Archive of entries posted on 22nd April 2008

Thoughts on Earth Day

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So Harvey said to me, “Today is Earth Day. You should write something about the earth!”

Our mission should be to Love, not War.

To which I responded, “First off, I, like my readers, am not sure you’re actually a physically separate person from me, so it’s perhaps pointless to talk to you. Secondly and more importantly, I’m not quite sure the earth is great.”
Let’s look at things objectively: The only reason people think the earth is so great is that we have no other habitable planets to compare it to. If we didn’t need the environment to survive, we probably wouldn’t spend much time trying to preserve it.
Isn’t celebrating Earth Day pretty much celebrating our slavery to the fickle nature of the environment? Why would we want to celebrate that? Wouldn’t a “Free from Earth Day” be better where we one day celebrate how we used technology to overcome our dependence on the environment?
The planet closest to Earth is Venus. It’s about the same size as Earth and probably very lovely (the sun rises in the west!). Yet, all the plans for our first interplanetary trip involve the much further away and smaller Mars. Why? Because we envision that one day we can make an environment there much like like that of Earth’s. Do you see how this dependence on an environment has limited our thinking?
If we were more optimistic, any time we heard our actions could lead to a natural disaster, we would say, “So what? We’re humans! We’re innovative! We can survive anything!” That’s the attitude that gets things done.
I live on the earth because I have to. I don’t particularly care for it and anyone who says otherwise is only fooling himself.

Obama unleashes his war strategy on the primary

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Be fearful. I guess Princess Obama wasn’t prepared to sustain losses in debates, and since he was faced with actual questions instead of fluffy pillows, satin sheets, and appeasement last week, he’s decided the best strategy for winning the election is to turn tail and run away. I’d hate to see the scurrying if he were to actually break a nail.
Captain Ed:

Even worse, after last Wednesday, it looks like a retreat. Obama got a bloody nose, and suddenly he doesn’t want to appear on national TV, even up against a cupcake like Katie Couric. The strategy may be sound, but only if one has no confidence in Obama’s ability to stand up to tough questioning. In fact, his withdrawal from the debate appears to be an admission of exactly that.

No surprises there. It’s basically the same as his war strategy. When things don’t go our way for a while, let’s give up and leave. I would say that Obama’s political strategy actually leaves us better off (opposite of what his war strategy would do, obviously), but unfortunately, the people voting for Hopey McChangerson just want sunshine-and-rainbows speeches. They don’t care about things like issues, character, patriotism, and balls.
Cross-posted from Mountaineer Musings.

In My World: He Loves His Waffles

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NOTE: This is an IMAO projection of what a Barack Obama presidency could be like.
President Obama was eating his morning waffles. “I sure love waffles,” he said to no one in particular.
His aide rushed into the room. “Sir, Iran has–”
“Why can’t I just eat my waffle?” Obama asked angrily.
“Sir, there is a crisis and–”
“Can you not see the waffle I am eating? You will wait until my waffle is gone to talk to me! I’m the president!”
“Yes, sir.”
Obama took another bite. “I sure love waffles. I guess its the shape I like best. The waffle shape.”
“Maybe you should just eat your waffles instead of talking about them so we can get to business,” the aide suggested.
“Don’t tell me how to eat my waffles!” Obama screamed. “I’m the president!” He then muttered to himself, “Dumb cracker.” He looked back to the waffles. “Mmm… waffles!”

Red on Red

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In a Hillary ad, it talks about all the challenges a president can face and shows clips of various problems. One clip shows Osama bin Laden. Now, this doesn’t faze Republicans who understand reality and have penises, but the Obama camp is actually whining about it. Obama, currently cowering under his desk and wetting himself, sent out his spokesman to blubber, “That’s the politics of fear!”
Bitch, please.
That’s the problem with the Democrats today: They have a shrill faction of them with whom serious issues can’t even be discussed or they throw a conniption fit. Thus the Democrats are splitting with a conflict between those ninnies and the Democrats who actually have higher mental functions and at least a drop of testosterone.
It’s not just the Democrats who are turning against each other; the terrorist are slap-fighting too. Ahmadinejad suggested that the U.S. government did the 9/11 attack, and now Zawahiri is upset saying that Iran is trying to take credit away from the Sunnis in al Qaeda. So, in his latest tape, instead of just denouncing America the whole time, he also spends half his time denouncing Iran.
Do you see what’s happening here, people? Right now Bush is unpopular, but what the history books are going to say is that he served two terms as president after which both the Democrats and the terrorists were in shambles. And there will be a footnote that says, “Karl Rove is a magnificent bastard.”

Pennsylvania Votes

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Today, Pennsylvania, defying all common sense, votes for a Democrat. That’s all there is on the ballot today: Democrats. If you were like, “I don’t want to vote for a Democrat,” then too bad; your only choices are Democrats. It’s like the Twilight Zone.
It sounds like Hillary is supposed to win, but I hear that Obama has sent his supporters to all the polls in the rural areas so they can mock the values of those going in to vote. I’m not sure how well that strategy will work, but he can’t help it.

Fun Facts About the Earth

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Hey! This isn’t lolterizt!
I know, but I felt morally obligated to celebrate Earth Day. You’ll get your fix tomorrow.
Meanwhile, enjoy these:
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE EARTH

The earth is held steady in its orbit by a combination of gravity, inertia, and a well-manicured metrosexual.
  • The earth rotates at approximately 1000 miles per hour. The actual speed depends on the latitude of the observer. Apparent speed depends on how many beers he’s had.
  • Roughly 2,000,000 pounds of space dust enters the atmosphere from space every year and reaches the planet’s surface. Some scientists claim that they bring space microbes that cause the flu. Others say that they’re just very tiny space-Mexicans heeding the call of their border-crossing nature.
  • Rainforests once covered 14% of the earth’s land surface, now they only cover 2%, thus greatly reducing the number of places from which velociraptors can lurk and pounce.
  • 80% of all life on earth is found under the ocean surface. Of that total, 63% can be made tasty with lemon and butter.
  • In the last 500 years, approximately 300,000 people have been killed by volcanoes, which is approximately 300,000 more than have been killed by global warming, if you don’t count the people who have been bored to death listening to Al Gore preach on the topic.
  • The earth is 93 million miles from the sun, and it takes the sun’s energy over 8 minutes to arrive on our planet’s surface. The sun is also home to the server which hosts the IMAO home page.
  • Earth is home to over 10,000 religions, all but one of which are wrong.
  • Due to the Earth’s rotation, the planet is not completely spherical, but more of a pumpkin shape. Sorta like Ted Kennedy’s head, except without the persistent odor of gin.
  • If all the ice in Antarctica were to melt, it would cause sea level to rise by 200 feet. It’s also currently the only plausible theoretical way to make hippies bathe.
  • The total number of animal species currently known is 1.5 million. Although some environmentalists estimate that half of these could be threatened with extinction, history has shown only the ones that don’t taste like beef or chicken need to worry.
  • The earth has either one large moon or millions of tiny ones, depending on whether Frank finally got off his lazy ass this morning.
  • The second hottest place on earth is Death Valley, which got up to 134 Fahrenheit on July 10, 1913. The hottest place on earth is anywhere a Marine points to while calling for air support.
  • Lightning hits somewhere on earth 100 times every second, about the rate at which a typical Conservative shudders while contemplating voting for John McCain in November.
  • Although most people are concerned about oxygen, the earth’s atmosphere is actually about 80% nitrogen. This element is useful for providing nutrients to plant root systems and stopping futuristic cyborg attacks – temporarily.
  • The largest ocean on earth is the Pacific, which was named after the pacifists who were killed and tossed into it by pirates and other non-pansies.
  • Over 99.9% of the earth experienced a slight, but measurable, decrease it its average temperature over the last decade. The other .1% received Federal grant money.

What do YOU know about the earth?

I Believe Her

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When asked about Iran, Hillary says she will “obliterate them.” I’m kinda starting to like Hillary… which actually makes it scary were she to make it to the general election. Luckily for McCain, it’s becoming a bit late for buyer remorse on Obama.