The Gaia-goblins are in a frinjabulous tizzy because President Bush is planning on making a few small, unilateral alterations to the Endangered Species Act. Honestly, they’re just brain-sploding and blowing things all out of proportion (SURPRISE!). All Bush actually wants to do is remove protections for animals that:

Tough luck, Shelob. You’re on your own, now.

• are too slow or stupid to dodge heavy construction equipment
• taste like chicken
• aren’t cute enough to have their own Beanie Baby
• can earn their keep performing at SeaWorld or Busch Gardens
• can’t reproduce in captivity even with the help of Viagra and species-specific porn – looking your way, Ling Ling.
• can’t figure out how to build a nest on the ledge of a high-rise apartment because it doesn’t have branches.
• can get a job as a mascot for a chocolate-covered ice-cream treat.
• transform nicely into high-quality rugs, wall-hangings, ashtrays, or hat racks.
• nobody except zoology majors and hippies has ever heard of.
• have body parts that can be ground up and sold as aphrodisiacs to horny Asian men.

I’ve heard that Bush is still looking for other categories to exclude, so if you drop suggestions in the comments, I’ll make sure he gets them.

We’ve been doing a lot of exploration and study of Mars lately, but I think we’ve been avoiding the main question we have at hand: Should we start transforming it into a prison planet?
It would seem the perfect solution once Gitmo shuts down. We just start sending all the terrorists to Mars, the prison planet. And we won’t have to register sex offenders because we’ll know where they all are: On the prison planet.
Will this be expensive? Of course not. That’s the point of a prison planet. You don’t need guards or anything because there’s no way off. Plus, if they want their shipments of food to continue, they better mine lots of gold and diamonds (platinum will also be acceptable). What about if they kill each others? Well, I think everyone just accepts that as just part of being a prison planet. And why not just make the moon a prison planet? Because it’s a satellite, not a planet.
So what if the Democrats object to this new plan? Well, guess where those against our new world order go? That’s right: The prison planet. They’ll have to tough it out with all those felons they want to give the vote to.
Anyway, I hope NASA announces their prison planet plans at their next news conference. It’s the step really needed to revitalize our interest in space and to once again get children to dream of all the possibilities of space travel.

So, it’s looking to me like men’s synchronized diving is by far the gayest Olympic competition. You have pairs of men wearing almost nothing trying to move in “beautiful” precision. One of the main competitors was this old Russian guy who had been stabbed multiple times, though.
I still couldn’t help but root for the Americans, but they didn’t stand a chance against the Chinese. Apparently they dominate in all the synchronized competitions thanks to China’s cracking down on individuality.