A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 18 – Threat

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“Morning, Doug.” Doug opened his eyes to see Bryce was already dressed.
The second bed in the room had been used. “Lara kick you out last night?”
“She likes her space or something.”
Doug sat up in bed. “You trust her?”
Bryce checked the chamber of his pistol and put it in his shoulder holster. “Doug, I don’t even trust you, and I’m quite certain you’re not even capable of any significant deception. I made sure she set things up with Darius that no matter what, half the money goes into the account I set up when the job is done. If she kills us all when we have the cube, she won’t get a penny more.”
“Something isn’t right, though; I just know it.”
“Unless you have a less vague concern, things go as planned.” He seemed hesitant for a moment. “Anyway, did you see the Devil again?”
“You think there is something to that?”
Bryce shrugged. “The world is crazy; anything is possible.”
Doug thought for a moment. Usually it was hard to remember what he had dreamt about after he woke up. “Actually, I think I dreamt about the three women who attacked me in the bathroom.”
Bryce smiled. “Fun dream?”
“No. It was exactly the same with them beating me up, but instead of them just running away in the end, one of them pulled out a knife and stabbed me in the throat.”
“Well… that doesn’t help us.” Bryce put on a light jacket, concealing his holster. “If you see the Devil again, tell me everything he says.” Bryce headed for the door. “Anyway, shower and get ready, buddy; today is our day to get rich.”


They didn’t want to go into this situation blind, but speed was important knowing that forces way out of their league were looking for the cube as well. Charlene was able to get out early enough to spy Handler heading into the research lab. The others then quickly got together some resources which included renting a van while Lulu hunted down surveillance equipment. That wasn’t something sold just anywhere, but she knew where to look to find what they needed — though it wasn’t cheap. Lara was also splitting costs with them on equipment, but it still was becoming quite apparent that if Hellbender didn’t succeed, they weren’t going to have much left to fall back on.
Luckily, Handler went out for lunch, and then it was Bryce’s turn. He followed her into a nearby deli while Lara and Charlene waited across the seat in a coffee shop and Doug helped (more watched) Lulu set up the receiving equipment back at the hotel. The bug they gave to Bryce was only about the size of a pinhead, and it seemed a simple task to get it on the target which is why they were a little worried when a half-hour past and they hadn’t heard from him. Doug and Lulu finally got word that Bryce finally emerged from the deli and gave a thumbs up.
Lulu turned on the receiver and recording equipment. She and Doug could hear voices. “Well, it’s working I guess,” Lulu said. She then got a call from Bryce and answered it. “What took you so long? Were you trying to get it on her panties?”
“I can’t rush myself, or I’ll come off as phony. Also, I wanted to make sure to put it somewhere she’ll have it for a while. I got it on her glasses. She has very pretty eyes, actually. Also, I have her phone number if that helps us.”
“Did she seem evil and plotting?” Lulu asked.
“Not really. She’s actually a very interesting woman to talk to if you care about extra spatial dimensions.”
“Well, if this lead is a dead end, we’re going to trick Lara into an alleyway and beat her up.”
“Let’s not plot against each other just yet,” Bryce said. “That’s not conductive to teamwork.”
As it came to the end of the day, Bryce and Charlene waited outside the research center in the van in case something came up where they need to act quickly while Doug, Lulu, and Lara waited back at the hotel listening in. Doug wanted to be on the stakeout with Charlene, but she nixed that.
They had been listening all day, but so far nothing Handler said Doug could identify as of interest other than when she told a co-worker about the cute guy she met at lunch. “What’s a vector? She talks a lot about vectors.” Doug was busy cleaning the blade of his katana with oil as described in the katana care manual.
Lulu was seated near the receiver, trying to stay awake. “It’s a mathematical term, Doug; you don’t care about it.”
“What kind of sword is that?” Lara asked, seated on the bed.
“A Musashi XL.” The blade didn’t seem to have picked up any debris from when it cut Colette and still looked to be in perfect condition.
Lara chuckled. “Isn’t that a Wal-Mart brand?”
“A Wal-Mart exclusive, and it cuts great.” Doug had owned one for a while, though presumably his previous one was destroyed along with Shride.
“And you plan to make use of it?”
“When we fought Colette, bullets hardly slowed her, but this stopped her.” He carefully wiped down the blade one last time with a cloth, removing the excess oil.
“Not going to be of use here, though,” Lara said. “Reportedly, Elza has never ascended any of her followers.”
Doug sheathed his sword. “Hmm… wonder why that is.” Since Elza was such a thorn in the sides of the other Trans, that did make her of particular interest to Doug.
“So how are you guys planning on spending your money?” Lulu asked. “First thing, new shoes… and I think a purse. And then a big tropical vacation.”
“Can I come?” Doug said.
“Sure, if you don’t get in the way.”
“Well, I was thinking of getting a big entertainment systems for playing videogames,” he stated, “but I guess I need a place to put it. I hope we know where we’re going after this.”
“I’m going to get a nice apartment in the city — I haven’t figured out which city yet — you can go where you want, Doug.” Lulu looked at Lara. “What about you? 2.5 million is a lot for one girl to spend… and I assume its tax free.”
Lara looked slightly startled by the question. “Um… I’d invest it. I’m not going to waste it all on frivolities.”
Lulu rolled her eyes. “Yes, but you’ll splurge at least a little. Are you saying you haven’t thought about anything you plan to buy? A few new outfits at least?”
Lara appeared cross. “We’re not friends, Ms. Lui; how about my plans are just none of your business.”
“Maybe you could put the money towards a debitchification,” Lulu muttered as she stood up. “I’m going to grab some sodas. Want anything?”
“I’m fine,” Lara said.
“Wasn’t asking you.” Lulu looked to Doug.
“I’ll have a Mountain Dew.”
She left the room, and Doug looked to Lara who stared back at him. He stood up and held his sheathed sword at his side. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I keep getting this feeling you’re up to something… and if you harm any of my friends…” He took a deep breath. “I’ll kill you.”
Lara chuckled. “That wasn’t very convincing.”
“Well… it’s still true.”
Lara stood up and her smile faded. Though Doug was certainly bigger, Lara was actually quite a bit physically intimidating for a woman. “I know, but what if this is all about harming you? Then what will you do?”
“Huh?”
A powerful right hook struck Doug in his cheek and he fell over. The blow opened up a bruise he already had, and blood flowed down the side of his face. Lara stood over him with a disgusted expression.
Doug pressed against the wound to stop the bleeding. “What are you doing?”
“So I guess I can hurt you all I want and you won’t do anything other than stare up at me like a kicked puppy. Even you recognize how worthless you are and that you’re hardly worth defending.” Lara bent over him. “I know you’d come after me if something happened to your friends, because they’re all you have and, with them gone, you’d have nothing left but an impotent attempt at revenge. I’m one of the Last Children like you, Doug, and have been treated like worthless crap all my life because of whatever wrong it was that had them slaughter our parents. For most of us, it’s an unfair treatment, but then there’s you. They can look at you and feel justified. I saw the file Asmod’s government had on you, and then I met you. Someone like you has no right threatening me; you are too worthless to even talk to me. And if you cross me, I know exactly what I’ll do to you. I’ll tie you up and make you watch as I break Charlene’s arms and legs and take a knife and–”
Doug rose quickly at her with an uppercut. She got her arms in front of it, but the force still knocked her over into a chair. She laughed. “Now I believe you’ll kill me.”
“Um… am I interrupting something?” Lulu was standing at the door holding the drinks.
Lara got off the floor and sat back on the bed. “I was just trying to figure out how to explain something to your stupid friend.”
“We use puppets.” Lulu kept a suspicious eye on Lara as she walked over to Doug. “They didn’t have Mountain Dew. I got you a bottle of water.”
“Aww… I hate water.”
“Don’t complain; it’s free water.”
Doug grudgingly took it. “So’s a rainy day.”
“Guys, it looks like about everyone has left by now,” Charlene said over the radio. “We haven’t seen Handler, though; is she still in there?”
Lulu turned up the receiver and could hear the same ambient noises from Handler’s lab. “Yeah, she’s still there.”
“Doris, are we free to talk about it?” a female voice said.
“Wait, we have something,” Lulu said. Lara and Doug came close.
“I’ve only been able to study it a little so far without raising suspicion, but it’s a fascinating object,” Handler said. “Despite it’s small size in the first three dimensions, it is in fact quite immense. Its extradimensional connections are similar to a person, but bigger and more powerful. This could be the key to the downfall of the other Transcendents, Julia.”
“We can hope,” the woman apparently named Julia answered. “So… any idea why there are rabbits on it?”
Lulu giggled.
“I can’t be certain. It almost looks like it was just scratched in there with a crude tool,” Handler replied.
“It was a pocket knife,” Lulu said. “It’s not like I used a sharpened rock.”
Lara glared at her. “Shut up.”
“It’s been decided we need to move it,” Julia said.
“Where?”
“They haven’t told me, just that we’re moving it Thursday. We’ll find out more instructions then.”
“Three days.” Lara smiled. “They’ll walk it out, and we kill them and take it. Simple.”
NEXT

Fred Thompson Tree Hugger Not Shown

You’re damn right it’s not shown, or the next thing pictured would be a big red blotch that used to be you.
(hat tip to reader Eric)

lolterizt! Part 43

Room for more next week.
You know you want to.
Meanwhile, once again, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


eat your gummy bears.jpg
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[reference link]
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From Slowpoke:
No_I_am_Rage_Boy-loltrst.jpg
Two from Frog:
basement terrorist.jpg
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From Raving Lunatic:
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From Xaetognath:
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From acrazymic:
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PRODUCTION NOTES:
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In My World: Distraction

“We have an economic problem,” Barack Obama told a crowd in Pennsylvania, “and the way to handle it is–”
“You’re not wearing any pants!” someone in the crowd yelled out.

“This is why I hate America!”

Obama looked as angry as he was pantsless. “That has nothing to do with the important issues people care about such as the economy and healthcare. It is a distraction to bring that up.”
“But shouldn’t you have pants?” another asked. “I mean, you have the suit jacket and everything up top, but you only have boxers on down below.”
“This is the problem with you people,” Obama said. “You keep getting distracted by non-issues. If you would just think for a minute, you’d realize your whole moral stick up on people needing to wear pants had nothing to do with the real problems affecting you. It’s quite sad; I was just telling my rich friends in San Francisco how I knew something like this would happen.”
“Did you forget to wear pants?” one of the crowd inquired.
Michelle Obama ran onto to stage and pointed an accusing finger at the crowd. “This is why I hate America! THIS IS WHY I HATE AMERICA!!”
“It’s okay dear.” Obama gently ushered her off stage. “I can handle this.” He turned to the crowd once more. “The Republicans want you to be distracted by this. They want you worrying whether people are wearing pants or not instead of whether you have jobs or access to hospitals. If you people were only a little smarter, you could see this.”
“I really think you should be wearing pants,” one person answered.
“I can’t help you people.” He stormed off stage.


President Bush sat in bed with his wife watching the Obama speech. “I don’t get it,” Bush said. “The Democrats have spent eight years complaining about how I’m all stupid or something, so you’d think they’d nominate someone smart.”
“Well, the Democrats aren’t smart, dear.”
Bush thought about that. “Oh yeah. Guess they wouldn’t know what smart actually looks like.”

“Well There’s Your Problem”

Here’s a story on how some researchers are saying it was cheap rivets that caused the ultimate failure of the Titanic. That’s not a new theory, but what I found interesting was this:

Harland & Wolff rejected the researchers’ findings.
“There was nothing wrong with the materials,” company spokesman Joris Minne said.

The company from Northern Ireland that made the Titanic is apparently still around to defend its construction. Sorry, dudes, but I think something was wrong there.
And when people decided to make the world’s largest ship, who decided to contract that out to the Irish? With a bunch of sub-human, drunken potato-eaters putting it together, it’s a miracle it made it far enough from England to strike an iceberg.