A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 19 – Surprise

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Doug did not see the Devil the next couple nights either. He actually had a number of questions now, not least of which was whether they could trust Lara. Still, he figured the Devil probably wouldn’t have given him a straight answer anyway.
After their confrontation, he mainly avoided Lara and she him. He got a bit worried the couple times their schedules put her and Charlene alone together, but he knew Charlene could take care of her self. Doug did get a brief amount of time alone with Charlene when they went to get a couple more arms from a weapons dealer. Charlene got Doug a machine pistol capable of three-round burst (though Charlene told him not use that function). He still kept his sword with him though, having found a long, thin pack he could strap to his back that at least kept the sword somewhat inconspicuous. He knew it was useless compared to the gun, but it still made him feel safer to have it since it was a familiar weapon.
The bug on Handler’s glasses kept working, which made it seem less necessary to keep a stakeout by the research building. They had a decent amount of time to plan for snatching the cube on Thursday, though they hadn’t picked up the exact details how it was going to be moved and where. Still, both Lara and Charlene planned for a number of different scenarios, pretty much all of them involving a certain amount of violence.
“You ever wonder if killing these people to get the cube is wrong?” Doug asked Bryce as walked through the city. It was Wednesday afternoon, and it was their job to pick up lunch for everyone. Doug was out voted on nachos, so they were picking up some Chinese.
“Not really,” Bryce answered. “I guess you can make an argument that killing them without any direct provocation is somewhat wrong… but I’d say that would be thousands of dollars wrong, not millions of dollars wrong. You have to remember the stakes here and weigh it against that.”
“And everyone involved with Elza is like really evil, right?”
Bryce shrugged. “Seems that way… plus I don’t think there is anyone left in this world who doesn’t deserve a bullet in the head for something. Can we talk about something more pleasant? Morality isn’t really my thing; it’s almost a superstition.”
It was about the time for the lunch rush, and the streets were pretty crowded. “Um… I do have something to ask you about. Any advice on how… maybe… um… me and Charlene…”
Bryce sighed. “Why do you even keep trying with her? She’s the most horribly unpleasant person in the world. Plus… I’m pretty sure she’s got the hots for Lara.”
Doug glared at Bryce. “No she doesn’t.”
“You can’t tell me you’ve never suspected she’s a lesbian.”
“You have no proof of that!”
“You have no proof she’s a heterosexual.” Bryce chuckled. “I guess it’s hard to tell a dateless lesbian from a dateless hetero.”
“You’re just upset because she’s never given in to any of your advances.”
Bryce scoffed. “I’ve never even tried with her… at least not in any serious way. Anyway, Doug, if you really want to try and get somewhere with her, you need to surprise her. You are a horribly predictable person, to the point that when you’re trying to be surprising its usually in a predictable way.”
Doug thought for a moment. “I think I have an idea…”
“It’s flowers, isn’t it?” Bryce asked.
Doug nodded.
“See? Predictable. If you want to get anywhere, Doug, you need to be a whole new person.”


Lulu was beginning to severely hate Handler. Lulu had inadvertently positioned herself as the “electronics person,” and thus it was always her job to monitor their equipment. So basically her whole day involved Handler droning on in the background. When Handler was talking about research, it wasn’t so bad, but Handler had an extremely boring personal life and seemed to like telling all her co-workers about it. Lulu was starting to get a fantasy of gunning down Handler while screaming, “No one cares about your cat!”
Luckily, Handler was currently quietly researching which gave Lulu a chance to read while Lara and Charlene were in the next room over plotting their move tomorrow. It was a trashy romance novel that she had pilfered from Lara. It wasn’t quite her cup of tea, but she though she’d give it a try.
“Julia, what are you doing here?”
Lulu dropped the book and shot to attention.
“We have to move it right now.”
“Guys!” Lulu yelled as she pounded on the wall.
“What’s happened?” Handler asked.
Lara and Charlene both barged into the room, each equipped for action. “What is it?” Charlene asked.
“Shhh!” Lulu answered.
“Our group in Sholt were killed,” Julia said.
“All of them?”
“It’s hard to say. They were ripped completely apart. Reportedly it’s just one big mess.”
“Loch?” Handler’s voice was noticeably scared.
“It would seem to be. We can’t tell if anyone talked first, but he might be heading this direction now. We need to get out of here.”
“Where?”
“I don’t even know yet,” Julia said. “A group is waiting outside to escort you to the train station. Just grab the cube and let’s go.”
There was the sound of some fumbling. “Okay. Let’s go.”
“Dammit!” Lara was already heading out the door. “Hopefully we can get to the train station before them.”
Lulu grabbed her gun and followed Charlene. “Otherwise it’s up to Bryce… and Doug.”
NEXT

Executive Experience

It bodes pretty well for John McCain that a group of Democrats were able to give better explanations for reasons to vote for McCain than either of the two Democratic candidates. It’s kinda odd, really. Neither Hillary nor Obama have ever accomplished anything, and their arguments to be president are that they will know exactly how to do everything right though having no examples in their past to back that up. Shouldn’t they have to do something other than vote on some bills before asking to be president? I mean, if one of them was successful store manager of a McDonald’s, then they’d at least have something to point to show he or she can run a country.
So, any McDonald’s out there willing to give either Hillary or Obama a chance?

Keith Olbermann on the Democratic Debate

Keith Olbermann is quite outraged by the debate last night and the hard questions asked Obama. Here’s him explaining exactly what was wrong with it:

Not All of Obama’s Friends Are Lawyers

Hamas, the terrorist organization and sometimes contributor to Obama’s church’s bulletin (not making that up, dude), has endorsed Barack Obama. I’m guessing hearing that Obama associates with unrepentant terrorists made that an easy decision.
Obama really needs to merge his radical side with his elitist liberal side. He should form a New New Black Panthers that fights for black superiority by holding wine-tasting events and independent film fesitvals.
No decently priced arugula, no peace!

Hillary’s First 100 Days

Mrs. C., in an ever-so-premature fit of presumptuousness, saw fit to splutter out a few of the activities that would occupy her first 100 days as President.
A list basically consisting of undoing the too-tiny list of things that President Bush actually did right – like cutting taxes and killing terrorists – recited in that venomous, Emergency Broadcast System test-howl voice of hers.
Since you actually have to get ELECTED to have a “first 100 days”, I think her crystal ball has a few cracks in it
As for me, I look into MY crystal ball and see… well, nothing, actually, since I’m not some filthy scamming gypsy fortune teller like the one who told me to take out a second mortgage and bet it all on the Patriots.
All mysticism aside, here are my predictions regarding what Hillary would do during her first 100 days as President (heaven forbid):


“Hillary’s first 100 days: all spent laughing at the gullible rubes who elected her.”
  • Replace all the H-less White House computer keyboards.
  • Hostess that damn Pampered Chef party that Pelosi guilted her into.
  • Go out hunting, just like her grandfather showed her.
  • Shoot her eye out, just like her grandmother warned her.
  • Bake some cookies for her first press conference. Chocolate chip for Reuters, bitter almond for Fox News.
  • Head off future First Husband scandals by making sure all White House phones have a 24-hour dry cleaner on speed dial.
  • Bring the troops home so as to ensure that America will have another date on the calender that need only be referred to by month and day.
  • Outlaw torture with the exception of those superdelegates who chose… unwisely… at the Democratic convention.
  • Be the victim of a tragic – yet not career-ending – light saber accident on the lava planet Mustafar.
  • See if OJ would be willing to take time off from his hunt for the real killers to help her hunt for the Bosnian snipers.
  • Same thing she does every day, Pinky…

Any predictions from the audience? Anybody?
Ah, yes… you over there, way in the back…

Question

For daring to ask about William Ayers, do you think the nutroots might bomb the ABC headquarters?
Stuff White People Like might have to add an entry about inept bomb-making.

How Dare You Question the Chosen One!

I must have missed a fun debate last night, because the Daily Kos is in total freak out mode. They are now ready to direct all their impotent rage at ABC, and have declare Hillary a Republican.
Then there’s TalkLeft. Apparently its all Hillary supporters, and they are just happy Obama finally got asked some tough questions. It even declares Keith Olbermann “the most shameless ridiculous hack on TV” while people in the comments make fun of the Kos meltdown… just like normal people! Who would ever imagine that support of Hillary would be a sign of sanity? We are through the looking glass, people.
You know, the left has always been a much smaller group than conservatives, so they can’t really weather a fracture as well. It’s going to be some interesting times come the Democrat convention.