Archive of entries posted on 20th August 2008

Obama Finally Announces Selection for Vice President

Posted by on

WASHINGTON (AP) – After months of careful deliberation, presumptive Democrat Party presidential nominee Barack Obama today announced the identity of his vice-presidential running mate – an American Flag. The announcement comes amidst – and possibly in response to – recent attacks by Republican candidate John McCain, who has repeatedly questioned the patriotism of Mr. Obama.

“Obama – Flag ’08: Patrioticer Than You!”

“People – and I use the term loosely, since I mean ‘Republicans’ – have questioned my patriotism for months,” said Obama at today’s press conference. “They accused me of not loving my country because I wouldn’t wear an American Flag lapel pin. Truth is, I didn’t wear it for the same reason John McCain doesn’t wear a Mitt Romney lapel pin. I didn’t want to give away my choice for Vice President.”
“The American Flag and I enjoy a close personal relationship,” said Obama, “very casual, very comfortable. Neither one of us feels compelled to make phony hand-over-heart gestures in each other’s presence. It’s a relationship where the mutual love and respect is just so well understood that it never needs to be spoken of in public.”
“You hear me, McCain?” shouted Obama, shaking his upraised fist, “I said NEVER!”
Although disappointed at not being chosen, Senator Joe Biden still praised Obama’s selection. “It’s no secret that Barack Obama has no military experience. On this issue an American Flag brings much needed balance to the ticket, having proudly served overseas in every war this country has fought. However, like Obama, it’s also very experienced at saying nothing intelligent while waving at crowds of foreigners.”
Still, not everyone approves of the selection. Bubba Gumperson, self-appointed “Town Bigot” of Hogeye, Arkansas, says that Obama’s veep choice won’t affect his vote. “Well, I ain’t votin’ for that colored fella, ’cause he’s half white & half black. I sure as HELL ain’t voting for the other colored fella – he’s half white, half red, and half blue. Besides, I hear both of them is half Muslim to boot.”

Operation Rumor Has It – Part 4

Posted by on

Some Operation Rumor Has It suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Folks at WE,
The work you are doing to help save the environment is very noble!! Every time we see your commercial with the giant switch, my partner and I are overcome with emotion!!!
It is so important that you keep up with the good fight, which is why I am writing! You see, my therapist’s cousin, who happens to work with someone who has a very reliable source in Washington, told me that the bush (who I call satan (lol), even though I don’t believe in any of that stuff) administration is working to close down your website!!!!!! I’m not making this up!!! It seems as though they are working in the higher courts to pass a law that gives the president the power to ‘quarantine’ a website for up to 24 months on grounds of being a national security threat!! You guys need to fight this, because if they get this passed, well, imagine what a 2 year delay would mean to the survival of our planet!!!!!! Then where does it end?!?!? With the smashing of solar panels, and razing of windmills; Don Quixote-style?!??!! If you have lawyers, they need to get on this right away!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw an oil derrick the other day, I wept! Please help!!!, I’m running out of tears!
Alex Wilson, aka Distance
distance@happyhippie.com

THIS IS VERY IMPORTUNT! PLEASE READ!
(please bear with the phonetik spelling, it is essential so as not to be picked up by guvrnmint servalince software)
My name is Charlz Dyce (not my real name for reasons that will become cleer), and you must listen to me. It is vary important that you continue with your werk. The survival of our species and even our planet is at steak!
You see, I formerly worked for the guvrnmint at a sekrit facility in the Nevaduh dessert that I cannot disklose for fear of my lyfe and that of my parent-children home unit. (more sekrit than ay-ree-uh 49+2) The focus of our reeserch was on ekstra-terrestree-uls that have crashed visiting our plannut. Our reeserch has discovered that all (non-earth-rezidentz) require at least 1000 ppm of C-O-2 to servive. Therefore, it is imperitive that we keep our plannuts levels far below this, or we risk full-skayl-invayzhun! You must beleev me! The kurrint administration believes they can exploit any visitor’s teknologee for militarie gane, so they are trying to raise the see-oh-too levels above 1 ppt. This would be catastrofik! I have to be brief each time. More explanation will follow. Don’t reply to this email at this time.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!
FROM THE DESK OF THE United Kingdom DIRECTOR MICROSOFT PRIZE AWARD DEPT 2008.
Attn Lucky Winner,
WINNING NOTIFICATION FOR CATEGORY “A” WINNER ONLY
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the last final annual
draw of our Lottery MICROSOFT Programs.
The online cyber lotto draws was conducted from an exclusive list of
82,000,000 e-mail addresses of individual and corporate bodies picked
by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet. No
tickets were sold.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
After this automated computer ballot, your e-mail address emerged as a
winner in the category “A” with the following numbers attached Ref
Number: ANA 6611 SX10001,Batch Number: 77586858577/5NL/2006 and Ticket
Number:555673577 /870701 You are therefore to receive a cash prize of
£1,500,000.00(One Million Five Hundred Thousand Great Britain Pound
Sterlings) from the total payout.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!. Your prize award has been insured with your e-mail
address and will be transferred to you upon meeting our requirements,
statutory obligations, verifications, validations and satisfactory
report.
To file in for the processing of your prize winnings, you are advised
to contact our Certified and Accredited claims agent for category “A”
winners:

Name: Walter Bill
Email:agent_bill@ymail.com
Email:micro_agent@ymail.com
Tel: + 44 750 1854455
Fax: +44 750 1854455
Address: 32 Watford way, hill
Nw7 2pt London, UK.

You are advice to provide him with the following information:
1. FULL NAMES OF BENEFICIARY:
2. RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS:
3. DATE AND PLACE OF BIRTH:
4. PHONE/FAX NUMBERS:
5. NAME AND ADDRESS OF NEXT OF KIN:
6. SEX:
7. OCCUPATION:
8. MARITAL STATUS:
9. NATIONALITY:
10. Your Reference and Batch number:
11. AMOUNT WON:
NOTE: All winnings must be claimed not later than 14 days, thereafter
unclaimed funds would be included in the next stake. Remember to quote
your reference information in all correspondence.
You are to keep all lotto information confidential, especially your
reference and ticket numbers. (This is important as a case of double
claims will not be entertained).
Members of the affiliate agencies are automatically not allowed to
participate in this program.
Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent
as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for
being part of our promotional program.
Yours Faithfully,
Mike Johnson.
Lottery Coordinator.

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE’s offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).