Archive of entries posted on 13th August 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 36 – Through the Darkness
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“You better hope I never get these cuffs off, or I will kill each and every one of you.”
Charlene sighed. “Lulu, shut up.”
The transport they were on had made a landing. In the back with them were Lara and three other devotees of Elza, some wearing Protector uniforms and the others what looked like medical garb. Bryce was pretty certain they were in a caravan, though, and thus there would be more of them at the destination. “So have you been working for these psychos the whole time?” Bryce asked Lara.
“Let’s just say my resume is complicated.”
“So what do you gals have planned for us? Is it weird sexual things? If so, I’m game, and I’m sure Lulu will keep an open mind.”
“Bryce, you can shut up too,” Charlene said.
Lulu glared at Charlene. “I always knew something like this would happen because you’re a stuck up bitch, and that’s why I kept telling the others we needed to one day just drive you out into the middle of the woods and leave you there. Doug was against it though, because he’s stupid.”
“I was ambivalent on the issue,” Bryce said.
“We’ve been playing a kids game for a very long time,” Charlene answered. “I decided to grow up.”
“Then why are you still so short?” Lulu retorted.
“Hello, ladies,” a rough looking man said as he entered the transport. He was followed by two other men wearing Protector uniforms.
This wasn’t something Bryce had planned for. “I have to say, you are some ugly looking women.”
Colette entered after them having traded her evening gown for something more combat worthy. She looked at the handcuffed Lulu and Bryce and then Charlene. Finally, she turned to Lara. “What the hell are they doing here?”
Lulu smiled. “Hey! You got your hand back!”
“Are you guys working together?” Bryce asked. “Since we technically work for Dammon too, we’re all on the same side. No reason for us to be cuffed, then.”
“Yes. Get my cuffs off so I can give everyone a hug,” Lulu said.
The transport began to take off. Colette looked to Lara again. “Will you explain to me why we don’t just toss these idiots out the door as soon as we reach altitude?”
Lara shrugged. “Because that would be violent, and we’re all pacifists.”
Colette looked at Charlene. “And she’s on your side now?”
“She’s a filthy, mudblood traitor!” Lulu shouted.
“Your group was never organized enough to be betrayed.” Colette said. “So, do you have any idea what they’re keeping you alive for?”
“I’m sticking with my guess of weird sex stuff,” Bryce answered. “You know how murderous lesbians are.”
Lara looked offended. “Who said we’re lesbians? Just because a group of women get together for violent purposes doesn’t mean they’re lesbians. If a group of men get together for military purposes, do you assume they’re homosexuals?”
“Well… uh…”
“Don’t fall for her lesbian mind tricks,” Lulu whispered to Bryce.
“Prepare for flying over the wasteland,” the driver said.
“And how do we prepare for that?” Lara asked.
“Just don’t freak out, I guess,” the driver answered.
Bryce looked out a window and could see the black of the wasteland. It was his understanding that there was a specific high-altitude path through the wasteland that allowed access to Ronove’s lab. Bryce hoped the Amazons knew what they were doing, as the darkness swirled as if preparing to consume them. “So how does one break apart reality?”
“I hear every time you try to divide by zero on a pocket calculator, you break apart a piece of reality,” Lulu said.
Lara moved to look out the window. “You know, I’ve never actually heard of anyone actually being killed in the wastelands.”
“That’s because the creatures inside of it rip you from reality so it’s like you never existed,” Lulu explained.
Colette scoffed. “And where did you hear that?”
“I read it in a science magazine,” Lulu replied. “I also hear that pi equals exactly three in there, and if you even look at a circle while in the wasteland, your head will explode.”
“This is a real professional operation, huh?” one of the men griped.
“This certainly wasn’t my planning,” Bryce said. “I can just tell this is going to be a big disaster.” In fact, he was going to make certain of that. He looked again out the window at the swirling darkness waiting to annihilate anything it touched, and he smiled.
NEXT
McCain Campaign Admits to “Celebrity McCain” Ad Prank
WASHINGTON (AP) – The McCain campaign today admitted that the “Celebrity” attack ad supposedly released by the Obama campaign in retaliation for the “Celebrity” attack ad recently released by the McCain campaign, was actually just a parody ad released by the McCain campaign.
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“John’s always had a great sense of humor,” said McCain campaign spokesman Jeff Sadosky, “and after the Paris Hilton ‘Celebrity’ parody ad, John suggested we make a parody of our own – like it was done by the Obama campaign. Trouble is, we may have done it TOO good, since a lot of Obama supporters didn’t get the joke and thought it was a REAL Obama ad. I guess Democrats really ARE as stupid as we think.”
McCain’s campaign issued a press release today, listing some of the “tip-offs” that this wasn’t a real Obama ad:
* Blatant rip-off of the flash bulb effect from the original McCain ‘Celebrity’ ad.
* McCain Featured with famous liberal comedians David Letterman, Whoopi Goldberg, Jay Leno, Steve Carell, and the whole crew of Saturday Night Live, thus creating positive emotional connections with the vaguely-liberal swing-voter bloc.
* McCain is consistently shown in this commercial smiling, laughing, being cheerful, and giving thumbs up while humorously upbeat music plays in the background. Normal attack ads show grim, dour images of the attackee in black & white backed by somber – almost funereal – piano chords.
* McCain laughs boisterously while the words “NOTHING FOR YOU” appear under him, in a VERY obvious allusion to lolcats.
* The exaggeratedly amateurish use of the same video clip flipped horizontally to show McCain “lurching to the right, then the left”.
* Pro-McCain image of “drilling here, drilling now”.
* Two uses of the word “old”, including one in text right underneath his name, an homage to Paris Hilton’s “He’s the oldest celebrity in the world” line.
* When Obama’s picture is finally shown at the end, the music stops as if to say “Party’s over. No more good times in America.”
“I don’t know what more we could’ve done to give it away,” said Sadosky, “unless we had a line in there about John ‘Sidney‘ McCain having a funny name and not having hair like the other presidents on US currency.”
The Devil Went Down to Georgia
So Russia is evil and violent. Who knew?
This, of course, is very bad for Georgia, but it’s also very bad for Obama. The more often people remember there are problems in the world that can’t be fixed through smiles and trite sayings, the more people who will be apprehensive about voting for Obama. This is the sort of crisis that gives a solid argument for McCain, too. I talked to a McCain supporter and an Obama supporter asking them to tell me why their candidate would be best to handle this, and here’s what they said:
MCCAIN SUPPORTER: “Though not everyone likes McCain, they have to admit he’s a tough bastard who has shown before he knows how to react to foreign crises when lives are on the line. Russia should be intimidated about overstepping themselves too much if McCain is in charge.”
OBAMA SUPPORTER: “Obama should be able to handle this crisis because he has such a sweet smile and a cute button nose. And look how his ears stick out; isn’t he adorable! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and never let go!”
So, do you all think we’ll finally get that war with Russia we were all expecting during the eighties? Probably still not a good idea, huh?
China Takes a Stand Against Ugly Children
As you’ve probably heard by now, China had a little girl lip sync their national anthem because the little girl who actually sang it has buck teeth. The craziest part to me is how China just comes out and says it’s in their “national interest” to make sure the little girl singing their national anthem isn’t ugly by their standards because, you know, that’s what we’re all judging their primitive, totalitarian regime on. I’m really worried China is going to take this whole Olympics thing as an indication we accept their government for what it is when really we all mock it as a socially-retarded, anachronistic tragedy like something out of the stone age or the Middle East.
I know what we should do. We should steal their pandas. That’s the one thing China can hold over other countries. “If you want pandas, you be nice to us!” The pandas we have in the States are actually on loan from China. We don’t own any pandas. That needs to change. We need to come out and declare that those pandas are now property of the U.S. We should also send in troops to liberate all the other pandas China has. They’re probably just executing the ones that aren’t cute enough anyway. Yeah, let’s see how China does up there all alone without their precious pandas.