Archive of entries posted on 7th August 2008

In My World: Pocket

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“On today’s agenda,” Dick Cheney announced at the meeting of Big Oil, “Evil!”
“We should raise prices again!” Skeletor suggested.
“Excellent!” Cheney said. “Anymore ideas for evil?”
“We should propose drilling in more national parks,” Black Manta stated. “How about Disney World?”
“Great idea,” Cheney said. “But there is still the problem of Barack Obama. Let’s face it: We’re no match for his hope and change.”
“I can handle him,” Lex Luthor remarked. He held up a strange looking device. “This is my new shrink ray I’ve perfected. With it we can shrink Barack Obama down to miniature size.”
Cheney touch his fingertips together and smiled with glee. “And then we can place him in our pocket!”
“Robble robble robble!” the Hamburglar agreed.
“Muh ha ha ha!”

Obama played with toy trucks in a sandbox. “I’m going to be a fireman when I grow up!” he exclaimed.
Cheney wearing a mustache disguise approached Obama. He held out a wad of bills. “I have a campaign contribution for you if you come with me.”
“Ooh!” Obama exclaimed. He reached for the bills, but then he took a long look at Cheney. “Something seems to be suspicious about you.”
“I also have a lollipop for you.” Cheney held up a Tootsie Roll.
“Yay!” Obama ran to follow Cheney.

“So, in conclusion, real hope and change means letting the oil companies drill wherever they want and randomly raise prices for no reason,” Obama told the press. “Also, we should destroy all alternative energy cars with hammers and fire. This is what I support, and what I’ve always supported.”
“Should we conclude anything by the fact that you’re giving this speech from Dick Cheney’s front pocket?” a reporter asked.
“You’re a racist!” Obama responded.
“Robble robble robble!” the Hamburglar agreed.

Obama To Release Sex Tape

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WASHINGTON (AP) – With Paris Hilton now leading Barack Obama in the polls after releasing her first campaign ad, the Obama campaign has decided to boost his celebrity status by “leaking” a series of sex tapes featuring Barack and Michelle.

“Feel the change?”

“Hilton is a badly-aging, horse-faced, empty-skirt, spoiled-rotten, rich-bitch celebrity with no discernable singing, acting, or modeling talent,” said Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton, “yet she’s now crushing Obama in the polls within 24 hours of throwing her hat – or in this case, her chihuahua – into the ring. Although this technically gives her both more political AND foreign policy experience than Obama, we suspect the true cause of these discomforting numbers is that Ms. Hilton has a sex tape, while Mr. Obama does not.”
To ensure that Obama regains his position as “biggest celebrity in the world”, staffers have been taping Barack & Michelle’s nocturnal romps, and plan to release clips anonymously to the internet throughout the fall campaign at the rate of about one a week. Videos expected to be released this month include “YES! YES! YES WE CAN!”, “Inflating the Tire, and “A Little Offshore Drilling”.
“Unlike the Hilton tape,” said Burton, “these won’t be grainy, badly-audioed, night-vision images. We’ve spent over $30 million on post-production – written off as a ‘campaign expense’, of course – to make these movies HD quality. You’ll be able to actually count the hairs growing out of the mole on Michelle’s… well, you’ll be able to count them.”
Many campaign contributors who got wind of the planned video releases were angered by their high cost. “We had to explain that we needed to hire Pixar to, uh, enhance some of Barack’s shortcomings as an actor in these films,” Burton said. “Yeah, he’s half black, but unfortunately it’s the top half, if you know what I mean.”