BAGHDAD (AP) – After Wal-Mart found rousing success by adding Arab-friendly products to their Dearborn, Michigan store, the retail giant has taken this formula across the ocean and opened it’s first terrorist-friendly facility in Baghdad.
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With it’s motto of “Allah Ackbar. Allah.”, the new “Wal-Martyr” store in the heart of Sadr City’s insurgency district caters to the underserved needs of locals who want the convenience of one-stop IED shopping.
“This is great!” said Mohammed Hasan. “I used to have to go downtown to buy dynamite from Mohammed, then across the river to buy fuses from Mohammed, and then to my brother-in-law Mohammed to buy remote control detonators. Wal-Martyr has everything I need, and less travel time means less chance of catching an American sniper bullet with my forehead.”
Aspiring female suicide bomber Fatima Hameed was equally enthusiastic. “I’d resigned myself to meeting Allah draped in some drab, colorless bomb belt, but this store has all the latest designer fashions. Look!” she said, pointing excitedly, “They’ve got Bomby Hilfiger!”
Martyr-to-be Mohammed Salih, however, expressed some concerns. “I think it’s great that the infidel retail establishment is finally following the lead of America’s journalists in assisting with our Holy War, but I find it disturbing that a lot of these goods were manufatured in China. They have no respect for human rights over there.”
Surprisingly, even America’s military supports the new shopping center. “I used to have to run all over the city looking for terrorists to kill,” said Marine Sergeant Lennie “Grits” Purdue. “Now all I have to do is hang out in the parking lot like a cop waiting outside a bar at closing time and shoot them when they come out. Like my friend Gerard says: ‘Fish. Barrel. Bang.'”
I’ve been purchasing C4 at Wal-Mart for years. All they really did is add yr to the end of the name!
I’ve always been disappointed by the lack of 7.62 at Wal-Mart. Plenty of .223, but no 7.62. It’s a crime, I tell ya…
Funny, Harvey. I imagine that Wal-Martyr has a TV / electronics section where they show previews of the 72 virgins that await suicide bomber shoppers. And, a customer service section where buyers can purchase extended warranties and training on do-it-yourself equipment. Perhaps you could sell them a “try before you buy” program.
Don’t much care about Wal-Mart’s ethnic pandering but still a funny bit. Wal-Martyr
Could Harvey be Frank J’s evil twin?
bomby hilfiger
snortLOL
Heh. See, because all the shop owners were named Mohammed? Get it? I totally LOL’d. Heh. Good show Harv.
OMG, Harvey is Da BOMB…i mean, he’s really, really funny. this could be a skit somewhere, or a SNL (shudder) news story.
“…but I find it disturbing that a lot of these goods were manufatured in China. They have no respect for human rights over there.”
Harvey-larious!
That was hilarious!
I bet the Returns Department business is a bit slow
This is a terrible development for the neighborhood. It’s driving all our local mom-and-pop bomb shops out of business, and their former employees are essentially forced to work at Wal-Matyr, because they’re the only business left in town. Wal-Martyr’s health plan doesn’t cover vitally needed survivor benefits, or bullet wounds for their part-time employees. Without adequate health insurance or union protection, how can our people carry on the glorious struggle against the infidel occupiers?
Very funny. I have to go to Dearborn for work often (I live in Ohio), and it is hard to describe what it is like. You will literally see burkas on every third woman. What a shame.
The last time I was there, I stopped to try to help a muslim woman with a flat tire. She seemed terrified that I was there, since “her husband was on the way.” This was the first time a woman stranded with a car problem refused my help.
She was in the full burka of course.
“Fish. Barrel. Bang.” Priceless. 😀
“Fish. Barrel. Bang.” Priceless. 😀
Wal-Martyr. Beautiful.
But can they get burkas with the Olsen Twin label?
Or Aqua-Quaida Fresh toothpaste?
Tim – I totally stole that line from Gerard of American Digest, although I give myself credit for recognizing an appropriate place to use it 🙂
they now sell the washing machine timers separate from washing machines.