If you’re going to put someone in charge of the American auto industry to save it, I think it should be me. I have actual ideas on how to sell more American cars.

First off, they need to be bigger. Like enormous. The first thing people should say when they see the car is, “Holy crap!” It should be big enough to run over and crush other cars. The front of it should also resemble a skull.

See, here’s the marketing strategy: People who buy these new American cars will run over and crush smaller dinky cars. Those people will be forced to buy new American cars so they don’t get crushed again. That’s basic economics right there.

To make the cars cheaper, no more union labor. They’re stupid and expensive. Instead, robots. But not just any robots. Robots with two arms. One arm will be for working on the car. The other will be for wielding a switchblade in a menacing manner. This makes sure no one messes with the robot. It’s a quality control feature.

Now Congress is going to be like, “Your cars are too big. They’re putting too much carbon in the air. Carbon hurts babies. Blah bla blah bla blah.” So I’m going to send my robots to their houses. The robots take pride in their work and don’t like people denigrating it. They will cut you for that. Soon Congress will stop passing laws against awesome cars because of their natural fear of robots with switchblades.

So that’s my plan for the American auto industry. Oh, also I want to look into whether open carry laws means you can mount a machine gun on your car. That will be an optional feature.

A lot of people are buying guns as they don’t trust Obama and thinks he’s going to pass laws against firearms. Obama certainly doesn’t have a good record when it comes to that.

To make sure he doesn’t try and take your guns, first thing I’d be wary of is answering any questions about whether you own guns in a job application for his administration. That could be a trick so later he can come back and take your guns. Also, if he comes over to your house and asks if he can see your guns, don’t show them to him. The other day he was at my house and was like, “Hey, can I see some of your guns? I bet they are neat!”

And I was like, “Okay.” So I got a couple and brought them to him. He just set them down in front of him and got out a notepad and started writing something. So I was like, “What are you writing?”

And he said, “Stuff.”

So I got closer to try and get a look, but he kept moving the notepad so I couldn’t see. So I snatched it from him. He was writing down my guns’ serial numbers! I was like, “Hey!”

And he said, “Can I see more guns?”

And I said, “No!”

And he said, “Can some of my friends come in here?”

And I was like, “Are they known terrorists?”

And he was like, “Why are you asking so many questions?”

So I said, “You get out of my house right now, Obama!”

Do not trust that guy when it comes to guns. He’s sneaky.