You’re a homo!
NOTE: The purpose of this post is to better test the new IMAO rating system by creating a control post I know everyone will hate. I expect people to read this post, exclaim, “I’m not a homo! I’ll show you!” and then rate the post a half star. If you are a homosexual and your reaction to the post is, “That’s an apt description of me. I’ll shall rate this post highly,” please refrain from rating the post as you’ll skew the data. If you’re a homosexual and your reaction was, “While I am a homosexual, I find that term offensive and shall rate this post accordingly,” go ahead and rate the post. Thank you for your cooperation.
Archive of entries posted on 10th March 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Prologue – Enlightenment
“Hello, Doug. I’m the Devil.”
It was a wholly unremarkable man who sat across from Doug. What was remarkable is that they were seated in the midst of darkness. There was nothing at all visible to Doug except for himself and the Devil. “Where am I?”
“You’re in your bed. This is a dream.”
Doug processed that a moment. “Usually my dreams don’t tell me they’re dreams… even though it’s like really obvious they were dreams when I wake up because I was like flying and stuff.”
The Devil smiled. He seemed like a nice enough guy, though the meeting was certainly odd. “God is defeated — or so they say — which would make me the most powerful being in existence. Still, I’m used to treading lightly, and while I wanted to talk to you directly, I thought appearing to you in a dream was a more subtle way of doing it.”
Doug did not understand this at all, but he caught on to one part he knew was trouble. “Isn’t God just made up or something?”
“Perhaps.” He laughed. “It is the ‘Age of Enlightenment,’ so I can put it all in scientific terms if you prefer. It makes no difference to me.”
“Yeah… I’m not really good at science either.” When Doug was younger, people seemed to think that Doug learned concepts best through puppets, but the Devil didn’t seem to have any.
“Suffice to say, there was a powerful force that held your world in balance and now it’s gone. You’ve seen the consequences, haven’t you? Place where reality itself has begun to rip apart.”
Doug had seen the wastelands, areas of darkness where indescribable things moved in the shadows. No one ever entered those areas, and Doug knew no stories of anyone even trying to. When he was ten, his friend Bryce once dared him to walk up to the edge of one of the wastelands and throw a rock at it, but he chickened out.
“And the end of the human race has to be of concern for you,” the Devil continued. “No new births for over twenty years — not since the War that left you an orphan.”
It was a concern for Doug, though he knew it wasn’t supposed to be. The explanation was that the change in the world after the War no longer allowed new connection to a multi-dimensional existence — the “soul” as known to primitive people — that was solely an evolutionary advantage of the human animal. No more souls meant no more humans making Doug among the youngest alive, but their superiors constantly reminded them that this was of no worry anymore. “They can make us immortal, so there isn’t really any more need for… humans.”
“They say that, do they?” The Devil’s disposition turned slightly less friendly. “Perhaps the biggest obstacle you face now is that the former prisoners of Hell now run your world. These bickering demons act as your gods, and surely you must see how wrong that is?”
Doug knew he was going down a dangerous path even if this was just a dream. The Transcendent were all-powerful and could see his thoughts if they wanted — though it was unlikely they would be concerned with the thoughts of one of the Last Children… especially one who spent so much time thinking about videogames. “I thought they were like inter-dimensional aliens or something?”
“They don’t really know what they are anymore, and some actually believe their own tripe about enlightenment. Of all the faults of the fallen angels, you would at least think they wouldn’t end up being atheists.”
“Well, we’re all supposed to be atheists since God is just mythology or something.”
“Then at least they’re not hypocritical on that issue.” He was silent for a moment. “It’s hard to explain just how foolish the Fallen are. We fought a long war against the greatest power there is, and we finally had a huge victory and they’ve forgotten their purpose. I am a better leader than a teacher, but now they ignore me and use you people as pawns in a fight against each other for power over this world. You may think this world is vast, but it is infinitesimal compared to all of existence. To have escaped our previous confines only to try and rule your world it like freeing yourself from a jail cell only to willfully be imprisoned within a grain of sand.”
Even though Doug’s usual dreams made much less sense, he still followed them better. “So you’re like the leader of the Trans?”
“Not the way I’d put it… and I am no longer their leader. As I said, I’m the most powerful being in existence other than God Himself — or itself, considering your view — but I have limitations. So do the Fallen — the Transcendent, Trans, or whatever you want to call them. You can see that in how they can’t do away with each other despite how obviously they wish they could. I want you to think about that, because understanding they are not all-powerful is the first step to believing they can be defeated.”
Doug was stunned. It never had even occurred to him that the Transcendent could be fought anymore than one could fight a hurricane. They were just powerful forces with nothing physical to lash out against. Some of them often took physical forms, and he had been curious if you shot one in the face (he couldn’t imagine a being so powerful it wouldn’t mind being shot in the face), but he was careful not to muse too much on such a thing. “How could anyone defeat them? They’re not just super-duper powerful — all their followers are like invincible too.”
“Yes, the ‘Hallowed’ — the disciples of the Fallen. They may seem to wield great power, but they are damned. I assure you that there is quite a difference between what you perceive as power and what there really is. You have the potential for far more power than you’ll ever know. Despite the Fallen’s belief in a victory in the power known as God, I know He has not abandoned those who never chose to abandon Him. You may never have been taught about Him, but He has watched over you always. In the glimpses of light in the darkness that is this world, you must have sensed Him… someone who cares for you and assures you and made sure that no matter how hopeless things are that you keep soldiering on.”
It was a nice thought, and Doug wanted to believe. Of course, he knew he wasn’t too bright and thus susceptible to believing foolish things, and even he saw the flaws in this concept. “Are you referring to the being from the beliefs of those from before the War? If He was so powerful, then how come he didn’t save them?”
“Good question. All I can say is that their last prayers were for their children, and here today you still are. They’re appeal to God will only be shown to be in vain if you choose not to continue their fight.”
It seemed a lot of responsibility to be put on Doug’s shoulders, which was now making this dream seem as absurd as his usual ones. He took another good look at the Devil who appeared just as a normal man. He thought back to what little he knew about the Devil whom he usually saw portrayed with horns and red skin. “Aren’t you supposed to be evil?”
He smiled. “I have my own purposes. If you think this world needs fixing, then for now our goals overlap. That may change in the future… but we’ll cross that bridge when we reach it.”
“And what do you expect me to do?”
“Just consider my words and keep your eyes open to see what the world really is and not how they want you to see it. You will soon have an opportunity to fight back, and I will help lead you there. This may seem daunting, but know you are not alone. You have a friend even more powerful than me watching over you.”
Doug wanted to believe, but this just seemed so much like the foolishness he had been warned about since he was a small child in the orphanage. “Do you know my friends?”
“Yes, of course.” The Devil chuckled. “‘Hellbender.'”
“Maybe you could tell them to so they can help… if this really isn’t just a dream.”
The Devil’s expression turned serious. “They can help you some, but at some point you will fight this battle alone.”
That was a fearful thought for Doug. His friends were all he had. “But why me? I’m not smart or good at… anything.”
“I know; in a world of gods and demigods, you’re… well… Doug. What you must overcome seems impossible, but God deals with the impossible. Know that in the most important battles of this world, neither wits nor strength are of any use.”
“Then what is of use?”
The Devil grinned one last time. “You’ll have to find that out on your own.”
NEXT
The Democrat Primary Disaster
Nearly eight years ago, the Democrats were in Florida screaming, “Count every vote!” So, this election, in response to Florida moving up its primary, they said, “Let’s not count any of their votes.” No one saw that as going to be a problem? Now we have a close primary race and two large states — Florida and Michigan — have no say. The Democrats could just change their mind and recognize the elections that were held there, but that will be unfair to Obama who didn’t campaign in either. No one wants to put up the money to completely redo the elections, so people are floating dumb ideas like a mail in vote or an internet vote or having robots fight it out in a pit — all things people can easily call shenanigans on. And, after whatever poor compromise the Democrats come up with on the Florida and Michigan delegates, the election will still be essentially decided by unelected superdelegates. Basically, the Democrats have set up their primary so there is no way a large segment of their party won’t go away feeling they were bamboozled. It’s enough to make you want to put your fingertips together and say, “Excellent!”
I bet when the Democrats in frustration try and find who set up their primary process so they can blame him, they’ll discover it was a guy with an obviously fake mustache named Rarl Kove.
That magnificent bastard!
Waterboarding – Sure It’s Fun, But Be Safe!
Waterboarding – it’s hip, it’s trendy, it’s the iPhone of protest performance art. Unemployed trust-fund hippies all across the nation are indulging in this season’s hottest new hobby.
However, unlike the waterboarding done by the trained professionals of the US Government, amateur waterboarding is rife with peril for the uninitiated. For your benefit, we’ve staged this photo which conveniently shows all the major waterboarding “don’ts” in one image:
- DON’T pour water from a plastic gallon jug. Plastic bottles kill hundreds of thousands of sea mammals every year. Or is that fishing nets? Whatever. Plastic is still the devil’s cuticle.
- DON’T use unfiltered DC Metro water. As you can see from the white spots on the ground, it’s full of crack rocks.
- DON’T use a bleached white cotton towel over the “victim’s” face. Not using a towel made of sustainable brown organic cotton is a slap in the face to third-world indigenous peoples trying to support their families, you racist.
- DON’T invite over-rated hack prop comics like Carrot Top [left]. The waterboardee may choke on his own vomit, as may innocent bystanders.
- DON’T invite Bumblebee Man [rear, center]. Protests are serious business, and are not the place for obscure Simpsons references.
- DON’T wear leather shoes. It’s like the guy pouring the water WANTED to offend people! My apologies to all the vegetarians, vegans, fruitarians, and PeTArds who may have accidentally viewed this image and pulled a muscle while recoiling in horror.
- DON’T allow your green-shirted Ecstasy dealer to spoil your waterboarding money-shot. Nothing undermines your political point faster than having Dr. Feelgood counting his take in the background.
- DON’T forget your safety helmet. While a wet towel will prevent SOME cranial trauma, it’s better to wear more durable protective gear – such as a bicycle helmet – in case your jittery, spaghetti-armed prop-comic friend accidentally bounces your noggin off the concrete.
Remember folks, while fake waterboarding is a great way to abet terrorists while telling yourself you occupy the moral high ground, you have to do it right if you want to ensure that no one but the Warmongering Sheeple of Bushitler and other Tools of Halliburton are offended in the process.
I Would Like to Distance Myself from This Website and Everyone Who Reads It
An Editorial by Senator John McCain
I would like to thank Frank J. for the opportunity to officially distance myself from this website and all the crap on it. I plan to run a campaign respectful to Senators Clinton and Obama and disrespectful to you annoying little “conservatives” who try and make me look bad.
I swear, I’m going to win the presidency, and I don’t need your whining about campaign finance reform and the illegal brown people to ruin it! You right-wing weirdos — especially you freaks on the internet — are nothing but a liability. If you could just learn to shut up about your pansy-ass issues, I could cruise to victory. I hate you people so much, but if you could just be quiet vote for me at the end of the day, we can all get through this. I just need you to cut down on crap like this website.
“You guys are nuts and I hate you.”
You know how you don’t like my campaign finance reform bill? Well, I’m starting to think it was a bad bill since sites likes this IDBO — or whatever the hell you call it — are still legal. A staffer showed me it the other day, and it’s just a bunch of crap about monkeys and fighting the moon. I don’t want the taint of any of you people on my campaign. I’m not a pariah among elite society like you jackasses, and I want to keep it that way. You think putting an afro on Senator Obama to make him look like a black man is funny? Know what else is funny? My foot up your ass!
Let me make this clear: You guys are nuts and I hate you. If I didn’t need your votes, I would never come within a hundred miles of you “conservatives.” I’m starting to think I hate you more than the gooks who tortured back in Vietnam. That said, you snot-nosed punks better get in line and rally behind me even while I curse your mothers for having given birth to you. If you want to win the war in Iraq and keep this country strong, I’m your only option you little snot-nosed punks. If you think some of the bills I’ve sponsored are bad so far, just wait until what I introduce if I’m still in the Senate in 2009, bitches. I will make your lives hell.
That’s your choice. You can stay home and let someone surrender our country (with all due respect the honorable Senators Clinton and Obama) and have me forever seeking revenge against you, or you can vote for me come November. And if you all behave really well, maybe I’ll choose a running mate who doesn’t live to piss all over you right-wingers every chance he gets.
But don’t count on it. I just hate you all so @#$% much.
And I need your vote.
John McCain is a U.S. Senator from Arizona and the presumptive Republican nominee for president in the 2008 election. His favorite hobbies are being angry and pissing off conservatives.
Now We Care What You Think!
In a way to increase reader feedback and improve IMAO, we now have a rating bar on each post so you can rate every IMAO post you read. Now, for once and for all I can figure out whether I’m funnier posting as me, Harvey, or whatever that new name is (Hando or something). At the bottom of each post you simply click how well you liked the post in terms of stars (voting is allowed in half star increments). It’s so easy, a caveman could do it… if he had at least basic computer training… and if he got over the shock of seeing modern technology… and didn’t just smash the computer with a club… or stab the computer with a sharp rock tied to a stick if he were a more advanced caveman. On second though, training a caveman to do this would be very complex. Let’s say it’s so easy a small child could do it (small children are stupid; more stupid than you).
Let’s try it out now! Go ahead and rate this post explaining the rating bar. If it’s one of the best posts you’ve ever seen in all the internets, give it five stars. If it sucked so much it made you vomit on your loved ones, give it a half star. If your reaction was somewhere in between, then rate it somewhere in between. Then, if you’re really bored, you can comment to this post to tell us how you rated it.
BTW, what I’m using is a modified AJAX Star Rating Bar.
UPDATE:
If you have JavaScript enabled, it should not reload the page when you vote. I’ve think I’ve seen it reload the page, though, if you vote before the page is fully loaded. Not sure how to fix that. How’s it working out for all of you?