A Story , Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 4 – Girl Power

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Lulu grabbed Bryce’s gun and put it to his head. “Grab his gun,” she ordered Charlene.
Doug happily handed over his gun to Charlene who put it to Doug’s head.
“Who are you?” one of the armed women asked.
“We don’t have time for this!” Lulu ushered Bryce inside while Charlene and Doug followed. “Somehow Asmod’s people almost found out about us. Now we have two of their officials. I’m sure they’ll be of use.”
“You think they knows what it looks like?” another woman inquired.
“Yes, I’m sure they knows what… it… looks like,” Lulu said. “That’s why they’re of use to us.”
It was a large room with high ceilings with an open hangar door through which vehicles landed. There were trucks on the ground being loaded by six more armed women, some dressed in the military uniforms of Asmod and others in more casual attire. There were also numerous dead bodies on the ground and not a small amount of blood. “Who are they?” asked a woman who appeared to be in charge and was wearing an officer’s uniform with a bit blood splattered on it.
“They’re the other inside group we had,” explained one of the women escorting Doug’s group. “I guess they got found out, but we have two government officials here who should help us find the device.”
The leader looked suspiciously at Lulu and Charlene and then turned to Bryce. “So where is it?”
He pointed to a group of identical crates. “It was one of those. I could tell you which one exactly if you hadn’t moved them around.”
She punched Bryce, sending him staggering back a bit. “We need to just grab what we can and get out of here,” the leader told everyone. “Serpine’s forces will be here soon, and they’ll be look for the device as well.”
Lulu turned to Charlene and whispered. “I thought they were with Serpine. Any idea who they are?”
“I’m pretty sure they’re Elza’s psychos.”
Lulu looked surprised. “The Amazons? Like the man-hating killers?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought they were just made up to make fun of feminists.”
“They’re real and they are very violent,” Charlene said. “The only thing is I heard that, as much as they like fighting, they’re not actually that good at it.”
Lulu frowned. “That’s kinda sad. They look like they try so hard.”
“Let’s just get some plan quick to get out of here before we run into someone who isn’t a moron and knows to kill us.”
“What are you two chattering about?” the leader demanded.
Lulu shrugged. “The usual… how much we hate the patriarchy.”
The leader noticeably gripped her rifle tighter. “And what were your names?”
“I’m Charmin and she’s Roscoe, but you can call me Pippy.”
“I know him!” a short blond haired woman shouted as she pointed at Bryce. Doug braced himself, because he knew this wasn’t going to be good.
“So what? I’m a popular guy.”
The woman looked quite angry, and Doug took a few steps away from Bryce as she came near. “He’s not a government official. He’s one of the Last!”
Bryce scoffed. “I’m not some zealot’s son.”
“You used me! All the time you were dating me, you were sleeping with my best friend!”
Bryce looked confused. “I’m missing your point.”
“You said you loved me!”
Bryce rolled his eyes. “Well I thought it was pretty obvious from context I only said that to sleep with you.”
She placed the barrel of her gun against Bryce’s temple, but Lulu stepped in. “Calm down. Okay, obviously these two are useless, so we should just kill them… but not this way. Can I have one of your grenades?” Before the woman could answer, Lulu took a grenade off her belt. “Watch this.” She pulled the pin and then exclaimed “Weee!” as she threw it straight up in the air. “RUN!”
NEXT

Obama on Hannity & Colmes?

The Wright issue finally made the front page of the Daily Kos (as a Recommended Diary) — they seemed to be ignoring it as long as they could despite many individual diaries about it — as Obama has written about his pastor on HuffPo. Also mentioned in the Kos diary is that Obama is going to go on Hannity & Colmes (as well as the other major news networks) to talk about Wright.
Damage control! Whether Obama can come back from this will show us how shrewd a politician he is. He chose to go to see an anti-American, racist nut for twenty years (and bring his children to listen to him), so it’s going to be hard to belittle that as something we can’t judge his character on (in his statement, he at least acknowledge these are legitimate questions). Obama claims he never heard any of these controversial statements while attending Trinity or talking to Wright in private, but that’s hard to believe.
BTW, I hope this is unnecessary to say, but Wright’s idiocy is not the norm for black churches. I went to a black church for a couple years in Florida (in that I and my wife were often the only people there who were not black), and what was preached there everyday was about Christ, morality, responsibility, humanity… you know, Christian stuff.

Question

If all the nutty statements from Obama’s pastor being played on FOX News is from DVDs of the best of Jeremiah Wright, what does the worst of Jeremiah Wright sound like?

An Idea

If Obama wants to ease the minds of Christians, he should start spreading rumors that Jeremiah Wright is secretly a Muslim.

And God Said to Moses: I Hate Those Honkey-Ass Crackers
A Sermon by Jeremiah Wright

EDITOR’S NOTE: This sermon has been edited for language. This is a political blog, not some church Democrats go to.
 When Moses finally escaped the Egyptians, he turned to God and asked, “There could surely be no one as bad at those people?” God said to Moses, “Yes there are. Beware the honkeys. Beware the crackers. Especially beware the Jews. I hate all those people. Frankly, if you blow up their buildings, that’s okay with me.”

“That’s right: NASA is going to send the black man to Venus where it is inhospitable to life and we will all die.”

 That wisdom speaks even more to us today as we are beset by honkeys. America is a country founded by crackers and run by Jews that exists for no other reason than to kill black people. They invented AIDS to kill us. They made crack to drug us. They use hidden ninjas to stage black on black violence. Hillary does not understand this. In fact, she’s busy in her hollowed out volcano working on AIDS version two. That’s why they are scared of a black man being president, because he will cut the millions of dollars that go to black genocide and instead invest that money where God says it should be: In killing honkey!

 Yes, they will stop at nothing to keep the black man out of power and from his rightful job of cracker-cide. That’s why they spread the rumors about Obama. They say he’s inexperienced and he’ll be a disaster. That’s not an argument against him, because America deserves a disaster! So they try to say he’s secretly a Muslim. Again, that’s not an argument against him, because maybe he should be a Muslim. They’re doing God’s work: Blowing up the honkeys and the Jews. So only reason that all those crackers oppose Obama is that they know he’s going to succeed at what he promises: Killing the honkeys!

 Now some tell me that we shouldn’t be for killing the honkeys. We should just turn the other cheek. Who says this? That cracker Jesus! Well, answer me this: Has Jesus ever been called a [n-word]? Did anyone invent AIDS to kill Jesus? Well, maybe Jesus should not be lecturing the black man on what he should and should not be doing. As we speak, the government is working on plans to send all black people to Venus! That’s right: NASA is going to send us to Venus where it is inhospitable to life and we will all die. So what does Jesus have to say about that? Nothing! God bless Jesus? No. God [expletive] Jesus! To hell with him! Throw his cracker ass out of here!

 Remember the story of Samson. When the Jews tricked him out of his strength, they chained him up so all the crackers could come and laugh at him. So, he turned to God with one last prayer and screamed, “I hate the honkeys!” which granted him a final burst of strength to kill them all. Though the crackers may now be keeping us down, we can have one final prayer to kill them all. That prayer is Obama… though his campaign would like me to remind you that I in know way speak for him. Amen.
Jeremiah Wright was until recently the Pastor of Trinity United Church of Christ, and has been the spiritual adviser of the Obamas for twenty years (though he would like to distance himself from some of the anti-American statements of Michelle Obama). Now retired, he hopes to finally read that Bible he’s been hearing so much about. He hates the honkeys.