PREVIOUS
Bryce quickly recovered, his shocked expression quickly becoming one of simple confusion. “Excuse me?”
“Armin Corbert.” Colette was quite visibly enjoying Bryce’s discomfort. “That was the name assigned to you as a nameless war orphan, wasn’t it?”
Bryce laughed nervously. “That’s my slave name; I go by Bryce Worthington.”
“I don’t care what you call yourself.” Lara walked over and handed a handheld computer to Colette who took a look at. Now a couple dozen of Colette’s thug were standing around to watch the spectacle. “We’re very much an international organization, so I was able to access the files on you four from Asmod’s government. You were raised at the same orphanage, and the fact that you’re all still together is both touching and pathetic.” She paused a moment to read some more. “I see you change jobs quite a lot, Armin. I’m guessing that was some sort of scam where you avoided doing actual work. Now, Doug Na’s work history seems more consistent with the typical worthless Child.”
“That’s not actually my last name; it’s more of a typo,” Doug said. “They somehow messed up and didn’t give me a last name as a kid, and then once I had to fill in a form and they told me to put “N/A” for my last name, but I though they were telling me how to spell my new last name–”
“Thanks. I’ll wait for the official autobiography. I think I understand quite well now why you were given an IQ test three different times to look for mental retardation.”
“They were all negative!” Doug asserted. “It says that there, right?”
“Next we have the ridiculously named Lulu Lui,” Colette continued. “Whose only value is plain for anyone to see.”
“I kinda like my name,” Lulu said. “Lui is more of a Chinese name, though, and I’m pretty sure I have Japanese ancestry.”
“Finally, there is Charlene Marshall.” Colette took a look at her and laughed. “The little warrior, and perhaps the most pathetic of you four in that her record shows that she actually tried to be a member of useful society. How did that work out, girl?”
Charlene looked enraged. “We get it. We’re the Last Children; completely worthless and not worth the time of someone as exalted as yourself. Still, we brought you useful weaponry, so why don’t you just give us what it’s worth and we’ll be on our way, never to offend your sight again.”
In the blink of an eye, Colette was on Charlene and holding her up by her neck. “Hey!” Doug shouted as he tried to draw his sword on her, but Colette swung out her arm. It felt to Doug like he was struck by a bat, and fell hard against the floor.
Colette threw Charlene into some crates. “Don’t tell me what I should do.”
Lulu helped Charlene back to her feet while Doug got himself standing again. Bryce still looked like nothing had happened. “Obviously, we’ve offended you, and for that I apologize, but–”
“But I don’t think you quite understand,” Colette interrupted. “Taroth allows Dammon to keep a base in this city so long as we keep things quiet. For that, I can’t just have any Child wandering in here thinking he can play big shot gangster. You four haven’t even followed the most basic channels for this line of work.”
“Oh, we have our registration form.” Lulu pulled out a piece of paper.
“I prefer if you submit electronically.” She looked back to Bryce. “So the question is how this Child found out enough about our organization to even attempt this. So, I ask my female employees which one of you was dumb enough to sleep with this idiot? Don’t think I won’t find out on my own, and you can guess what will happen to you then.”
Grudgingly, two women raised their hands — neither of whom were Lara. They first looked at each other with shock and then at Bryce with anger. “You weasel!” Lara just stood back laughing.
Now Bryce was sweating a bit. “I do have an explanation–”
“Here’s the deal,” Colette interrupted. “It’s actually kinda impressive that you stole that weaponry, and it is of value to me. Why don’t I take it as payment for letting you live, and if I have any jobs in the future that are best suited to desperate losers — and that happens from time to time — I’ll look you four up. Deal?”
“How about you let us live plus five thousand,” Lulu countered.
“Three thousand, but I kill you and donate it to a charity in your name.”
Lulu looked confused. “Charity?”
Colette sighed. “Money people give to help poor people. It’s something from before your time.”
“Isn’t the government supposed to handle that?” Bryce asked.
“Just never mind.”
“I know,” Lulu said, “how about four thousand, and you only kill one of us.”
Colette frowned. “I’m no longer amused by you four. Get out.”
“Wait. We have something else that might be of value.” Bryce motioned to Doug. Doug took the cube out of its sack, and he held it out as steadily as he could though touching it made him feel cold and miserable.
Colette was unimpressed. “And what is that supposed to be?”
“It’s what Asmod was trying to hide. It’s what Serpine sent Loch to retrieve. It’s what Elza’s minions were going to steal until we got it first.” Bryce paused dramatically. “And now, we offer it to you.”
Colette now looked somewhat intrigued. She snatched it from Doug’s hand and looked it over. “Why does it have drawings of rabbits scratched into its side?”
Bryce gave a very quick angry glance to Lulu and then looked back at Colette. “We’re not quite sure of the purpose of its symbols, but I bet you can sense what a powerful artifact it is.”
“It’s a metal cube with poorly drawn bunnies on it.” She tossed it to Bryce who fumbled with it like a hot potato until he passed it on to Doug who quickly put it back in its sack.
“Maybe you should ask Dammon about it,” Bryce suggested. “I’m sure he’ll know of its significance.”
“Yes, that sounds exactly like the sort of thing I should bother an all-powerful being about. Well, if I find myself in need of a bunny cube, I’ll know where to find you.”
Lulu whispered to Charlene. “I told you that’s what it’s called.”
“You’ve now wasted more of my time than that stolen military equipment bought you,” Colette told them. She turned to her people. “Before you send them on their way, beat the crap out of them.”
NEXT
Archive of entries posted on 28th March 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Frank Advice on Ending the Democratic Primary
The Dems are a bit pathetic lately, so I thought I should give them some help as someone has to challenge McCain to keep him from lazily sliding leftwards. Obviously, they need a way to pick their candidate that satisfies both sides. With the Hillary and Obama so close in delegates, the simple election solutions are going to leave a large number of Democrats feeling cheated. And, frankly, they love feeling cheated and complaining about the fact. So, more extraordinary measures are needed.
Now, the most obvious solution is putting them in some sort of cage with weaponry where only one leaves. I don’t think this will work for the Democrats, though, because they won’t think Obama with his saccharine message of hopey change can stand up to the vicious Hillary who has long thirsted for his blood. Instead, they need to compete on a plane Democrats are more familiar with.
How about they are each given a billion dollars in tax money, and whoever spends it all the first wins. They can’t just spend it on military weaponry (and, being Democrats, they wouldn’t want to), and instead have to spend it all on wasteful, counterproductive social programs. That would prove which one of them is the most hardcore Democrat.
Another idea is a competition for sympathy by them having to convince a TV audience which one of them is the most victimized by society. A call in vote will determine once and for all who has it rougher — women or minorities — and Ryan Seacrest will announce the winner… after the break.
Also, they could get a group of foreigners and Obama and Hillary could compete on who could befriend the most. Having foreigners like us is of the utmost concern to Democrats.
If none of that is satisfactory, Democratic leaders can take advantage of the fact that many Democrats, being anti-religious, believe about any supernatural crap. The heads of the Democrats can say they are going to go to a secret seance room where they will summon all the great Democrats throughout America history and have them consult and decide on who should be the nominee. Then they can just head to where the coffee machine is and flip a coin… or just decide to nominate Hillary so she’ll release their families. Whatevs.
USA Today Readers Shall Be the Fools This April
Sorry to be a bit neglectful to the blog this week, but an opportunity came up that I wanted to devote my full creative energies to. Anyway, you should look for a column co-authored by me in the April 1st edition (that’s Tuesday) of USA Today… unless this was all some cruel April Fools joke on me. If so, then well played, Jonah Goldberg. Well played.
What’s a Super Delegate?
When discussing the Democratic primaries, it’s obvious that a lot of people are still confused about the candidate selection process. Lately I’ve been getting a ton of e-mail (and by “a ton of”, I mean “not a single frickin'”) asking me what the hell a “super delegate” is.
Naturally, I’d love to answer these queries, but there’s a problem. You see, as a team blog, IMAO succeeds by carving out territories and keeping each writer within their own boundaries. We each have our own little genres that we write in, and we don’t cross those lines. That’s why Frank doesn’t post “lolterizt!“, and I don’t post every single stupid stray thought that pops into my head.
Trouble is, “Frequently Asked Questions” is a Frank J. thing, and if I tried to do one of those, Frank would cut my ear off with his katana, just like he did to Rowdi after she tried to post a “Know Thy Enemy” last week.
So although I can’t do an actual FAQ and tell you what a super delegate is, I can at least explain what a super delegate isn’t, because that ton [see above] of emails I’ve been getting invariably start with:
“Dear Frank
Everyone keeps saying super delegates are going to end up selecting the Democratic presidential nominee. I don’t get it. I thought a super delegate was…”
Here are some of the most common misconceptions, and my explanations for those poor bewildered souls who sent them:
 |
…that one movie that I mistakenly rented because I thought it was Michael Moore’s biograpy?
No, that was “Super Size Me“. And it sorta is.
…what people yelled at the movie screen after Brad takes his glasses off in The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
No, that’s “Super Asshole!”. Be warned: cult movies are still a cult. Get thee to a deprogrammer.
…when you find yourself naked in bed with Tyra Banks and Paris Hilton?
No, that’s a “Supermodel Sandwich”, although rumor has it that both Clinton and Obama think about these a lot, too.
…that thing that made me laugh harder than I ever have before in my life?
No, that was “Superbowl XLII”, and more specifically the look on Tom Brady’s face at the end of it.
…Soundgarden’s best album?
No, that was “Superunknown”. Except that I’m sure you meant “Down on the Upside”, you tonedeaf moron.
…Joe Pesci’s “Star Wars Holiday Special”?
No, that was “The Super“, and unlike Mark Hamill, it didn’t put a bullet in the head of his acting career.
…the worst video game ever created by the hand of man?
No, that was Super Mario Brothers.
…proof that we didn’t drop NEARLY enough nukes on Japan?
Also Super Mario Brothers.
…the horrible, horrible thing that made me vow to never read IMAO again… except for right now so that I could find your e-mail address?
No, that was Superego. [You mean Simpsons Trivia – Frank J.]
…that one thing that got Monica Lewinsky’s dress all wet?
No, that was a Super Soaker. Just a reminder – squirt gun accidents are a preventable tragedy. Always use a trigger lock.
…that guy who’s faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
No, that was Fred Thompson. And you people had your chance but you blew it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a pair of katana-proof earmuffs.
Most Awesome Idea Ever
I keep hearing the idea thrown out that the Democrats, as a compromise, should nominate Al Gore.
That would be so awesome!
I mean, I’m ready for a political season of making fun of Obama, but to actually have Al Gore out there to kick around… that would be unbelievable. Back in 2000, I didn’t have a blog, so I didn’t get a chance to play off him them. Since he lost, though, he’s gotten tons crazier and funnier. He’s to the point where I think I could just post an undoctored photo of him and conservatives would burst out laughing at the site of him. His name has joined the pantheon of funny words along with Cucamonga and kumquat. His nomination would be so great for IMAO, I would make my largest political donation ever to the DNC if they would go ahead and do it.
I’m not getting my hopes up, though; I’ve done that too much recently just to have them dashed against the rocks. Even the Democrats must realize what a train wreck that would be… and not just a train wreck, but a train running into the Titanic while they both are crashed into by the Hindenburg and a commenter on TV says, “Oh, the human… Who I am kidding; I know a lot of lives were just lost, BUT THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!”
And it would be awesome.
Dude!
I’d hate honkeys for that kind of money…