Does He Have the Experience Necessary to Send a Text Message?

Apparently Obama is going to announce his running mate via text message. So I guess the announcement will be something like:

wes clark is my new bff! kthxbai

Remind me: Is he running for president of the United States or high school class president?

A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 35 – Please

PREVIOUS
Concentrate. You have to be smarter than you are to get through this. People are–
Doug was distracted by something interesting. He was being led to a lab again by men much larger than himself, but when he got there he saw that Ronove was occupied talking to someone familiar looking. It was Darius, and he had with him black-garbed Protectors holding rifles — the first guns he had recalled seeing in this place.
“I am not interested in Amsod’s conflicts with the others,” Ronove said, seeming quite displeased while appearing emotionless as ever.
“Yet they are interested in what you are doing here, especially so for the cube.” Darius motioned towards the thing which was in a glass container. “We are quite certain that Serpine has tasked Loch to attack us and get it.”
“Do they have any idea what it is?” Doug asked.
Darius quietly approached Doug and looked him over. He then turned back to Ronove. “And what again is the purpose of this human?”
“If nothing else, he’s an interesting test subject.” Ronove went back to work at a computer. “Keep your forces here if you must, but be careful with those guns. Death will adversely affect my experiments. Being a unnatural reflection of a human, your presence alone is throwing off my instrumentation. And if Loch does come, let me try and deal with him before you do anything rash. Please go now.”
Darius started to leave with his soldier, but Doug called out to him, “Do you know they’re torturing innocent people here?”
Darius stopped to take one more glance at Doug before continuing on his way.
“So you don’t care?” No one seemed to Doug to care around here. “Jerk.”
“Strap him to the table,” Ronove ordered, his attention still on his computer.
The two men escorting Doug took off his handcuffs and strapped him to an examination table.
“That is all,” Ronove said, and the men left.
“So what now?” Doug asked. Some device popped up next to his head and began to make a humming noise. He didn’t think he felt anything. “So, should my soul be dying now or what?”
Ronove walked behind the table, out of Doug’s view. “You are all so impatient.”
Doug could see the cube from his position and tried to reach out with his soul to do something… except once again he had no idea how to do that or what exactly he’d be doing. “I think you need to turn it up, because I don’t feel anything this time.”
Doug noticed a different sound. He first thought it was something Ronove was doing, but it was muffled as if from a different room. Slowly, Doug realized what the sound was: It was a woman weeping softly. “Who is that?”
“Who is what?”
The sobbing turned to a weak cry. “…please stop…”
“What are you doing to her?” Doug yelled as he tested his binds.
“Oh; that. I know you like to think you’re special, but do I have other tests going on,” Ronove said. “Just ignore it; it’s no one you know.”
“…please…” The voice became more urgent, and the crying louder.
“Whatever you’re doing to her, stop it!” Doug screamed. The woman continued to cry, sounding not in pain but certainly in intense misery. Ronove gave no response.
“…just stop… please…” She sounded like she was barely hanging on but had no energy left for anything but sobbing.
“You said you want to destroy my soul, you coward!” Doug struggled to free himself, but he was strapped in so tight he could barely squirm. “Stop doing it to her and do it to me!”
Ronove remained silent.
“…please… I can’t…. please…”
Doug had very little energy from his captivity, but he struggled with all the might he could muster. “I swear I’ll… I’ll…”
Ronove finally walked in front of Doug. “What could you possibly do to me?”
“I saw you!” Doug yelled. “You’re nothing compared to me.”
“…stop… please…”
“Is that so.” Ronove hobbled over to a console and turned a dial.
The woman’s sobbing became a cry. “PLEASE STOP IT!”
Doug just stared on in horror.
Ronove turned back to him. “If you’re so powerful, then stop me.”
Doug couldn’t move. He couldn’t do anything. There was only one thing left he knew of to try. “Please, God… Jesus — if you exist — please stop this!”
Ronove turned the knob again. The crying became even louder, and the pleas turned to hysterical gibberish. “I don’t think that did the trick, Doug.”
Doug could barely see through his tears. “I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS! I WILL FIGURE OUT HOW TO HURT YOU!”
Ronove turned the knob back, and the woman’s cry faded to its original light sobbing. “These physical ears can only take so much of that.” Ronove limped over to Doug. “Would you like me to explain what I’m doing to her? I’m merely making her experience what it’s like for the human soul and body to become disjoined. The misery you heard is exactly what all the billion of humans who died before you are experiencing as we speak… except no one hears their pleas.”
“…please… enough…”
Doug was crying now too. “You made your point. I can’t do anything. Now stop it… please.”
“Fine.” Ronove walked over and banged his fist against the wall. “That’s enough, dear. You did a very good job.”
“Thank you, sir,” the woman answer, a slight laugh at the end of her answer.
Doug’s mind almost shut down for a moment trying to comprehend.
“One of my employee’s is aspiring to be an actress,” Ronove said. “Do you think she has a future, Doug?”
The despair was once again replaced with rage.
“You tortured yourself in your inability to help her, and now I’m guessing your imagining the violence you could do to her. Am I right?”
He was, but Doug didn’t answer. He was too defeated.
Ronove walked over to the cube. “You saw this for what it really is the other day, didn’t you?” He now came near Doug. “When you talk to your religious friend again, you tell him of that infinite barrier… that void. You tell him of where everyone’s pleas disappear into.”
Doug couldn’t even muster anger at Ronove anymore. “Why?”
“I won’t claim to know the answer to that. What I do know for certain is that if you want any escape from this, I am your only hope. Perhaps you’ll understand enough to give me your gratitude before the end.” Ronove walked back to his computer and pushed a button. The device near Doug’s head ceased its hum. “You were a control case, but I think I got some quite useful data.” He looked to Doug, and the corners of his mouth slowly stretched out into an unworldly smile. “Now I know exactly how to proceed.”
NEXT

In My World: President Bush at the Olympics

“You get out of Georgia! That’s where we make Coca Cola!” President Bush yelled at Putin.
“That’s a different Georgia, man of stupid brain,” Putin answered. “Georgia is its own country.”
“What? Did they secede again? Is it over slavery? If so, screw ’em.”
“You can do nothing to Russia,” Putin laughed. “Your country is weak.”
“We are totally not!” Bush yelled. “You take that back, Dobby!”
“We will see how you do at game, then we will see if you have power to back up your threats.”
“Yeah, we will see!” Bush sat back down next to Laura to watch women’s beach volleyball.
“You need to calm down and enjoy the games,” Laura said.
“I can’t calm down. We have to show strength to the Russian!” He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted. “Hit it in bounds, you stupid sluts!”
“You’re a bit tightly wound,” Laura said. “You need to relax.”
“I can’t! The Russians are causing trouble and I just know that the Chinese are up to something. I’m going to send the Secret Service to check the rafters of our room for ninjas.”
“Again?” Laura exclaimed. “If you were going to be so worried about ninjas here, you never should have come.”
“I didn’t know before I came here how often I’d think I see ninjas up in the trees,” Bush responded. “Also, I’m pretty sure every place around here is haunted.”
“That’s just because everything here is built on the mass graves of dissidents and homeless people,” Laura said. “Stop worrying.”
“But the homeless are good haunters!” Bush exclaimed. “They’re use to have no fixed place to exist!” He looked back to the game. “Why can’t you bitches keep it in bounds?!”
“Your country is weak!” Putin yelled.
“Just wait until you see Michael Phelps swim!” Bush retorted. He then whispered to Laura, “I hear he’s the illegitimate son of Aquaman.”
“I thought Aquaman is gay?”
“You shut up!” Bush yelled angrily. A secret service agent walked up to them. “I got your hot dog.”
“Goody!” Bush unwrapped it. He was startled to see chopsticks came with it. “What in the world is this? I bet it’s some sort of Chinese death threat!”
“If you’re so worried that the Chinese led us here just to kill us all, why don’t you ask them about it,” Laura suggested.
“I did! They told me that if they’re planning to kill us all, that their internal affairs and no concerns of ours.” He turned to his Secret Service agent. “I don’t trust the Chinese. If you see any Chinese around me, you kill them.”
“Just watch the game, dear,” Laura said.
“Okay.” Bush watched the game for a few moments. “Why can’t you hussies keep it in the blue line?!”
“Russia has nothing to fear from weak Americans!” Putin laughed.
“Rarr!” Bush growled. “I should have known the Russians were going to be warmongering from all the Tom Clancy videogames I’ve played.”
“According to those, how do things turn out in the end?” Laura asked.
“We all die. Repeatedly. They were very hard games.” Bush took a deep breath. “I bet I know how the Chinese are going to kill us. It’s the air. They’ve poisoned the air, and a couple weeks of breathing it will cause us to drop dead soon after we get back.”
Luara rolled here eyes. “That one we knew before coming.” She looked back to the game. “Keep it in bounds, you whores!”

WEsistance Challenge: Operation Rumor Has It

I declare Operation Needs More PC a success.
Or at least fun.
Now it’s time for:
OPERATION RUMOR HAS IT
The Premise: Inspired by Obama’s Fight the Smears site, you’ve noticed that the Vast Right Wing Smear Machine aka the Right Wing Media aka every news outlet except NPR (and you’re starting to wonder about THEM, too) is spreading some unconscionable lie about Environmentalism in general or its proponents in particular, and it’s time for WE to fight back!
Suggested format:
1) Brief mention of your love of WE.
2) Mention some crazy rumor that you’ve heard (feel free to cite sources or include a link if you’re not just completely making it up) and insist that WE start diverting all available resources to fighting this grave assault on the TRUTH! As always, try to keep it under 200 words to encourage folks to pass it around.
3) Sign off with some cliche lefty slogan and your hippie alias.
Feel free to leave in a few typos and misspellings, just for flavor.
Sample letter:

Dear WE,
I’m so grateful that WE is (are?) finally out there spreading the TRUTH about global warmming! But it saddens me that you won’t respond directly to the rightwing fasists and deniers out there spreading their LIES!
ABC news claims that Al Gore’s utility bill is 30000 dollars a year which is just a LIE! I know for a FACT that Al Gore does eveything he can to keep his carbon footprint smaller than a bronze baby bootie! Is it his fault that the theives in Big Oil are overchaging him for his electricty? I KNOW he doesn’t use any more than anyone else, and a LOT less than those who are getting RICH off $4 a gallon gas.
I think you should have a page to FIGHT THE SMEARS! Just like Obama.
SCREAM truth to power!
Autumn Ariel Juspeczyk

As before, you don’t HAVE to be a member of WE to participate in Operation Rumor Has it, but if you ARE signed up, it puts pressure on them to take you seriously, and there’s nothing more pathetically funny than a conflicted liberal.
After you leave your suggestion with WE, send a copy of it to me at wesistance@gmail.com. If I find your entry to be brief, subtle, and at least moderately amusing, I’ll post it at IMAO so that others may enjoy it also.
BONUS LINKS (as requested by slapout):
Hippie Chick Name Generator
Hippie Dude Name Generator

Empty Obama

So Obama is responding to the charge that’s he an empty celebrity with “I know you are, but what am I.” I already knew Obama had the brain of a four-year-old, but I guess his campaign staff isn’t any better. Have they come up with even one memorable ad yet? Paris Hilton has.

Operation Needs More PC – Part 9 (Final)

The last of the Operation Needs More PC letters for your reading pleasure.
New Mission later this morning.


[The ever-annoying Cathy Zoi of WE asked this man for money – Ed.]
Dear Cathy,
Thank you sooooo much for contacting me about this exciting new website that makes such a difference as to saving our planet from GW and getting the word out about awareness of these issues, I have WE save on my favorites because I want to be a part of this exciting campain so that WE can STOP GW NOW!!!
A couple of weeks ago I sent in an issue/request/suggestion about your website, can you tell me if there has been any progress made on the issue/request/suggestion I brought up? Because I know it would go a long way to making your website more welcoming to a large amount of people than you are experiencing now. In case that e-mail was not passed to you, here it is in it’s intirety:


Hi WE!
Awesome site, I have u on my favorites on my computer because I know u make a DIFFERENCE in reducing gw NOW and I want to be a part of it!!
Question: you may want to rethink your t-shirts selection in your WE store, in that you only offer sizes up to XL and this may exclude some of our heavier members who would find these sizes too snug, but still want to show there support for the WE movement but may be offended by this ommission. In order to be sensitive to these larger people we should offer greater sizes. I myself know some people that would be interested in showing support for WE but would be uncomfortable in those tight shirts due to there size.
Please adress this situation in the name of fairness.
Thanks! ♥’in 08!
Barry Love


As you can see, this is an important consideration for your website because if we discriminate against heavy people then it sets a bad example in that where do you draw the line in whom you discriminate against, and there should be no discrimination especially from this website? As of the last time I went to the WE website there has been no change on this issue. Please respond as soon as you can and let me know the plans for correcting this injustice.
Thanks again, and here’s to the WEvolution!
Barry Love


This has got to be one of the more well done political satire sites I’ve ever come across. The farcical solutions to nonexistent climate emergencies, the bogus “feel good” success stories, the usual celebrity endorsements, the dire consequences of inaction scare tactics. You’ve tickled all the g-spots of the “touchy, feely, not much thinky” crowd. Identifying that “carbon sasquatch”, Al Gore as the guiding force of this endeavor is the cherry on the sundae. It’s like naming Brittany Spears as the new babysitter. I actually think that the well meaning fools who believe in this garbage could come away from this site with the realization that we can’t conserve or renew our way out of energy dependence without drilling, refining and coal mining also.
Herpules


End mission. Recall all agents for new assignment.