A Story , Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 2 – No Choice

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“So I had a weird dream last night–”
“I’m going to stop you right there, Doug.” Bryce was busying flying the vehicle and making sure they took a path near the least explosions. “That doesn’t sound like the beginning of a statement either of us are going to care about.”
“But it wasn’t like a dream. It was just the Devil talking to me and he said–”
“The Devil?” Lulu asked. “Like with horns and a pitchfork?”
“No, he looked like a regular person.”
“So how did you know he was the Devil?” Bryce said.
“Did you ask for ID?” Lulu added.
Bryce scoffed. “Doug wouldn’t know what proper ID would look like.”
“Yeah,” Lulu admitted, “and I bet IDs are very easy to forge in dreams.”
“Lucky for us, they’re also easy to forge in real life.”
“You guys are making fun of me, aren’t you?” Doug said. “You know, I was perfectly happy not committing treason today.”
“Calm down. We’re just about there.” Bryce slowed the vehicle and began a descent. “It going to mainly be on you, Tri-Lu, since you have the real ID.”
She held up Chen’s badge with photo. “I really don’t think I look too much like her; I’m much cuter. Hopefully they’ll just be looking at my chest.”
“I never look at anything else.”
A bit panicked, Doug raised and waived his hand. “What am I supposed to do again?”
“Follow us. Not talk.” The vehicle came to a rest, and Protectors — presumably real ones with guns — converged on it.
Lulu got out and flashed her ID. “As you can see by my close resemblance to this photo, I’m Major Chen. We have business here and we need to be quick about it.”
“The base is being evacuated soon,” one of the Protectors warned.
“We know,” Bryce said. He got out of the vehicle as well, and Doug decide to follow and stay behind him. “That’s why we need to a quick inventory of the armory.”
“And who are you?”
“I’m with the government.” Bryce flashed some ID quickly. “As you can tell from the gunfire, we don’t have a lot of time for stupid questions. We’re heading to the armory; you can follow if you want.”
“But…” one of the Protectors started to say, but Bryce and Lulu were already walking away with Doug quickly following. The Protectors stood back watching for a moment, but soon went back to more pressing matters as gunshot and explosions grew near.
“So far so good,” Bryce remarked.
Lulu giggled. “I like ordering people around. I’m going to do that more to the next people we encounter. How do I tell if I outrank them?”
“We can ask Charlene when we find her.” They were outside in the main part of the base, and most people were running around quite purposely. Bryce kept scanning the people around them. “I forget where the armory is anyway, so we probably need her. Think she has her phone on her?”
Doug spotted a petite young woman walking nearby in fatigues and carrying a tray of coffee. He was about to shout out, but then he remembered his no talking directives. Instead, he tapped Bryce on the shoulder and pointed towards her.
“Good work, my mute manservant.” They headed towards her, Lulu reaching her first.
“Give me my half-caf, puke!” Lulu shouted.
Charlene turned around to do a quick salute, but her face changed to shock when she saw Bryce and Lulu. “What the hell are you doing here? Where did you get that uniform, Lulu?” Doug stumbled a bit as he caught up to them. “Is that Doug?”
Bryce laughed. “They have you doing coffee runs while the city is about to be burned to the ground? I guess sucking up to the Hollow ones really got you the respect you wanted.”
Lulu looked over Charlene’s uniform. “They make you wear that baggy thing? And do you even have a gun?”
“They’ve trained me with one and I will be issuing me one today so I can be a part of this defense.”
“They are already evacuating, you nitwit,” Bryce said. “Asmod’s forces are going to arm some of the Last who are dumb enough to stay fighting to give them more time to escape.”
“Won’t it be fun being one of them?” Lulu exclaimed. “Yay dying for people who hate and despise you!”
Charlene’s expression was a mix of anger and hesitancy. “You don’t know that.”
“Come on, Charlene, you’ve been training to be the tiniest soldier for how long now?” Bryce asked. “And what do they have you doing?” He knocked the coffee from her hands. “Stop working so hard to be a pawn, okay? This place is going down, and it’s best we find our own way out.”
“So I’m better off with you losers? Is that my choice?”
“You don’t have a choice; that’s the point.” Bryce said. “We don’t like each other–”
“I like all of you,” Doug interrupted.
“…and we all especially hate Doug,” Bryce continued, “but there’s no use pretending we have anyone else to turn to. We’re earth’s Last Children; the world hates us.”
“They say we can all be no more than liars and thieves, so we respond by being liars and thieves?” Charlene asked.
Bryce smiled. “Yeah, it’s a vicious cycle; what are you going to do?”
“Anyway, we just brutally murdered Major Chen and left your DNA all over the crime scene,” Lulu told Charlene. “So you don’t have any choice but to go with us.”
Bryce gave Lulu a look.
“I’m just trying to speed things up. This uniform is itchy.”
“You really a part of this, Doug?” Charlene inquired.
He shrugged. “I just found out about this like an hour ago and I’m still not quite sure what’s happening. I really think you should come with us, though, because it is looking pretty bad. I don’t want to die here if that’s what’s happening. I especially don’t want to get tortured by Loch… I don’t want that happening to you either.”
Charlene looked in pain pushing down so much anger. “If things go wrong, I’ll kill you before they can. So what are we doing?”
“Just take us to the armory and act like everything is fine,” Bryce said. There was an explosion nearby. “Well… not fine, but no worse or no better than everyone else thinks it is.”
Charlene motioned them to follow. “Go team Hellbender!” Lulu yelled, getting an audible sigh from Charlene.
“Stop right there!”
They spun around to see five Protectors running towards them. One of them pointed at Lulu. “You’re not Major Chen.”
“But I have an ID an everything,” she whined.
“Which Chen just reported was stolen.”
Bryce rolled his eyes. “There goes that plan.” The Protectors were quick with their guns, but Bryce was quicker, pulling out his revolver and putting it to Lulu’s head. “Hands up!”
NEXT

Dude!

An entire episode of Arrested Development (white people love Arrested Development) embedded on my blog:

They have all the episodes there!
Know what; don’t even bother with IMAO today. Just go to Hulu and watch tv shows and movies for free and embed them on your blog. Like if you haven’t seen them yet, go watch all the episodes of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. This is so awesome it seems like it should violate all sorts of copyright laws!
But it doesn’t! (I think…)
UPDATE:
They have all the episodes of Firefly!

I love this episode.
If it’s a great show FOX canceled, apparently they have all the episodes for free.
UPDATE 2:
I realize now that my brother had told me about this site awhile ago back when they were beta testing it. I guess I didn’t understand the significance of it at the time as I must have been like, “Stupid Marine; what does he know?” Apparently, sometimes Marines know stuff.

In My World: Newsworthy

“General Petraeus, I have a question for you,” President Bush said.
“Sure. What is it, Mr. President?”
“What do you think about a war with Iran?”
“That would be extremely idiotic at this juncture, sir.”

“That’s right! It’s shocking! Shocking and newsworthy! Any questions? I’m sure you must have many.”

Bush nodded. “Yeah… but would it be newsworthy?”
“Yes, I could see that being a hot topic.”
“Like, do you think it would lead the news cycle?”
Petraeus pondered that. “Yes… unless Britney Spears had a tragic death.”
“Well, what’s the chance of that?”
Petraeus shrugged. “Hard to say.”
Bush thought for a moment. “Well, I guess that’s just one of the risks when going to war. You see, I’m tired of all the news being about the next president. I’m still president. The news should be about me. And I’m tired of hearing about that Obama.” Bush leaned close to Petraeus ear and whispered, “I hear his middle name is ‘Hussein,’ just like that bad man.”
“Why are you whispering?”
“If McCain hears me mention that, he gets angry. And, he could be president one day and abuse his power against me!” Bush leaned close to Petraeus again and whispered, “I also saw Obama in Muslim clothes.”
“Where did you see that?”
“At a mosque.”
“Why were you at a mosque?”
“To pray towards Mecca.”
“Are you sure that actually happened?”
“I didn’t get to be president by being sure of things!” Bush went and sat back at his desk so he could pound it for emphasis. “Now what was I talking about?”
“I hesitate to remind you, but you were talking about war with Iran.”
“Yeah, let’s do that.”


“I decided to make this announcement in person,” Bush told the press.
“We like Dana Perino better,” a reporter said. “She’s pretty.”
“Well you’re stuck with me today!” Bush shouted. “If any of you were hoping for a date with Dana, it ain’t gonna happen because she hates all of you!”
“Plus, she’s married,” a reporter said.
“How do you know that? Are you stalking her? You’re creepy! Now, as I was saying, I have an important announcement… which I forgot but I wrote it down somewhere.” Bush pulled out some index cards. “Red, Yellow, Blue, Red, Red, Blue, Blue, Red, Yellow, Blue… wait, I think that’s a cheat code for X-Box game I wrote down…” He pulled out another card. “Here it is: I’m going to war with Iran!”
There was an audible gasp among the press.
Bush smiled. “That’s right! It’s shocking! Shocking and newsworthy! Any questions? I’m sure you must have many.”
Helen Thomas stepped forward. “Why do you want to kill Iranian children? What do you have against Iranian children?”
Bush rolled his eyes. “I thought she was dead! I’m only talking to you guys myself because I thought I heard she was dead! Next question.”
“Why?”
“Because…” He paused for a moment. “Oil, I guess. Does that make sense?”
“I thought the problem with Iran is them pursuing nuclear weapons?” a reporter said.
“Maybe that then,” Bush responded. “The point is, I have a good reason. Next question.”
“What troops will you use for this operation? Aren’t they already over-extended in Afghanistan and Iraq?”
Bush thought for a moment. “Well, what are you doing?”
“Um… reporting.”
“That’s not important.” Bush turned to his Secret Service. “Seize him! He’s drafted and going to Iran!” The Secret Service dragged away the screaming reporter while Bush looked back to the press. “See, I can do stuff like that because I’m still the president and powerful! Next question!”
“Will you be using local support to overthrow the current regime?”
Bush shook his head. “Nah… don’t plan on that.”
“But aren’t there many Iranians opposed to the current regime who want democratic reforms?”
“Maybe… but sucks to be them, I guess. I’m not falling into the trap of trying to set up a new government again; this time we’ll just obliterate the enemy country. In fact, I’ve been talking to NASA for a plan to nuke it from orbit like they should have done in Aliens.”
The press stared at him in shock and confusion.
“You know… ‘Game over, man! Game over!'” The press continued to stare at him. “You don’t know that movie? I swear that sometimes you guys are so stupid that it’s unbelievable.”
“You’re going to do a nuclear strike against Iran from space?” a dumbfounded reporter asked.
“Exactly! I bet you guys such stupid and shoddy reporters, though, you’ll say I was referencing the first movie, Alien.” Bush thought for a moment. “Then again, it is pretty confusing that the sequel is just the plural of the first movie. You kinda always want to say, ‘The second Alien movie,’ just to be clear.” He looked up at the reporters. “Now what was I talking about again?”
“Hey it’s Obama together with Spitzer!” a reporter shouted. “And Spitzer brought his hookers with him!”
The reporters all ran to the new spectacle. “No! Stay here!” Bush yelled at them. “I’m important! Come on! Obama probably just mistook Spitzer for a foreign leader because he’s inexperienced just like Hillary is kindly warning us!” Bush stood there a moment, alone. “Guess I might as well see what my dad is up to.”

Middle School Student Suspended for Having Gun in Name

LANCASTER, PA (AP) – The family of Pennsylvania middle school student John Gunderson has filed a federal lawsuit against the school district after John was suspended for having a last name that starts with “gun”, in violation of Penn Manor High School’s “zero-tolerance” policy.

One of many posters at Penn Manor promoting a safe learning environment.

“This is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of,” said John’s father Michael Gunderson, “but in a strange way, I guess we should have seen it coming. Last December, they suspended a kid for having a picture of a gun on his T-shirt. Not a ‘I’m going to Columbine your ass’ kinda T-shirt, mind you, but a ‘I’m going to kill terrorists’ kinda T-shirt. What kind of decent American WOULDN’T like that T-shirt after 9-11?”
“Still,” continued Michael, “I didn’t think they’d get any loonier than that. When John told me about a kid in his English class who got suspended for writing a report on famous animal trainer Gunther Gebel-Williams, I still didn’t make the connection. I just figured his teacher was some sort of animal rights whack-job who thought that anything you do to an animal besides letting it eat you automatically qualifies as cruelty.”
“Guess I was wrong,” he concluded sadly.
An attorney for the school district said the school must create a safe environment for students in the post-Columbine era, and bringing even the letters g-u-n to school violates the district’s policy.
“There’s a much higher level of sensitivity these days,” Penn Manor attorney Kevin French said. “But it’s based on reality. After we banned actual G-words, and then images of G-words, the next logical step is to completely ban the G-word itself. John G-wordderson’s name is obviously in violation of that policy. The only way to protect our community’s children is to provide them with a 100% safe learning environment, and we’ve really only just beG-word to do that.”

“If Only There Was an Organization Sworn to Defend That Free Speech”

I think IMAO has a new hero on The Daily Show:

(hat tip Hot Air)

Interesting…

I didn’t think Democrats quit over scandals involving sex. A while ago, Ted Kennedy put the bar pretty low for what’s allowable behavior for a Democrat politician, but I guess popularity plays a part of it. If Spitzer had a friend left, he could probably stay in as governor and make a speech for the tolerance of john-Americans. Then again, there is the hypocrisy. Usually a Democrat wouldn’t have any hypocrisy with a sex scandal since they have no standards in that area, but Spitz had prosecuted prostitution rings before so he hits the hypocrisy anyway.
So do you think the lesson Democrats will learn from this is to have higher standards of themselves in personal behavior or be even more careful not to be linked to any moral standards so you can’t be called on them?

Desperately Seeking a Sub-1-Star Post Rating

Such miserable, tortured creatures IMAO readers are. Sweaty, twitching, and racked with guilt, they wrestle with the sickening knowledge that turning on their computers to grovel at the feet of their precious blog-God inevitably increases the size of their carbon footprints, and they weep for having thoughtlessly stuck their callous knives into the breast of Mother Earth.
Forgive them, sweetest Gaia, for they know not what they do.

Gaia.jpg