When discussing the Democratic primaries, it’s obvious that a lot of people are still confused about the candidate selection process. Lately I’ve been getting a ton of e-mail (and by “a ton of”, I mean “not a single frickin'”) asking me what the hell a “super delegate” is.
Naturally, I’d love to answer these queries, but there’s a problem. You see, as a team blog, IMAO succeeds by carving out territories and keeping each writer within their own boundaries. We each have our own little genres that we write in, and we don’t cross those lines. That’s why Frank doesn’t post “lolterizt!“, and I don’t post every single stupid stray thought that pops into my head.
Trouble is, “Frequently Asked Questions” is a Frank J. thing, and if I tried to do one of those, Frank would cut my ear off with his katana, just like he did to Rowdi after she tried to post a “Know Thy Enemy” last week.
So although I can’t do an actual FAQ and tell you what a super delegate is, I can at least explain what a super delegate isn’t, because that ton [see above] of emails I’ve been getting invariably start with:
“Dear Frank
Everyone keeps saying super delegates are going to end up selecting the Democratic presidential nominee. I don’t get it. I thought a super delegate was…”
Here are some of the most common misconceptions, and my explanations for those poor bewildered souls who sent them:
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…that one movie that I mistakenly rented because I thought it was Michael Moore’s biograpy?
No, that was “Super Size Me“. And it sorta is.
…what people yelled at the movie screen after Brad takes his glasses off in The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
No, that’s “Super Asshole!”. Be warned: cult movies are still a cult. Get thee to a deprogrammer.
…when you find yourself naked in bed with Tyra Banks and Paris Hilton?
No, that’s a “Supermodel Sandwich”, although rumor has it that both Clinton and Obama think about these a lot, too.
…that thing that made me laugh harder than I ever have before in my life?
No, that was “Superbowl XLII”, and more specifically the look on Tom Brady’s face at the end of it.
…Soundgarden’s best album?
No, that was “Superunknown”. Except that I’m sure you meant “Down on the Upside”, you tonedeaf moron.
…Joe Pesci’s “Star Wars Holiday Special”?
No, that was “The Super“, and unlike Mark Hamill, it didn’t put a bullet in the head of his acting career.
…the worst video game ever created by the hand of man?
No, that was Super Mario Brothers.
…proof that we didn’t drop NEARLY enough nukes on Japan?
Also Super Mario Brothers.
…the horrible, horrible thing that made me vow to never read IMAO again… except for right now so that I could find your e-mail address?
No, that was Superego. [You mean Simpsons Trivia – Frank J.]
…that one thing that got Monica Lewinsky’s dress all wet?
No, that was a Super Soaker. Just a reminder – squirt gun accidents are a preventable tragedy. Always use a trigger lock.
…that guy who’s faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
No, that was Fred Thompson. And you people had your chance but you blew it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a pair of katana-proof earmuffs.
My coffee just had a “zero gravity” moment. Thanks a lot, Harvey.
In defense of Frank, many of us like all those stupid ideas that pop into his head! He might just be a super delegate.
Hilarious. This is now a “Super Post” since you mentioned teh Fred!
I LIKED Simpsons Trivia.
And where the hell is muh Cat Blog?
Great post, but IMAO needs to find a few more writers to post regarding areas of the news that are being missed.
There’s really no excuse for there to be no post after Paris Hilton states in a Reuters news story both that she is a role model for young girls and, “I don’t pay attention to lies because I am a good person, I work very hard and I’ve built this empire on my own. I think this is an inspiration for a lot of girls out there,” she told Reuters.”
Apparently, having a billionaire grandfather is now considered “on my own.”
Yet, no Frank J…no Harvey…not even a Right Wing Duck, sob…we’re just out here on our own with this one to imagine what that post would have looked like. I’ll be okay…no it’s alright…we’re just so alone…sob…
Wait a second, why do people writing e-mails to Harvey address him as Frank?
“Dear Frank
Everyone keeps saying super delegates are going to end up selecting the Democratic presidential nominee. I don’t get it. I thought a super delegate was…”
Somebody was talking about Frank “pulling a Harvey” the other day. It’s funny how clues on this keep popping up. You’re right, Pantera, there’s something weird going on here.
Just so you know, Harv, every once in a while I read what you post, so you can’t always make fun of me behind my back!
“He might just be a super delegate.”
That sounds like a new comedy bit:
You might be a SuperDelegate if…
And I’m glad I’m not the only one who has no idea what that is.
Hey, thanks, Harvey! The nukes/Super Mario Bros. correlation is dead on. And in addition to this informative post, at least people aren’t referring to you as FrankJ as much lately.
…the worst video game ever created by the hand of man?
No, that was Super Mario Brothers.
…proof that we didn’t drop NEARLY enough nukes on Japan?
Also Super Mario Brothers.
You die now!!
This is liberalism at its finest:
All delegates are equal, some are just more equal than others.
Situation normal, ladies and gents, all fouled up.
“Wait a second, why do people writing e-mails to Harvey address him as Frank?
“Dear Frank”
Thats because they are just split personalities of the same diseased mind. Whichever personality has temporary domination makes posts. Sometimes people get their personalities confused and don’t know how to address their comments. Rumor has it that there might be a non-photoshopped picture of them in the same room, but like pictures of bigfoot they have all been proven false. Sometimes one personality takes over for a week or two. They will claim the other one went on vacation, but we know that the doctor was experimenting with the drug doses again.
Wait, is Aquaman a super delegate? I mean, is he going to be voting in the democrat primary?
I also am a student of history, and the reason the Democrat Party was even created, was on the theory that the voice of the people was always right. How nice that the democrats have abandoned that platform for the sake of politics. At least the GOP has never flipped its position on slavery in order to win elections. For the Kos Kids out there, the Republican party was formed in order to abolish slavery, that means make it go away. I know how things like facts confuse them.
There are people who didn’t like Super Mario Brothers?
Super delegates were an invention of the Democratic party in the 70’s as a way to let the “important” party members distinguish themselves from the rest of the slobbering masses (peons) of the party.
There are also added benefits for these party insiders ranging from favors to outright bribes in a close race like the one seen this year.
//Super delegates were an invention of the Democratic party in the 70’s as a way to let the “important” party members distinguish themselves from the rest of the slobbering masses (peons) of the party//
WHOA, you mean there are elitests in that party that are even snootier than the rest???? That’s F–ked up, right there.
Pantera – on the off chance that that was a serious question, the answer is that it’s sort of an inside joke. When I write a good post, there will often be one confused commenter who tells Frank how funny it was.
And someone please tell Frank that someone’s posting lies under his name.
“every once in a while I read what you post”
Geez, ya little troll, you could at least TRY to make it believable!