people at once. That guy does not back down. I tell you, he’s @#$% nuts.
* Man has yet to invent something that Romney can’t turn into a shiv.
Mitt Romney and his timber wolf Krull getting ready to raise hell.
* Most frequent campaigning advice Romney receives: “People frown on beating up cops.”
* Romney hasn’t been the biggest gun rights advocate because all his violent felonies means he can’t legally own one anyway. Actually, most gun dealers have up a picture of Romney in their store that says, “Whatever you do, don’t sell this guy a gun because he will @#$% kill people.”
* Romney wants to make sure everyone has healthcare… except for snitches.
* In the latest
Hitman video game, if in a mission you quietly kill your target without alerting anyone, you get the rating of “Silent Assassin.” If you ignore stealth and beat everyone to death with a shovel, you get a rating of “Mitt Romney.”
* Someone once made a joke that since Romney’s nickname is “Mitt,” he must be a catcher in prison. Emphasis on “once.”
* While Romney doesn’t punch hippies, when a hippie came to Romney asking him to sign a petition about the war, Romney stabbed him through the eye with the pen.
* Romney’s five sons have a total of eleven children and twelve prison sentences. It’s common knowledge that if you see all five Romney kids in once place, you get the @#$% out of there because some serious @#$% is about to go down.
* Romney cares about the environment so much he’s made sure his chop shop is equipped to handle hybrids.
* Romney plans to be president for four years, eight with good behavior.
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That sound… as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced… just John Edwards chipping his his nail polish two hours after a manicure.