Have a merry Christmas!

That wasn’t a wish; that was a command! If you don’t have a merry Christmas, we will urinate on your favorite pet so that when you pet him you’ll get pee on your hand. That’s how important it is to us that your Christmas is merry.

Also, to be diverse, if you celebrate Hanukkah, we wish that it is happy. If you celebrate Kwanzaa, you’re a weirdo and we hope you choke on it. And if I don’t see you until then, I also hope you have a happy New Year… though this isn’t to imply we feel as strongly about the happiness of your New Year as we do about the merriment of your Christmas. The merry Christmas is the important thing. Much more important than the rest. Like, if for some reason stealing Hanukkah candles — and thus making someone’s Hanukkah unhappy — is what’s needed to make your Christmas merry, then go ahead and do so because it’s for the greater good. To be clear, I’m not saying go steal Hanukkah candles; I’m just saying in this purely theoretical instance is stealing Hanukkah candles justified. I don’t want you all go around stealing Hanukkah candles saying IMAO told you to because then we’ll get labeled anti-Semites and we travel in circles where that’s still considered a bad thing.

But do smash all the Kwanzaa stuff you see — if any such things actually exist. If someone says you’re a racist against blacks, just answer, “I’m not a racist! Some of my presidents are black!” Well, I guess that excuse won’t work until later in January, but hold onto it; it’s a gift from IMAO to you.

Happy Christmas!

…I mean “Merry.” I’m going to say “Merry” all I want and I don’t care who it offends!