Carnegie Mellon’s The Tartan (I used to write for that) reported that at an Obama event, people were calling out, “Get me more white people, we need more white people.”
It’s pretty true these days that a national candidacy can’t succeed without the support of white people, and it’s good to see them getting their recognition. Obama’s campaign should read the site Stuff White People Like to figure out more ways to attract white people such as having an Arrested Development marathon where they serve expensive sandwiches.
Archive of entries posted on 9th April 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 16 – Birds in a Bush
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Bryce eyes brightened up on sight of Lara. “Hello, doll-face!” He sat down next to her.
Lulu said in a monotone voice, “Oh, hi, Lara; you’re our best friend” and sat down at the table as well. Charlene kept a cautious eye on Lara as she sat but didn’t say anything.
Doug, as usual, was confused. “You had us beat up!” Doug yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Lara.
She chuckled. “There’s that dry wit again.”
Charlene yanked Doug down into a chair and shushed him.
Darius sat as well, and his expression over the outburst seemed to be resting somewhere between confusion and unconcern. “I need something done, and I don’t want Dammon involved. Ms. Skinner here agreed to help and recommend you four. What I’m looking for is a special device. It looks like a metal cube; I understood you four know of it.”
“Oh yes. The ‘bunny cube’ as people call it,” Bryce said. “We know all about it.” He looked to Doug. “What was it you were saying about it?”
Doug stopped searching the menu for nachos to look up. “Oh… um… the cube is supposed to have a key inside to lock something. The Trans fear it for some reason. That’s what I’ve heard.”
Darius looked very surprised. “Heard from who?”
Doug realized this was trouble, so he turned to Bryce. Bryce was better at lying. “It’s just the word out there,” Bryce said. “A lot of rumors are already flying around as it is an odd little thing.”
Darius didn’t look very convinced. “So, I need it, and I need it quickly. I know Elza’s people have it, and I expect not just Dammon will be after it, but Loch as well. Thus I’m willing to pay quite handsomely for it considering the risk.”
“Hellbender doesn’t come cheap,” Lulu lied, twitching her painted on whiskers.
“Ms. Skinner negotiated five million, and that seems fair.”
Bryce was the first to recover from the shock. “Seems fair.”
“I hope we’re agreed then.” Darius stood up. “Ms. Skinner already has all the details. This lunch is on my account; feel free to order whatever you want, and I hope I’ll see you all again soon.”
As Darius left, Doug quickly reached for the menu again. “Free food! Awesome! Do you think it’s too early for beer?” He scanned through the menu for a moment. “Wait. Did he say ‘million’?”
Lara smiled. “I’m guessing we have some talking to do.”
Charlene was not amused. “I was thinking other things than talking.”
“I was too,” Bryce said, “but probably not the same things as her. If we all have a chance to get rich, isn’t that worth making up and being friends?”
“Yes, it was kind of mean what I did to all of you,” Lara said, “but that’s the price you pay for having Bryce as a friend. I then helped you put that bitch Colette in her place, though, and I was quite impressed by your entrepreneurial spirit. I found out that Asmod’s government was going to pay heavily for the cube but knew that was something I couldn’t handle myself, and since Colette tasked me to hunt you guys down I quickly arranged this.”
“If I didn’t look cute as a raccoon,” Lulu stated, “I’d slit your throat right now. I don’t really trust working with you.”
“And what do we need you for, anyway?” Charlene asked Lara.
“I have the contact with Darius,” Lara replied, “and I’ve been studying the Elza problem and am best equipped to find out where her people brought the cube. In fact, since I brought this opportunity to you and have all the knowledge, I’m going to need fifty percent.”
Lulu stood up. “I need to go to the bathroom. Charlene, do you need to go to bathroom? Doug and Bryce, do you need to go too?”
Lara sighed. “I’ll go to the bathroom.” She stood up and walked off.
Lulu sat back down. “I wrote a poem about my feelings about her:
“I don’t like her
She’s a bitch.
Let’s beat her up
And throw her in a ditch!”
Bryce shrugged. “Your meter is off.”
“Your meter’s off!”
“We have plenty of money for now,” Charlene said. “Lets just get out of here. She could turn on us at any point… not to mention you people aren’t really skilled enough to be taking on this sort of operation. We’re doing pretty well right now considering our past history, so let’s not get greedy. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.”
“We’re not talking about two in the bush!” Bryce shouted. “We’re talking about… um…” He looked to Lulu. “How much more than twenty five grand are we talking?”
“Eighty-seven point six times as much.”
“We’re talking eighty-seven point six…” Bryce paused. “That doesn’t sound right.” He thought it out. “We’re talking one hundred birds in the bush, and the bush is only guarded by incompetent Amazons. Didn’t you say they’re not even very good at fighting?”
“I didn’t say you guys were better,” Charlene answered.
“Are we really talking about getting millions of dollars?” Doug asked. “That’s a lot of money.”
“See! One of us has his priorities straight,” Bryce said. “We can do this, and if we do it quickly, then we don’t have to worry about running into Dammon’s people or… Loch.”
Doug shuddered. “If he’s around, I’m out of this. I don’t want millions that bad.”
“And are we agreeing to fifty percent?” Charlene asked.
“Here’s what I say we do,” Lulu stated. “We agree to give her fifty percent, but when the job is done, we say to Lara, ‘Here’s your share!’ and punch her in the face and run away.”
“Maybe we can argue her down a little,” Bryce said, “but I’m sure we can set up accounts ahead of time so no one can screw the other.”
“You won’t want that,” Lulu commented.
Doug looked around. “When is the waiter coming?”
Lara returned and took her seat. “So…”
Bryce stared at her with his intense business face. “We want sixty percent.”
“Fifty it is,” she said. “We better get out of here pretty soon. We’ll take the train.”
Lulu pounded the table. “It’s not a train.”
“Excuse me?”
“It doesn’t follow a track. You can’t just call it a train because it sorta looks like one.”
“It’s a number of segments — independent vehicles — that move together in a line, i.e., a train,” Lara said. “You’d have a case if they called it a flying railroad.”
Lulu looked like she was about to reply, but nothing came out. Instead she leaned back in her chair and muttered, “Bitch.”
NEXT
McCain’s VP
So who would be a good VP… IMAO-wise? I mean, I would like to continue writing In My Worlds™, so I’ll need someone I can work with. I kinda like Condi because then every week could be a story about her secretly trying to off old man McCain so she can be president and nuke Finland.
What do you think?
ABC Creates World’s Slantiest News Story
BAGHDAD (AP) – In an article interviewing soldiers in Iraq about their presidential candidate preferences, ABC News set a new record for opinionated slanting in an “unbiased” network media story by quoting four Obama supporters, one Clinton supporter, and NO ONE who supported McCain. The Republican candidate’s name was not mentioned at all in the story.
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“It started off as a joke,” said Martha Raddatz, the article’s author. “I mean, everyone dreams about having their truthiest story published, but I never thought my editor would let it fly – you know how they’re always going on about ‘ethics’ and crap, like they have a grudge against journalistic idealism – but in the end, he honored my voice. I feel so Rosa Parks.”
Marcus Baram, professor of journalism at Harvard, analyzed Raddatz’s story and said that it was the slantiest opinion piece he’d ever seen successfully masquerade as a news story.
“Journalistic slant is, like the slant of a line, measured in degrees. For example, the police report section of a small town newspaper – being purely factual – would be a zero degree slant, like a horizontal line. A 90 degree slant, like a vertical line, is the hypothetical maximum, which could never actually be reached unless Fox were to broadcast Fahrenheit 9/11 as a news story. Raddatz’s piece reaches an astonishing 85 degrees – I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Baram cited some of the factors that he thought made the piece “especially brilliant”:
* Four uses of the phrase “pull out”, including the IMAO-worthy line “By support, [Spc. Imus] Loto meant pulling out troops”.
* Using an Obama talking point by saying one soldier supported Obama “for his representation of change”.
* Using an Obama talking point by referring to the “steadiness” of the candidate’s views.
* Of the six soldiers quoted who did not name a candidate, two were implied to be politically oblivious, with one actually being quoted out of context as saying “I don’t know who’s running, ma’am.”
* Although the topic was Obama’s political experience, describing one Obama supporter as “the battle-weary soldier”.
* Claiming – without a relevant supporting quote – that a devoted soldier on his third tour of duty in Iraq was “just as eager for a pull-out as the Democratic candidates.”
Baram noted that Raddatz lost a few degrees of slant for describing a Dick Cheney speech as “rousing”, failing to call Bush a “warmonger”, and completely omitting any comparison of Iraq to Vietnam.
I Forget; Is It the Sunnis or the Shiites that Hates America and the Jews?
So McCain messed up at Patraeus’s testimony and implied that Al Qaeda is Shiite before quickly correcting himself. Whatever.
But the DNC, really desperate about the inexperienced attack against Obama, seized on this right away. I got an e-mail from Howard Dean who said:
“This is not some minor mistake, but a significant gaffe. He clearly does not understand the sensitive political dynamics in that region of the world.”
Are they really going to argue that Obama, who doesn’t know Pakistan from a hole in the ground, is going to win the Sunni/Shiite lighting round and is more qualified for foreign affairs? Based on what?
Oh, I know: “Obama is secretly a Shiite Muslim and hates the Sunnis, so, unlike McCain, he’s not going to get those two confused.”