So, with no horse in this election, what are conservatives to do? We watch. We listen. We learn. We plot our revenge.
Yes, we stick to the background, preparing for our inevitable return. Our enemies will grow complacent, thinking they’ve defeated us, but when they least expect it, we’ll strike, unleashing destruction on them like a tax-cutting Cloverfield, smashing through government programs with an insane glee. The streets will run red with the blood of liberals, they’re fascist frivolities torn apart. They will beg for mercy, but they might as well beg for unicorns because mercy does not exist.
It will be beautiful.
Our first target will be take over the Republican Party. Instead of the corpulent slob it is now, we want a lean beast ready for violence. No more open tent; instead, it will be like one of those tents Navy SEALs make where you could be standing two feet in front of it and not see it. And it’s filled with people ready to kill. That’s the Republican Party I remember. Perhaps we can even get them to the point they’re more like an urban legend.
“Ever hear of the Republican Party? They say they come in the middle of the night to eat babies and cut taxes. I heard something the other night, and when I went outside to check on it, I found a flag pin on the ground. I’m so scared!”
Fear will be our tool. Anytime politicians our about to pass some law, we want them to think to themselves, “What will the conservatives think of this? What will they do? I can’t possibly protect myself from them! They could be anywhere!” Even when not in power, we will be ever present. Then, when the time is right, we will take power again with such force as to destroy all opposition. The country will be back in the hands of its rightful owners, and soon the rest of the world will fall to our might.
We will not be stopped this time.
Er… Conservatives are out of power, pretty much everywhere, and, in a lot of places, totally undercover. Around these parts, some are so far in the closet they’ve found the Christmas presents.
Taking back the GOP might be a great first step, but every time it’s tried, it’s like their shoes are tied together.
We’re forming an elite commando group?
Can I be Charles Bronson?
“They say they come in the middle of the night to eat babies and cut taxes.”
Oh yeah? Conservatives are going to:
* Slam the borders shut.
* Abolish the social security and medicare sink holes.
* Eliminate the Department of Education.
* Drill for oil and build nuclear plants.
* Uphold the Constitution.
* Enforce the law.
* Insist that people be responsible for themselves.
After that, we’ll get really serious.
Now this is a Republican party I can get on-board with! Sign me up!
2) We need a plan. We need an operative in every echelon of society. From Scientology to your child’s kindergarten class. I’m already doing my part going from bar to seedy bar infiltrating the underclass. When it’s our time to strike, I’ll make sure the movement has a million strong intoxicated patriots to do our unholy bidding.
#2 I call Donald Sutherland. Oh wait he dies.
“The streets will run red with the blood of liberals, they’re fascist frivolities torn apart.”
This is the only part I disagree with. Obviously, liberals don’t have a spine, let alone any marrow containing bones in their bodies, except their exceptionally thick, solid skulls. Marrow produces red blood, for those who don’t know (liberals). This lack of red blood also helps to explain the lack of brain function in liberals due do deprivation of oxygen and nutrients.
I have always considered most liberals to be plants anyway, so I think their blood would be green.
Man 1: Hey – did you hear? The conservatives struck again last night. What a reign of terror!
Man 2: I saw in the only newspaper left standing that they have killed over 500,000 government jobs in the past 6 months!
Man 3: What a slaughter! And now, English is the only language we can speak. Anyone caught speaking French or Spanish is clubbed to death with the limbs of an environmentalist. It’s dangerous to even ask for some coffees at starbucks since they have the word, “grande” in it.
Man 1: The conservatives are ruining this country. Any schoolchild who refuses to say the Pledge of Allegience is thrown into the vat of industrial waste on the playground and their bleached bones are ground to make bread. Can we liberals not stand up to these Nazis?
Man 3: It is not possible since all conservatives now carry Thompson Submachine Guns and blast Country Music 24/7 out of the windows of their pickup trucks. Those who don’t convert to Conservative Christianity are thrown off of the cliff at Big Sur, California and they get eaten by sharks.
Man 2: The conservatives have been using the guts of liberals to grease the treads of their tank-like Hummers. They drill for oil in the heads of baby harp seals and kneecaps of polar bear cubs. In order to attend college, all applicants must serve 2 years in the Conservative Army of Amerikkka and they must show proof that they have killed a terrorist with their bare hands. If only our savior the Obamessiah had not been such a pantywaist, we would have had hopey-change. Or, we could have nominated Clinton and she would have eaten the conservative’s souls!
#7
I can’t think of any country music that would strike fear in the black hearts of liberals. Unless it was “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” By the Man In Black. That or “Five O clock Some Where” By Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett, That song freeks me out.
Step number 1: find a serious candidate for president in 2012, and start pushing that person no matter who wins this November.
The Republican primary of 2012 starts now!
Fear will be our tool
Fear and surprise!
Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency!
Step one, make a pencil “disappear” with the help of a volunteer and his eye socket.
And nice red uniforms!
I rule the midnight air, The Destroyer!
I like it. No more lovable little fuzzballs, just pure naked fear that some conservative is going to rise like a pack of hungry US Navy Seals from the swamp and behead taxes and terrorist appeasing liberals in one quick stroke.
I picture Noam Chomsky’s head over Rush Limbaugh’s fire place while Rush lights a big fat stogie. I can dream, can I?
OOH-RAH
I like this idea
Fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and mad ninja skillz.
Sign me up! I can work on spreading the word amongst college students… with my various weaponry and awesome ninja abilities. I’ll even learn Gun Kata for the job!
The funnest part will be when the libs start trying to appease us.
Errrr, I thought the dems ate the babies?
Can’t we just eat cows? And Chillean Sea Bass?
Since the borders will be shut, our kids can mow the neighbor’s lawns, babysit, and pick veggies in the summers thereby earning enough money to pay for college!
We eat sacred cows.
…and an almost fanatical devotion to Ronald Reagan!
We’ll need a slogan! How about:
“Yes, we can!”
No, wait, that’s taken.
Maybe: Dreams DO come true.
Fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, mad ninja skillz, a cool slogan, American beer, and pizza with toppings spread out like the flag and sauce made of the blood of liberals.
Lord, this kid of talk excites me like a pin up of Ann Coulter waring nothin’ but boots and a shoulder holster!
I have only two words – belt feed!
‘Our first target will be take over Republican Party.’
Wait! That may be exactly what they’d expect us to do!
Why not take over the Democratic Party instead?
Let the libtards be the ones without a party for a change!
Rushs’ Operation Chaos has gotten thousands of Conservatives to register as Democrats already, let’s use that!
Democratic candidates all over the country know they can’t be elected unless they campaign as Conservatives; use your mad ninja skillz to convince them that they better d*mn well Legislate as Conservatives once they stagger into DC.
The Muddled in the Middle Republicans won’t know what hit them when their abused and neglected base walks out from under them!
THEN let the reign of terror begin!
2, 4, 6, 8!
Tiptoe, sneak and infiltrate!
Oh Hellbender, what the hellbending hellbend is this even about.
(subliminal messaging, another tool of the shadow forces of conservatism.)
BLC – Where can this pinup be found?
There already is a secret tent. If you’re nice enough to me I’ll invite you all.
Any hot chicks here?
BigRichardSmall –
#2 I call Donald Sutherland. Oh wait he dies.
Donald Sutherland? He’s not even American. He’s Canadian.
I can’t think of any country music that would strike fear in the black hearts of liberals. Unless it was “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” By the Man In Black. That or “Five O clock Some Where” By Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett
Not “Proud to Be an American” by Lee Greenwood? Not “Fightin’ Side of Me” by Merle Haggard? Not “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” by Toby Keith? There are dozens more; those are just a start.
BigRichardSmall –
#2 I call Donald Sutherland. Oh wait he dies.
Donald Sutherland? He’s not even American. He’s Canadian.
I can’t think of any country music that would strike fear in the black hearts of liberals. Unless it was “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” By the Man In Black. That or “Five O clock Some Where” By Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett
Not “Proud to Be an American” by Lee Greenwood? Not “Fightin’ Side of Me” by Merle Haggard? Not “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” by Toby Keith? There are dozens more; those are just a start.
Re: #31
How about “The South’s Gonna Do it Again” by Charlie Daniels? Though the reasons for revolution have changed, it’s still mostly the south that’s pissed off at the rest of the country…
Forget the republican party. Conservatives should start fresh with a new brand. Just don’t come running to the Libertarian party with any big government ideas. Compared to us, the Republican party is a big government party.
Of course, I still say the whole system needs to be burned to the ground and rebuilt from the ground up. There are too many vermin. They have taken over the place.
#32 –
Yeah, I’d go for that, although I have decidedly mixed feelings about the south, having lived in the Atlanta area for about a year and a half in the late 1990s, during which time I encountered the only actual white racist (my next-door neighbor) whom I’ve encountered in the past forty years.
I think that “I’m Still a Guy” by Brad Paisley would also scare lefties.
I am beginning my campaign for the 2024 nomination now.
Hey, I’m new here, but I do know where the tent is. I’ll set you up with the location, for a capitalistic finders fee; but I also call Jim Brown.
I get to be Elliott Gould!
We’re talking about MAS*H, right?
You know if we keep throwing each other under the bus there won’t be anyone around to run in 2012. I look at our current crop of political piglets and am amazed that conservatives voted for any of them.
We NEED to take back the Senate and House. That’s where the real power is. I’d like the presidency but it’s mostly a neutered position now. Oh since I’m making out my Christmas list I’d also like conservative politicians to have standards, be honest, upright and patriotic. To paraphrase Thomas the Tank Engine- responsible, reliable and really useful.
But even more I would like them to DO what they promise. DO, DO, DO AND MORE DO. As opposed to DOO DOO, which is pretty much what we have now.
Jim,
Well I’m not high enough on the IMAO Totem pole to be Lee Marvin or Ernest Borgnine. Donald Sutherland was my last choice. He dies , but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for the sake of the conservative movement.
Cutting down government waste and staling babies to “The Angry American” Just doesn’t fit. And not in a cool psycho “Reservoir Dogs” way, more like a Tim Burton Batman sequel way. What I fore see is like the end of “Godfather”.