I’ve been gone and I’m sure I’ve been missed terribly. So I’m here to answer all the questions that will help enrich your life and make you a better person. Or at least, make you three minutes older.
Question: Who are you?
Answer: Hey, it’s not time for the questions yet! You have to post them in comments and I’ll answer in a separate post.
Question: Where have you been?
Answer: Dodging sniper! Wait for me to finish my intro to answer questions, please!
Question: Who are you again?
Answer: Sigh.
Disclaimers: Dr. Duck is a real doctor whose experience is irrevelant because it would be a “distraction” from the real issues. Dr. Duck never attended school and most people didn’t want him to be a doctor, but he was selected by a bunch of superdoctors who were able to override the will of the people. The people obviously being too poor, stupid or Democratic to make their own choices. Dr. Duck cares and if my answers somehow ruin your lives, then I will have to place the blame squarely where it belongs – on the Bush administration.
So what’s on your mind?
Love? Relationships? Politics?
The Doctor is back!
Dear Dr. Duck,
What the hell?
So we ask questions? What do you think of Khalid Sheik Mohamed complaining today that the court room sketch artist drew his nose wrong, and that he wanted his picture to look more like the one that was released after his capture?
Dr. Duck? Hmm…doesn’t sound familiar. Are you sure you aren’t just another one of Frank/Harvey’s alter egos?
#1 – Posted by: PaleoMedic on June 5, 2008 03:42 PM
Yeah, that.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Will my question help your children?
I have a three part question:
Do you think Obama will chose Hillary as his Vice president and if so, how far into his presidency before she kills him, and lastly, are you really going to answer the questions this time or leave us hanging again??????
I am sorry but it’s too hot for roast duck right now!!! Come back at Christmas time!!!
Dear Dr. Duck:
If I plucked off all of your feathers would I be able to make a full size down comforter or should I aim for a twin size? Please answer soon, since I have not been sleeping very well.
Dear Dr. Duck,
So, who are you, and why did you keep evading that question in the post? Does that mean you’re some sort of Democrat?
Didn’t you get shot in the face by Dick Cheney or something?
Now that you’re back, is there any way to get Spacemonkey and Cadet Happy to do something to make us laugh for free?
You claim that you are “a real doctor” – but are you a real duck?
Dr. Duck
Sweet or Sour or Sweet and Sour sauce?
Since you’re both a Doctor and a Duck, can you confirm that schistosomiasis is associated with your kind?
Dr. Duck:
Several years ago I lost a favorite watch. What happened to it?
Dr. Duck,
My older brother keeps throwing things at me and hitting me in the forhead with stuff. When I asked why, he told me to ask you what I should do. Well, what shuld I do …. ouch …. he did it again …..
Two Questions:
1) I’m currently in a relationship with a girl who lives in a different country. Do you have any advice on how to make this long-distance relationship work?
2) Does your humor derive from the fact that you’re a duck or a doctor? Or is it some combination of the two?
Dr. Duck is BARACK?
If I did something, would you react in the usual way?
I know where Ducky’s been: campaigning for Hillary!
Ron Paul?
Dr. Duck,
I’m planning on majoring in History. What can I do with a History degree (BS and probably also a grad. degree or two) that doesn’t require teaching at a university or elsewhere?
Why is Belgium so far away? How long is forever? Are you a duck doctor or a people doctor? If you were a duck psychiatrist, would you be Skinnerian or Freudian? It would be pretty wierd if you were a Freudian duck psychiatrist, since all the moms look alike and the usual “childhood trauma” for a duck baby is getting eaten, which obviates the need for psychoanalysis. Have you ever gotten it on with the AFLAK duck?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Question: Is there actually a “BS in History” that #21 refers to?
Oh, an answer already!
Dr. Duck: No BS. BA. (Bad Ass).
As your number one fan, welcome back Dr. Ducky. If it weren’t for your long running Daily Jalapeno running gag, I would be a ranting lunatic by now. So Harvey takes a week off and you show up, what was that Intervention like? And what must it be like to know when you’re on the sauce your latest partner will want more an hour later?
Dear Dr Ducky:
There are many supposedly intelligent people who are willingly supporting Barack O’bama for President. I want to know whether this is a form of mental illness or is it because he is Irish?
Welcome back, Right Wing Duck! It will be refreshing to read your stuff again.
What do you think of Harvey’s project of getting that T-shirt he’s after?
What do you personally think of Barry Obama’s days spent in ‘Islamic studies’ from the ages of 6-10 in Indonesia?
What type of duck sauce do you use?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Who taught you to type the English language?
#23 – Posted by: Jimmy on June 5, 2008 07:13 PM
Yes. It’s very rare, and I’m fairly sure there’s not another person in America (or at the very least my college) working towards one, but it does exist. See: BA curriculum, BS curriculum.
I may be majoring in History, but I’m not an idiot.
If I do not vote for Barack Obama, am I a racist?
Dear Dr. Duck:
why does it hurt when I pee?
I am out of beer, and am weary of my current margarita mix, what do you recommend for a buzz that will last a while, yet not impair any mating rituals that may occur?
Dr. Duck,
Are all ducks homosexuals or are you an exception?
Ducky – Is hunting over a water station in Arizona considered baiting?
DUCKY!!!!!!!! welcome back, my feathery friend!
my question is: Uhm.. oh hell, I’m just happy you’re back.
Dr. Duck.
Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Dr Duck:
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
How can a Thermos keep stuff hot AND cold? How does it know?
Dr. Duck:
When is my daddy coming home from the store? It’s been 8 months.
Welcome back Ducky. You were missed.
I got a scope for my duck gun so I probably won’t miss you next time.
Now my question,
Will FrankJ finish Hellbender or will his failure to do so cause an Internet riot where we burn down his blog?
And another question.
Speaking of going missing, did FrankJ jettison Laurence Simon to mollify the Palestinians?
Dear Dr. Duck,
I’ve heard through the rumor mill that the US Government secretly devised the virus that causes “restless leg syndrome”, and unleashed it into urban areas, in order to ensure that dark-skinned people’s legs are never well-rested.
With that in mind – are my girlfriends cheating on me?
are my girlfriends cheating on me?
johngaltsbrotherjimmy, I am so stealing that.
Who is johngaltsbrotherjimmy?
Are you a doctor just like ron paul?
(ron paul, ron paul, ron paul)
Dr Duck,
I hear your sister is “big boned”…when she finishes making love she rolls over and smokes a ham…is this true?
will you be able to answer all these questions?
Dear Dr. Duck,
I recently switched to diet soda. Since then, I’ve felt irrational urges to beat various idiots senseless. Is that normal?
Welcome back your royal downeyness. I am very glad you have returned.
My Question: What do you get when you cross Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton. A candidate that sticks to the roof of your mouth or an elephant that never forgets.
Yeah it’s not good but then I’m not as awesome as you.
Welcome back Dr. Duck!
Welcome back Ducky! I like saying that. I think I will say it again. Welcome back Ducky! (It makes me feel like I am on a episode of NCIS! Not really. I really am glad you’re back!
Dear Doktor Duck,
I found a really nice Men’s watch in my refrigerator, behind the chocolate milk last week.
Do you know who it belongs to?
Dr. Duck, I have it on good authority that you are in fact a hobbit, not a duck. Confirm or deny?