A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 10 – Respect

PREVIOUS
Doug gripped the handle of his sword with his left hand. “So, do I look intimidating enough?”
“You have nacho cheese on your face,” Charlene said.
“How much?”
Ahead of them was a warehouse by some docks where they could see a number of people and vehicles out front. “So are we just walking up there?” Charlene asked.
Lulu checked her pigtails. “Sorry, but I couldn’t get us a horse drawn chariot.”
Charlene’s hand moved over where one of her guns was hidden under her jacket. “We do not look like violent criminals, and they’re going to see right through us.”
“Being intimidating is all about attitude,” Lulu said. “Your bitchy attitude actually works for this situation.”
“This is a quick business transaction; let’s not over think it.” Bryce had the same confidence he always had before things blew up in their faces. “All this worrying is going to lead to stress ulcers. Let’s just do this.”
“Go Team Hellbender!” Lulu shouted as she marched forward. “Fear is for cowards!”
As they approached the warehouse, they came near a number of large, obviously armed men, each of whom looked like they could easily kill the four of them. Lulu walked right up to one who was a head higher and had more than hundred pounds on her. “We’re here to see Colette, and we don’t abide dilly-dallying.”
The thug looked somewhere between annoyed and amused. “I don’t know who the hell you are talking about.”
“Don’t play dumb with me, stupid. Tell her Hellbender is here and we have business to discuss.”
“What if instead I just gut you like a fish.”
Lulu stood on her tiptoes in a vain attempt to meet him eye to eye. “If you do that, then my friends will avenge my death…” She pointed to the three behind her, and Doug waved hi. “…then neither of us will be very happy.”
“What the hell is this, Rick?” Two attractive young women walked up to the group.
“These guys claim to be here to see Colette,” Rick answered. “Do you even think it’s worth bothering her to see if that’s true, Grace?”
Bryce walked up next to Lulu, and Charlene motioned to Doug to stay close behind. It looked to him that Charlene was ready for a battle, which was a bit disconcerting. Bryce looked unconcerned, but Bryce had a skill of looking unconcerned no matter what was going on. “Colette will be upset if you turn us away,” Bryce told Rick and then smiled to the two women. “I’ll be especially upset.”
Grace smiled slightly and turned to the women next to her. “Why don’t you see if Colette is expecting anyone.” The woman walked off, and Grace turned back to Bryce and his group. “So who are you all supposed to be?”
“We’re Hellbender,” Lulu said. “Who are you supposed to be?”
She smiled smugly. “I’m under the employ of Dammon.” She looked to Charlene and laughed a bit. “I hope you’re not looking to get hired, as he expects a certain level of quality in his women.”
Charlene faced tensed over so slightly into a greater frown. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means the women here have appearance standards, little boy.”
Doug was afraid Charlene was going to get even madder, but she actually seemed to calm slightly. “Well, beauty isn’t just physical appearance; it’s also personality.”
Grace laughed. “Then you better have one hell of personality, little–”
Charlene’s fist hammered Grace in the nose. Grace fell back clutching the injury, blood dripping down her face. Charlene brushed off her fist. “See; if you had nicer personality, you’d be a lot prettier right now.”
It looked like Rick was about to go for gun, so Doug quickly drew his sword and putting it to the large man’s neck. A number of others around drew guns and pointed them at Doug, though.
“I like her; she’s a pip.” Out of the warehouse walked a beautiful redheaded woman in a black evening gown. She looked almost too perfect, and there was something creepy to the slight smile she had. “Guns down, people.”
The thugs all lowered their guns. Doug slowly returned his sword to its sheath. Grace, still clutching her bloody nose, looked outrage. “Look what she did! We should–”
“Go clean yourself up,” Colette commanded.
“But–”
“Now!”
Grace took one last angry glance at Charlene and then ran off.
Colette walked up to Charlene. “She did have a point, though. Most of the women I hire out as bodyguards are basically eye-candy, so Grace is now pretty much useless to me until she heals up.”
“You’re not much of feminists, are you?” Lulu commented.
Colette laughed. “Not really a woman anymore. I’ve transcended my more animal existence, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t be honest about things.” She looked back at Charlene. “Anyway, the point is you just cost me by disabling one of my employees. Not a good way to start with me.”
“She brought that on herself,” Charlene said. “I don’t know what she expected to happen by disrespecting me like that.”
“Fine. Fair enough. Come on; I hear we have business to discuss.” Colette turned to walk back into the warehouse.
Bryce quickly ran up to her. “That we do. I must comment though, you say you’re not a woman, but the form you take is–”
“Please don’t bother; I don’t nor ever will have the slightest interest in you.”
Inside the warehouse were more armed men and women and tons of crates stacked to the ceiling. If it was all contraband, it was quite a lot of it.
“Anyway, in the confusion of the destruction of Shride,” Bryce said, doing his best to ignore the previous slight, “we obtained some military equipment that might be of interest to your organization.”
“Was it in a vehicle like this one?” They turned to see that in one of the rows of crates sat the truck they had fled Shride in. Next to it stood Lara, smiling quite smugly.
“I know exactly who you are and what you did…” Colette patted Bryce on the back, apparently with enough force to knock him off balance. “…Armin.”
Bryce’s face went white.
Charlene once again tensed in preparation for battle. “Crap.”
NEXT

Is Ron Paul Still Alive?

I knew the whole Ron Paul thing would eventually fizzle out, but it seems like its been over a month since we’ve heard even a peep from a Ronulan. Have any of you had any sightings other than the occasional, fading road-side sign?

Democrats Fight to Lose

At what point do Republicans have to step in and stop the Democrat slap fight? You have people whose politics dictate they be meek little wusses when it comes to confrontation, and now they’re pitted against each other in a fight for their political lives? It’s like putting two kittens in a pit and trying to goad them into killing each other. Barack Obama, same as anyone with liberal beliefs like that, can’t have testes larger than sesame seeds. Hillary at least has a mean streak, but still the Democrats’ politics of surrender just don’t relate well to going for the throat.

“I’ll best ensure us defeat in Iraq!”
“I’ll get us extra defeat!”
(slap slap slap)

Neither of them is going to be able to deliver a death blow, and this is going to continue to go on until its gone from amusing to sad. To think that one of these people could be representing us on the world stage. There are people out there plotting to kill us; what are they going to think?

TERRORIST 1: Oh no! The Americans have a new president, and he is armed with both hope and change!
TERRORIST 2: Surely after he is done creating billions in new spending, he will be after us!
TERRORIST 3: We are doomed!
TERRORIST 1: Nothing will save us from his clean articulateness!
TERRORIST 2: I love muffins!
TERRORIST 3: What? Why are talking about muffins at a time like this?
TERRORIST 2: I just really like muffins and wanted to say so before it was too late. I especially like blueberry.
TERRORIST 1: Infidel!
TERRORIST 2: What? Where in the Koran does it say I can’t like muffins?
TERRORIST 1: …
TERRORIST 1: I…
TERRORIST 1: I can’t read! (sobs)
TERRORIST 3: It’s brave of you to admit that, Habib.
TERRORIST 1: (sobs)
TERRORIST 2: Illiteracy is the true terrorist.

Okay… um… I forget what I was talking about again.

I’m Disappointed That She Didn’t Do Better

“Oh crap! Wasn’t ready for THAT one!”

While Chelsea Clinton was pimpin’ fo’ her mama at Butler University recently, college student Evan Strange asked her whether Hillary Clinton’s credibility was damaged by how the then-first lady handled the scandal over Bill Clinton’s relationship with intern Monica Lewinsky.
Chelsea – who, with over 70 politically-motivated college campus appearances under her belt, is FINALLY fair game for abuse, and oh BROTHER do I have some catching up to do with the free-pass-from-the-press-having socialist swine – “answered” the question by brusquely sneering “I do not think that’s any of your business.”
I have to say I’m disappointed. A low-hanging curve like that gets floated over her plate and she can’t even dribble out an infield grounder. Let’s see if I can’t get an answer a little closer to the right field wall:
“Was Hillary’s credibility damaged by how she handled the Monica Lewinsky scandal?”


  • Not as badly as by “dodging Bosnian sniper fire”.
  • [Stunned pause]… Ironically, that question just made me stain my dress.
  • [Laughing] Silly boy! You can’t damage rock bottom!
  • I don’t know what you’re talking about. Bill had a WaveRunner with vanity plates, not a monogrammed Jet Ski.
  • No, because that’s considered part of her 35 years of experience with political affairs.
  • Wow… Actually, I’m surprised that there’s something on the topic of giving oral sex to men that you don’t already know.
  • Look, stumping for my mom is my job now. I don’t come to McDonald’s and ask you embarrassing questions about whether you’re still in the habit of enticing your dog into licking peanut butter off your junk, now do I?
  • Recent polling suggests it actually gained her credibility among the all-important “women too gutless to leave that cheating bastard” demographic.
  • That’s not important. What matters is that – unlike with Barack Obama’s health care plan – under my mother’s proposal, even sperm-burping little gutter sluts like Monica would be completely covered.
  • I believe that my mother’s difficult and very personal decision to honor her marriage vows in the face of both infidelity and public ridicule says a lot about her ability to keep promises under challenging circumstances, and if you’re the kind of person who considers that sort of strength and integrity to be “damaging“, then I guess the answer would be “yes”, although I think most people would disagree with your assessment.

Honestly, you’d think she’d have had something like that last one ready to go since 1998, wouldn’t you?