The Dems are a bit pathetic lately, so I thought I should give them some help as someone has to challenge McCain to keep him from lazily sliding leftwards. Obviously, they need a way to pick their candidate that satisfies both sides. With the Hillary and Obama so close in delegates, the simple election solutions are going to leave a large number of Democrats feeling cheated. And, frankly, they love feeling cheated and complaining about the fact. So, more extraordinary measures are needed.
Now, the most obvious solution is putting them in some sort of cage with weaponry where only one leaves. I don’t think this will work for the Democrats, though, because they won’t think Obama with his saccharine message of hopey change can stand up to the vicious Hillary who has long thirsted for his blood. Instead, they need to compete on a plane Democrats are more familiar with.
How about they are each given a billion dollars in tax money, and whoever spends it all the first wins. They can’t just spend it on military weaponry (and, being Democrats, they wouldn’t want to), and instead have to spend it all on wasteful, counterproductive social programs. That would prove which one of them is the most hardcore Democrat.
Another idea is a competition for sympathy by them having to convince a TV audience which one of them is the most victimized by society. A call in vote will determine once and for all who has it rougher — women or minorities — and Ryan Seacrest will announce the winner… after the break.
Also, they could get a group of foreigners and Obama and Hillary could compete on who could befriend the most. Having foreigners like us is of the utmost concern to Democrats.
If none of that is satisfactory, Democratic leaders can take advantage of the fact that many Democrats, being anti-religious, believe about any supernatural crap. The heads of the Democrats can say they are going to go to a secret seance room where they will summon all the great Democrats throughout America history and have them consult and decide on who should be the nominee. Then they can just head to where the coffee machine is and flip a coin… or just decide to nominate Hillary so she’ll release their families. Whatevs.
Sounds good to me, ‘cepting for one small edit:
“How about they are each given a billion dollars in THEIR OWN MONEY,”
Oh wait, Dims only know how to spend OPM. Never mind.
I’d pay good money to see “American Victim” on the small screen! I would only stipluate that there can be no overlap in the victim groups (a black lesbian single-mom on welfare would be a quadruple threat, for instance). Or maybe Simon could simply disqualify people based on their oratory skills (or lack thereof). Watching the grievance brigade boo the “other” diverse candidates for the prize of “”Ultimate Victim” would be well worth the price of admission!
Still, I don’t think we should take the fire-armed cage match off the table completely. Maybe that could be the bonus round in case of a tie or something.
THERE IS AN OBVIOUS FLAW IN THE SEANCE IDEA. WHO WOULD BELIEVE A CLAIM THAT “they will summon all the great Democrats throughout America history?” “GREAT DEMOCRAT” IS AN OBVIOUS OXYMORON.
hahaha, Frank J, you are my hero!!!!
…go to a secret seance room where they will summon all the great Democrats throughout America history…
And who would that be? Not even JFK was all that hot as CIC, but at least he would look at the DNC’s options and declare Fred Thompson to be the nominee in order to bring testicular fortitude to a political party that has been bereft of strength since his time.
The “Who’s the Victim” reality series would be terrific – especially with a new host every night. Start with Oprah. Then Jerry Springer, Geraldo Rivera, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Nancy Pelosi…(the list is really huge)… and ending with a guest appearance by Dick “Shoot your face off” Cheney.
I think they should go far out into the ocean where AquaMan will herd a large group of Whales into a circle. The Whales will listen to passionate pleas by both candidates on who will do the best job to Save the Whales, Save the Planet, blah, blah, blah. The loser (Obama) will be promptly buggered by AquaMan and sent to shore to run for POTUS while the winner (Hillary) will remain behind to “manage” AquaMan’s affairs for the rest of his miserable time on earth!
Who are these great Democrat leaders you speak of? If they could find any, I’m sure these past leaders wouldn’t talk to any of the Democratic leadership today, especially Dean.
I doubt past democratic leaders would even recognize the party today. It bears no resemblance to the party they belonged to. Then again looking at Juan McPain one wonders what has happened to the Republican party as well. Sigh.
Here’s one: Have the candidates gather in a sizable American city with a substantial number of reasonably well-informed, nominally productive citizens who have expressed support for both the candidates and for the deliberative process.
Schedule a series of discussions in various venue sizes to allow all present to both listen to and offer opinions on issues and testaments to core values. Offer a number of ballots in full recognition that some of those present will be more interested in specific issues than in specific candidates and will be willing to negotiate support arrangements that would recoil from natural light like a garden slug sprinkled with table salt.
Conduct all of the preceding under the intense scrutiny of both traditional and new media and with endless analysis of every un-nuanced twitch.
I know it’d be hard to get all that set up on such short notice but if they decide to run with it, I had better get the credit.
Or they could just bring Gore off the bench, install Hillary as Gov. of NY, give Obama the veep slot and avoid all that messy, y’know, demo-crazy.
Oh, yeah, great. Alan brings up “testicular fortitude,” ussjimmycarter follows with a buggerer called Aquaman and seanmahair has to start talking about pain.
Now, I’ve got to report that it’s snowing here Al “Bloody” Gore. On March 28? In Seattle? Can we all say, “Global Cooling?” good Democrats?
Where is the Snarkomatic when we need him?
Have Obama and Clinton center stage at a large auditorium surrounded by members of the United States military. The US Secret Service will hook each candidate up to both the world’s most sensitive Lie Detector & a super powerful Shock Collar. The military get’s to ask anything they want about patriotism, love of country, duty, honor, sacrifice, Bush lied people died, no war for oil, etc. Golly Gee, ain’t electronics fun!
And fully computerize the whole thing,, ussjc, complete with body sensors and probes. Picture-in-a-picture, real time graphing of vitals, skin chemistry and strain readings on various bodily orifaces. I don’t get paid to be an engineer here.
This is hard coming up with an idea to pick one of these two morons as a cadidate. How about seeing which of the two candidates can drink the most bleach or juggle the most running chainsaws?
A really easy game to play with Democrat campaign footage is “Spot the Moron.”
How about we just put the both of them on “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” and see who does the best.
Hillary Clilnton vs. Barack Obama on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader – that’s the shortest TV program ever.
I like the way you think, Jimmy. I’m thinking Cattle Prod firmly planted up each of the candidates keister! Every time one of them tell a lie (lips start to move) ZZZZZZZZZZ the Shock Collar and the Cattle Prod fire! The one that survives the “croppy flop” wins!
//the most obvious solution is putting them in some sort of cage with weaponry where only one leaves//
Who owns Bartertown??
BTW, whatever happened to that guy and his computer program that could detect lying in the human voice? When combined with galvanic skin response, heartbeat, respiration, brain waves, and sphincter muscle strain, that would be awesome applied to both candidates. Good chance for a screen graphic there to run next to those audience response “favorable graphs” we see after the debates. That would make an interesting correlation study – and good political ‘biofeedback.’
I have a feeling that no matter how diabolical our schemes and no matter what we hook her up to…Hillary would be able to sense 1) who had the idea in the first place (very bad for me 2) who added to it (bad for Jimmy) and 3 who owns the Blog which gave rise to it’s formulation (bad for Frank) and she would send any shocks back to each of us times about a gazillion!
There is a real lie detector that is far more reliable than voice stress analysis. See http://www.dagnyd.net/Truth.htm
“Much of the trouble we have in peace time and in war, in politics and in business ventures, is due to talented and ruthless liars. It looks like we may finally have a technological way to effectively deal with them.” For more: Truth Detector
OK try this link:
Truth Detector
That seems to work in the preview.
Very funny! I’m sitting here reading bad news about Democrats and the Bush State Department (thanks to that Snarkrates fella) and you just have to remind me why I should support Obama, because, hell, McCain would probably do the same as Hillary! Which means we’re both REALLY in trouble, ussjc. Time to apologize. I submit mine thusly… !^!$!#&*%^!@
You forgot the baby toss -usually executed near a steep cliff – with two sides open -this allows for an opportunity to exhibit what they love best- choice.
This only runs at night to comply with the directives from their friends on the Supreme Court and allows privacy. We could name the two cliffs, penumbras and emminations respectively.
Speaking about Obama…Would your “church,” if you fellowship with one, put on it’s bulletin board hateful articles from the anti-semitic, terrorist group Hamas? Barack Obama’s CURRENT church, Trinity United Church of Christ, did just that.
We just found out in the last 48 hours that Wright, while giving a eulogy in 2007, said that “(Jesus’) enemies had their opinion about Him… The Italians for the most part looked down their garlic noses at the Galileans.”
Now comes a report by NBC News that while Wright was in charge at Obama’s CURRENT church, reprinted anti-Israel writings, including one column by none other than Hamas leader, Mousa Abu Marzook, appeared on the bulletin board there.
The column by the Hamas leader, Mousa Abu Marzook, asked: “Why should any Palestinian recognise the monstrous crimes carried out by Israel’s founders and continued by its deformed modern apartheid state?”
The question becomes one of judgment, character, integrity, honesty and intelligence.
If I were to believe Obama’s defense that he didn’t, and still doesn’t, know what was, and still is, going on at his church for 20 years, then, in my opinion, he must not be very observant nor intelligent, and does not possess sensible judgement. Therefore he cannot be qualified to be the POTUS, in my opinion. If I do NOT believe Obama, then his integrity, character and honesty is woefully insufficient to be the POTUS, in my opinion.
Obama went to Harvard Law School (they don’t let just anybody in), where he became the first African-American president of the prestigious Harvard Law Review. He graduated magna cum laude in 1991. Now do you think he is NOT aware of what his church and ex-pastor are all about? Be AFRAID! Be VERY AFRAID!
Barack Obama’s political FRAUD against the American People continues…
Read the rest of this article here…http://777denny.wordpress.com/2008/03/28/barack-obama-reverend-wright-trinity-united-church-of-christ-and-hamas/
Easy, Easy, Denny…Bama aint faster than a speeding bullet. With all the “crazies” running around (You know the evil white people,right wing military industrial complex, etc). How long do you really think Scama can survive? Life expectancy dwindles exponentionaly the closer to the prize he gets.
Give them each a billion dollars of taxpayer money, and see who can spend TWO billion dollars first, and then make up the difference in “taxes on the rich,” meaning anyone making over $20,000/year.
TerribleTroy #25 is offensive to me.
Since my recent conversion to Obamism, I’ve been able to see all the evil white people in the right wing military industrial complex with their laser night vision brain implants. And they’re all after the Obamessiah. So don’t be joking your evil white people right wing military industrial complex jokes.
Just build a giant blue toilet bowl for them to have it out. Might as well, since their main objective seems to be seeing which one can circle the drain faster. The booby prize is that the winner gets to take McJuan with them.
I guess Osamabamas life expectancy will mostly depend on who he taps for VP. After all there probably is someone worse? Harry “Go to (&%” Reid, John “Argggggggggggg” Dean, (add typical left wing libtard name here). Who do we really want not to be President and I guarantee that’s who he’ll name.
Wait a minute, we can pretend we really hate McCain’t (some of us are not going to have to pretend too much) and maybe in the spirit of HOPE and CHANGE, Barak will pick him as his VP. I wonder if that’s worth a shot?
#27: I was visualizing complex, industrial machinery as I read your comment. Is there something wrong with me?
#28: There’s nothing like a good, clean bowl. Might that be a scented bowl? And colored, perhaps?
#29: I don’t have to pretend. All I want to do is knock some #$%#$^ and !@#$!% and !@#$^@#$^& and … into him. 🙂 Ahhhhh.
Actually, what I really am thinking of doing is writing a long piece about Islam and floating it on the Innertubes.
#30 Go for it Jimmy. If anyone can make it work it would be you ; ) I wish the only thing we had to worry about was the disintegration of the Demoncratic party but …….. I think maybe the Republican party is not long behind them. Shortly followed by the rest of the US. Heartfelt sigh.
Hi seanmahair. Well, there was quite the thread over at Ace of Spades about “Fitna.” Apparently, it was so explosive that Ace closed it and deleted it and in it’s place is a new one called “Fitna Thread Closed and Deleted” which is ongoing right now (09:30 PDT). Wow. All the arguments I was thinking about writing about where purely “logical.” Whereas, I can get “ticked off,” I had no idea just how livid a lot of people are about this situation. Cries for blood are boiling to the surface. I think I’ll lay off for a while. Cheers.
I was thinking they could do an American Idol kind of thing – each candidate sings a song that was cheap to license…maybe an old Streisand tune…or Bob Dylan or Joni Mitchell…something really hippie and liberal.
Then Ryan Seacrest would tell everyone to call in for their favorite candidate. The winner gets the nomination and the loser gets a lucrative speech tour to all the liberal arts collages.
Heck more people vote for American Idol every week than in the entire Democratic primary all year long. Could be good for the party AND a savy Hollywood liberal willing to take a chance and produce show.
…and then of course there’s the ancient Vulcan ritual of Kal-if-fee, which I think would be far more entertaining.
They keep playing snippets of John McCain’s speech from last week and everytime they do I have to get up and slam my pecker in the door jam again just to keep myself from going totally insane! He wants a new “league of democratic nations”! To do what? Take anything to that the United Nations doesn’t Veto to do a double dare super secret Veto vote before we act on anything as a country?
ussjc, I keep reading claims (mostly from the Left) that McCain wants to chuck the UN in favor of a new body. Sovereign nations with sovereign citizens? Nah, no one wants to discuss that. We must bow down before the alter of democracy. You might need pecker insurance.
Yeah, USSJC, wouldn’t it be nice if McJuan were as exited about this Constitutional Republic as he seems to be about some phony-ass “league” of dhimmicratic nations?
I’ve got a better idea. We need a international gentlemens club, “Friends of the United States”. We invite a few countries we’re pretty sure aren’t going to stab us in the back too soon, (a loose definition of ‘friend”), like Tawain, South Korea, Poland and Australia to join first. Then these countries propose other countries for membership on the basis of mutual interest or because they’ve got something on them to ensure their loyalty. Like a traditional gentlemens club, Any member can ‘blackball’ any new applicant for any reason without having to explain why. This will ensure exclusivness and keep the status of membership high. Besides cushy leather easy chairs and a first class billiard table in the clubhouse, other perks of membership could be offered. Like, maybe, “We like you, so we’ll kill you last” (Arnold in Commando – paraphrase). What other advantages to membership in the “Friends of the United States” should we offer? Let the scaberous lepers at the UN start their own Friends of … clubs and see who gives a damn if they join or not! Which countries club would have the fewest members and what sort of membership incentives would they offer?
#27 Im sorry if I offended you, but who said I was joking?
#38 ..At first I thought you proposing a sopranos style strip club…cept you left out the ukranian strippers…
Everyone take a deep breath.. the news story of the week will be how Iraq is “falling apart”. And they may be correct. If they dont take out the Mahdi Army…. this is going to get ugly… they took the winter off and are ready for the spring passive offensive (4th gen warfare). My advice to our current government… GO ALL OUT. KILL THE MAHDI ARMY NOW.
From what I read, TT, they “took the winter off” and secretly brought in arms from Iran. They’ve been laying low – an old trick. al-Sadr was sick in Iran, remember? Yahsure. But it’s now a chance for Iraq to step-up and let us take the back seat with the air strikes and support. If the outcome is bad for us, the war escalates, particularly near the Iran border. If Iran gets sucked-in, bingo: new war. Time then to also take out Iran’s developing nukes. If the outcome is good, crisis over. I think we’re about to ‘win this thing’ on W’s watch. That’s my take on it, anyway, FWIW.
I think you may be on to something or on something Jimmy! I’m waiting for a very large hole to appear where Iran’s nuclear “research” facilities use to exist. There will be reports of Israel firing off a massive launch of F-18’s at around the same time but they will deny and be insulted that anyone could suspect them of attacking their good friends in Iran…
Well, ussjimmycarter, I have a slight confession to make. After 911, W became ‘Warrior’ and the US fought back. And I was very happy with that (I mean VERY happy). When he announced that no country was safe who harbored those terrorist scumbags, I had visions of Damascus and Tehran being next, you know, looking like Dresden, Germany on the day after another “shock ‘n awe.” But something held him back. What was it? All of Saddam’s Accounts Payable to the Europeans and Russians? Saudi money? Too large of an interruption of Middle Eastern oil to the West? Some combination of utlimatums from other world powers? Or, maybe, all of the above?
At any rate, the game isn’t over. And W may yet have a chance to go out being a Warrior and Win.
Let’s see … So far we have:
1. leather easy chairs
2. billiard table
3. We like you, so we’ll kill you last.
4. Ukranian strippers.
Hey! I’d join! If the Australians bring the beer I’ll bring the pulled-pork bar-be-que.