Do you think Jeremiah Wright hates America? Before you answer too quickly, think about it. Now, what he says makes it sound like he hates America, but what about his actions? The way he’s going around right now spouting crazy stuff makes it seem like he’s dead set on sinking the Obama candidacy, and is there a better way than that to show your love of America?
Archive of entries posted on 28th April 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 23 – Life Sucks
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Lulu never actually expected to be rich. It was just a fun fantasy to hold onto until things blew up in their face and they moved on to the next ultimately doomed scheme. She’d figured that what her life would be until their luck completely ran out. It wasn’t much of a life, but it seemed to her to be a million times better than to try and conform to the insane world they lived in.
Bryce had been quiet on the gratuitously flying train trip back to Avaro as he was quickly spreading the money into multiple accounts before some imagined other would try and steal it. Lulu spent her time trying to get in contact with Charlene or Doug. When that didn’t work, she even tried to get in contact with Lara but was sent directly to her voice mail.
“I wish Lara wasn’t rich too,” she told Bryce as they exited the train.
Bryce didn’t even acknowledge her as he was still busy securing their finances on his handheld computer.
Lulu quickly headed out to the train station lobby and looked around. There she spotted Charlene staring back at her, her eyes red like she’d been crying. Don’t jump to conclusion, Lulu told herself. Maybe she’s sad because she saw Lara gruesomely decapitated. Maybe she even has video of it!
Bryce was the first to speak. “Where’s Doug?”
Charlene looked defeated. “They took him.”
“Who? Why?” Lulu asked.
“Darius. It was insane. Elza’s people somehow ambushed us on the train and just started killing everyone. Lara and I just tried to protect ourselves until the train made its emergency landing, but Doug went charging off to help everyone else. Then the train ripped in two and I thought for sure he was dead. But apparently Darius had been following us — I think Lara had been informing him this whole time — and he found Doug safe on the ground with the cube. They took him along with it. They think he knows something about it — I guess that’s what Lara told them. Darius said he’d pay us extra for the ‘inconvenience.’ He then dropped me off here to wait for you.” She was quiet for a moment. “There was nothing I could do.”
Bryce laughed. “Five hundred thousand extra for Doug? What a bunch of idiots. It shouldn’t take them more than a few minutes to realize he knows nothing, and then they’ll dump him back out on the street. They’ll probably want that money back, but they’re not getting it.”
“They’re taking him to Ronove!” Charlene shouted.
Ronove was a Transcendent allied with Asmod who seemed to have little concern with the warring over territory and people. He instead stayed secluded in his lab from which many stories emerged though Asmod’s government never gave any official acknowledgement of what happened there. “If they’re going to dissect Doug’s brain,” Lulu said, “that’s a huge waste for a number of reasons.”
“Don’t be silly,” Bryce said. “No one knows what goes on at that lab. I guarantee you every rumor we’ve heard about it is completely made up.”
Charlene looked quite worried. “You ever hear of anyone being involved with an experiment there and being seen again?”
Bryce scoffed. “This is just stupid speculation and…” He stopped, apparently not knowing where he was going with that thought. His expression turned serious. “I guess I might as well be the asshole and point out that it’s pretty trivial to figure out how to split three million three ways.”
Charlene punched Bryce in the face.
“Super.” Bryce clutched the bruise on his cheek. “Did you get that out of your system? Now let’s look at reality: There is nothing we can do. Were we somehow able to get anywhere near that lab, you can’t sneak past a Transcendent. You can’t fool someone who can read minds — who doesn’t even exist by our rules. The only thing we can do is hope he decides Doug isn’t worth his precious time. Are you going to argue with that?”
Charlene looked like she was tearing up. “So we go on like nothing happened?”
“That’s all we can do!” Bryce shouted. He quickly regained his composure. “Let’s get out of this city… but let’s not take the train. We’ll get some nice hotel rooms somewhere, sort out the finances, and then soon we won’t have to see each other anymore because we’ll be able to afford friends we can stand.”
Lulu felt she should say something. “I think we should hunt down and kill Lara in honor of Doug.”
Bryce sighed. “We’re too rich for that crap, Tri-Lu.”
She started to walk off with Bryce but noticed Charlene wasn’t following. “You’re both cowards.”
Lulu didn’t mind being called a coward; she knew she was cute and thus didn’t care what people thought about her bravery. Bryce was another matter.
He marched right up to Charlene and stood over her. Bryce wasn’t a very big man, but Charlene was a particularly small woman. “Doug adored you, and you were nothing but a bitch to him. Don’t act like you care more just because of your guilt.”
“I thought ‘Hellbender’ was about us sticking up for each other!”
They looked ready to trade blows, so Lulu took a deep breath and slowly pulled Bryce away as she stepped in between the two. “It was a game, Charlene. Now its over.”
Charlene started crying, and Lulu couldn’t help but cry too as they hugged her. Bryce just stood by silently. They were rich now, but she still felt powerless. Lulu just wished there was something in life that didn’t suck.
Charlene eventually got a hold of herself and Lulu dried her tears as well. “So do you think some powerful entity was really talking to Doug?” Lulu asked. “Because it’s really mean to drag someone like him into an interdimensional conflict. Doug can’t even figure out the map at the mall. I can’t think of any reason someone would involve him in something this big except to be mindlessly cruel.”
Bryce shrugged. “I guess you can’t be so insignificant that one day the universe won’t decide to reach out and crush you.”
NEXT
Point of Order
I’ve gotten some criticism for referring to apes as monkeys — but shut up, they’re frick’n monkeys too. Don’t tell me, “Well, scientifically, ‘monkey’ only refers to the subset of simian primates that includes New World monkeys and Old World monkeys. And, yes, I’ve never been touched by a woman.” When I say monkeys, I, like many people, include apes which are just monkeys without tails. They’re all dangerous, and I hate them all.
Shut up, you monkey apologists.
Idle Hands
I think I know what’s up with Jeremiah Wright: He’s not a very good preacher.
Yeah, I know; shocking conclusion. But if you listen to his sermons, basically he’s just randomly throwing stuff out there without even thinking about it probably because he has time to fill. He’ll write a sermon about sharing, find three supporting quotes in the Bible, then get through all of that and realize he’s only been talking for three minutes. So he’ll suddenly shout, “AMERICA is just… like Al AQAEDA, but under a different… color… FLAAAG! Because of… STUFF… and THINGS!”
Then later he’ll try to justify what he said, but he probably can’t even remember what it was. All the controversial stuff is just mindless padding. Like he had one sermon where he said, “The military… does not make WAR for… PEACE! That’s like RAPING… for VIRGINITY!” It’s something that could sound profound if you don’t spend a moment’s thought about it. I’d like to ask him, “Well, most people know how you make war for peace — we fought WWII and subsequently got peace — but could you please explain to me how you rape for virginity?”
He’d probably just respond, “Shut up, cracker!” which, admittedly, is a pretty good response.
Now Wright just spoke at the NAACP saying that black and whites have genetically different brains. He based this scientific conclusion on the fact that he lost the note cards for his speech and this was the first thing that popped into his head when he started talking. So now Wright is sounding like a white racist from a hundred years ago, and you really have to wonder why Obama sought this guy out to be his surrogate father. Maybe Obama just had nothing to do one day and said to himself, “Know what would be neat? A wacky racist preacher to be my spiritual mentor!”
That’s trouble. See, when I get bored, I play videogames. I pay sixty bucks a year to subscribe to Gametap where there’s like hundreds of games to choose from. Because of that, I never once felt the urge to seek out a racist preacher. Gametap should use that as a slogan: “With over a thousand games to choose from, there’s no need for a racist surrogate father!”
California Wildfire Running on Platform of Change
SIERRA MADRE, Calif. (AP) – Despite threatening to destroy hundreds of homes in Southern California, the wildfire burning northeast of Los Angeles today assured voters that it was merely delivering on its promise of change.
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“Even though I’m being attacked by tanker planes as part of the Vast Wet-Wing Conspiracy,” said the conflagration, “I’d like to assure Americans that my only goal here is change. In Bush’s America, millionaires in mansions roll around naked on piles of money from the Bush tax cuts. This causes bitterness among working people, forcing them to cling to water, firefighting equipment, and antipathy towards those with combustion rates different from their own.”
Although some accused the blaze of stealing Obama’s theme of “change”, the voracious flames were quick to disagree. “The big difference between Obama and I is that he goes to these lavish California homes to raise millions, while I plan to raze millions of lavish California homes.”
“And unlike Obama,” continued the wildfire, “I’m not playing the race card here. Black, white, man, woman, gay, straight… it doesn’t matter, because deep inside we’re all Americans who will be charred into the smoking ash of equality as my plan for change sweeps across the state, and hopefully, the nation.”
Republican Presidential candidate John McCain said that, although he opposed the fire’s plan for a hellish nationwide inferno, he did support a scaled-down version, where people would be able to choose their own level of immolation.
We Don’t Mind if McCain Has a Temper as Long as It’s Directed at the Right People
So apparently another issue that McCain and Obama disagree on is whether Jeremiah Wright is a legitimate issue. McCain says it isn’t, Obama says it is. Will McCain now denounce Obama as voraciously at the North Carolina Republicans?
“I want this to be a clean campaign about real issues like the war, but Obama wants to focus on the amoral scumbags he hangs out with. I hate him as nearly as much as I hate conservatives!”