You asked question, Dr. Duck has answers.
That’s the kind of sweet, caring gentle soul that I am.
People always ask me, “Dr. Duck, what is your greatest weakness?” To which I answer, “I care too much” Strange but true.
So it is with great caring that I take the time to pick and choose the questions that truly matter and take time to give them the consideration they deserve.
Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers.
Dear Dr. Duck,
What the hell?
#1 – Posted by: PaleoMedic
Dear PaleoMedic,
Shut your !@#$ piehole. I’m BACK, get over it
Next question?
So we ask questions? What do you think of Khalid Sheik Mohamed complaining today that the court room sketch artist drew his nose wrong, and that he wanted his picture to look more like the one that was released after his capture?
#2 – Posted by: Marvin
Dear Marvin,
I understand. If they draw the nose wrong people might think he’s Jewish. Because when you’re accused of masterminding an event that killed over 3,000 innocent Americans, the last thing you want is for people to think you’re a Jew.
Dr. Duck? Hmm…doesn’t sound familiar. Are you sure you aren’t just another one of Frank/Harvey’s alter egos?
#3 – Posted by: Andrew
They/We/ I resent that remark.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Will my question help your children?
#5 – Posted by: Master Shake
No, in fact IMAO has a special program where we resell unused bandwidth and donate the money to poor starving orphans and puppies. By asking a question, you used up that valuable extra bandwidth and thus contributed to even more death and starvation. What is WRONG WITH YOU! You think you can just ramble on and on and not have an impact on the world around you? That is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very wrong.

I have a three part question:
Do you think Obama will chose Hillary as his Vice president and if so, how far into his presidency before she kills him, and lastly, are you really going to answer the questions this time or leave us hanging again??????
#6 – Posted by: on June 5, 2008 03:59 PM
Dear Blank:
Let me fill you in on this.
The good news. Hillary would find him a corporate sponsor. The Bad news: The sponsor would be Target. If she was his VP I’m sure he’d make it through the first dance before he had an accident, which she would then blame on the Republican attack machine.
Didn’t you get shot in the face by Dick Cheney or something?
Now that you’re back, is there any way to get Spacemonkey and Cadet Happy to do something to make us laugh for free?
#10 – Posted by: cptnmoroni
Dear Cpt,
Technically speaking the safest place to be when Cheney is hunting is right up in the air flapping your wings.
Spacemonkey and Cadet are their own people/figments of Frank’s imagination. They can post when they want.

You claim that you are “a real doctor” – but are you a real duck?
#11 – Posted by: DamnCat
I’ll show you my birth certificate when Obama shows me his.
Dr. Duck
Sweet or Sour or Sweet and Sour sauce?
#12 – Posted by: ussjimmycarter
Sorry, my liver was getting al ittle Foie-Grasy. I had to lay off the sauce.
Since you’re both a Doctor and a Duck, can you confirm that schistosomiasis is associated with your kind?
#13 – Posted by: Jimmy on June 5, 2008 04:50 PM
Jimmy,
For all of my years, I’ve always had people telling me I’m full of Schist.
Are they right? Science says yes.
Screw science.
Dr. Duck:
Several years ago I lost a favorite watch. What happened to it?
#14 – Posted by: keith
Hi Keith,
Well, your watch came to therapy. It was tough going at first, but eventually it learned to let go and found another hand.
Dr. Duck,
My older brother keeps throwing things at me and hitting me in the forhead with stuff. When I asked why, he told me to ask you what I should do. Well, what shuld I do …. ouch …. he did it again …..
#15 – Posted by: Wild Bill Kelsoe
Hey Bill
Let. Me. Answer. This. Question. Very. Slowly.
And. Later.
Next. Week.
Maybe.
Two Questions:
1) I’m currently in a relationship with a girl who lives in a different country. Do you have any advice on how to make this long-distance relationship work?
2) Does your humor derive from the fact that you’re a duck or a doctor? Or is it some combination of the two?
#16 – Posted by: brandEn
You didn’t mention where she lives. Or, for that matter, where you live. Since you’re using a computer, I’ll assume you are somewhere with electricity like the United States. You should have no problem as long as she’s living in a country with no men — like France. If she’s in another country — Well, as I told one client, “Eventually you’ll move on and find another hand.”
My humor is not derived from my doctorhood or my duckhood. It comes from the good people at Amazon. (when the !@#$ is that site going to be back up. I’m running out of mojo!)
If I did something, would you react in the usual way?
#18 – Posted by: Elliott
(Ducky sits there picking at the lint in his belly button. He scratches himself oblivious to the needs of his current patient)
Next question please?
Dr. Duck,
I’m planning on majoring in History. What can I do with a History degree (BS and probably also a grad. degree or two) that doesn’t require teaching at a university or elsewhere?
#21 – Posted by: Lezah Anagram
Hi Lezah,
Contrary to what people say, history majors are not useless. Quite the contrary, one college had an excellent commercial for their history program touting, “Please don’t squeeze the History Degree.” Many colleges not only offer history degrees, the degrees are also printed on soft, smooth 2-ply paper.
Personally, the big money isn’t in knowing the past; it’s in knowing the future. You should consider majoring in Future. Future is hard, so it’s best to start with Future that has already recently happened and then work forward (backwards?) from there.
Dear Dr Ducky:
There are many supposedly intelligent people who are willingly supporting Barack O’bama for President. I want to know whether this is a form of mental illness or is it because he is Irish?
#25 – Posted by: Brian The Adequate on June 5, 2008 09:48 PM
Hey, back off buddy! Barack has my full support. With Obama as POTUS we’ll all be able to have lots of jobs, get free healthcare and lose 10 pounds. You need to believe in hope and the blah blah blah blah.
Goodness people. Seriously. Aren’t we taking this affirmative action thing a bit too far? The Democrats should have nominated a woman.
Too bad none were running.

Dear Dr. Duck,
Who taught you to type the English language?
#27 – Posted by: TerribleTroy
Skjdsd sdosksdj f=swke
A dkdj f
F adf f fiowo[wod[d
Why?

If I do not vote for Barack Obama, am I a racist?
#29 – Posted by: Damian G.
You, yes.
Me, no.
Dr. Duck.
Have you ever killed the wrong person?
#35 – Posted by: spacemonkey
Yes, but I immediately apologized.
Welcome back Ducky. You were missed.
I got a scope for my duck gun so I probably won’t miss you next time.
Now my question,
Will FrankJ finish Hellbender or will his failure to do so cause an Internet riot where we burn down his blog?
#38 – Posted by: Veeshir
I haven’t been at IMAO in a while but… didn’t Frank ALREADY finish Hellbender. Jeesh, what’s next, are you awaiting the ending for Star Wars episode IV?
Here’s how it ends. He has to fight the dragon, so he tries to jinx the eyeball. That doesn’t work so he gets on his broom and swoops around getting the dragon angrier and angrier until finally the dragon chases after (INSERT MAIN CHARACTER HERE) whom we’ve all grown to know and love and then (INSERT MAIN CHARACTER HERE) gets the golden egg which gives him the next riddle.
Sorry, I should have issued a spoiler alert.
Dear Dr. Duck,
I recently switched to diet soda. Since then, I’ve felt irrational urges to beat various idiots senseless. Is that normal?
#46 – Posted by: smitty385
You feel the urge to beat various idiots?
If you were drinking real soda then you’d have the urge to beat ALL idiots. What happened to conservatives? We used to open up a can of Whoopass, now we worry about whether or not we can recycle the can! I quote the American Dental Association when I say: “Drink sugar! it’s strong and manly.”
**
There.
I have finished with my obligation to either make you 3 minutes older or 3 minutes wiser. Remember, this advice is free, so use it and get your full money’s worth!!