 It’s 2009.
The Democrats have a larger majority in Congress. The U.S. is preparing for the Obama inauguration. The History Channel is running Armageddon Week. A coincidence? I think not. |
Archive of entries posted on 5th January 2009
Vote or Pie
You can now vote for IMAO at the Weblog Awards… or you can vote for someone else. Treacher is pretty funny; has he posted anything good lately? I should add him to my Google Reader. Did you know you can subscribe to something called an RSS feed and get updates from blogs sent to you? I think it’s brand new.
I feel like I should do a post round up of stuff from this past year (and some of you had some good suggestions), but I’m just too friggin’ lazy.
Searching for Global Warming
It looks like this is the year the wheels finally start to come off the bus for global warming. Everyone knows that to question global warming because that’s blasphemy against Sciencor, all-knowing elf-god of science, but still the layman assumption is that if we’re having the hottest years in a century, we probably shouldn’t be having record winters.
What exactly have the global warming scientists provided as proof their right other than their assertions that they’re super-duper sure about anything. Like, what are their records on predictions? How many things have they incorrectly predicted? Have they had any correct predictions? Is anyone keeping track of that sort of thing, or has everyone just given up treating it as an actual science?
Know Thy Enemy: Hamas – Ver. 2.0
Hamas sure seems to like provoking Jews into killing them, so as a public service I thought I’d send my crack research staff to revisit and revise their facts about Hamas before research about Hamas becomes a job solely for anthropologists.
FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS
* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.
* Hamas is Arabic for “dumb @#$% with explosives”.
* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.
* Make sure to keep Hamas away from your Jews.
* I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.
* Hamas protects their armaments by hiding them among children so Israel will hesitate to shoot back. For a ground war, Hamas is planning on wearing vests covered in live puppies. Killing terrorists isn’t worth harming an innocent puppy, is it?
* If you’re surrounded by members of Hamas, shout, “One of you is secretly a Jew!” Then watch them shoot each other while screaming, “Who Jew?” It’s high-larious!
* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what “ceasefire” means and are too embarrassed to ask.
* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.
* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.
* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. It’s a lot like the Salvation Army… if the Salvation Army murdered Jews.
* Actually, if you see a guy ringing a bell around Christmas, make sure he’s with Salvation Army and not a Hamas member before you give him money.
* If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.
* Hamas is a big part of the “cycle of violence”. They launch rockets at Israel, and then Israel is like, “Hey, don’t do that.” And thus the cycle of violence continues.
* The cycle of violence will continue on forever… or until Israel finally gets fed up and nukes the crap out of everyone.
* If you think you see a Hamas member, make sure to report him to the nearest heavily armed Jew.
* Hamas’s objective is to act like crazed murders to provoke Israel into a larger war where all the Muslim world comes together to destroy Israel. So far it hasn’t worked since the rest of the Muslim world like getting killed by Jews even less than Hamas.
* Hell, even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.
* If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.
* Actually, without the oil, there really isn’t much of a point to that region, is there? We probably wouldn’t even bother mapping the area and just write “Here there be tygers.” But I digress.
* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Hamas members would run into the ocean to try and suicide bomb Aquaman and all drown. Good job, Aquaman.
* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders, but they don’t like it when Israel targets and kills their children either. Hey, pick one and shut up.
* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.
* Many liberals feel a great amount of sympathy for Hamas as they’re a lot alike since they’re both misunderstood, smelly, and wish to indiscriminately kill the Jews.
* Members of Hamas, much like the northern short-tailed shrew, are largely illiterate.
* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.
* No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!
* For most combatants, the object is to kill the enemy while not being killed. Hamas had the idea, “Hey, what if we kill the enemy and kill ourselves at the same time?” And thus suicide bombing was born. It’s not a great idea, but you have to give Hamas props for thinking outside the box.
* Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.
* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, “Ha! Mas!”
* I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.
The New Party in Power
I would have thought it would take at least until the Dems actually took power for them to completely fall apart, but they’re doing a spectacular job while President-Elect Obama is still trying to figure out how to put on his training wheels. First there’s the whole Blago mess. All the Democrats abandoned him for being caught on tape acting like a politician from Illinois, so of course he strikes back by going against their wishes and appointing some boob as Senator (the guy has an Obama-like resume but has built his own monument). Doddering old man Harry Reid is trying to stand up against it, and get’s charged as a racist for trying to block a black man. We just elected a black president; I thought we were all done with this “race” stuff.
These appointment things where one party gets to handpick a Senator are supposed to be a freebie; it’s the “Free Parking” of politics. You can’t screw it up. We can dismiss the Blago thing as being a freak one time occurrence, but how are the Dems also screwing up the appointment thing in New York? You have all of New York state to find one half-way competent Democrat, and they come up with a privileged nitwit who couldn’t find her ass with a flashlight and two helpful servants. Their excuse for picking Caroline Kennedy: Paris Hilton isn’t Constitutionally old enough.
Going for the hat trick in Senate disasters, it looks like Al Franken will be declared winner of the recount. So with about 41% of the vote, we have a Daily Kos level unhinged nut about to go to the Senate. The Democrat leadership’s view on Kos Kids has always been they should be seen (raising money) and not heard (except by other freaks on the internet), but now they’re reaping the whirlwind.
And finally, Bill Richardson has dropped out as Commerce Secretary because of a pay for play scandal. That’s one cabinet member down. If all this implosion is just a prelude to the new administration, I wonder what they’re saving for the main event? Accidentally burning down the White House?
We Funny?
IMAO has made finalist for humor blog in the 2008 Weblog Awards. I didn’t think it was a very funny year for us, though. It was just a blah year for politics; I except things to pick up as the Democrats take power and start going crazy.
Anyway, what was your favorite posts from the past year?
Underdog Obama Victorious in Mr. Socialist Pageant
HONOLULU (AP) – In a hard-fought battle where he was, at one point, a 2-to-1 underdog, President-Elect Obama ending up beating Vladimir Putin to claim the crown in the Mr. Socialist Pageant.
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“Things looked grimmest for Obama during the eveningwear competition,” said Matt Drudge, the pageant co-ordinator. “Put him in a tux, and Putin shines with the hard-bitten, suave elegance of a Bond villain. And not that gay-looking one from ‘Die Another Day’, either. Obama in a tux, well, he just looks like a high school teacher who got stuck chaperoning the Prom. You know… that one really dweeby math teacher who told all the dumb jokes and always seemed to give the bosomy girls better grades.”
The Interview portion did nothing to change the standings of the contestants, as both answered the question “How would you make the world a better place?” with “By smashing decadent Western capitalism and establishing a worker’s paradise for the proletariat”.
Once the shirts came off for the swimsuit competition, however, Obama’s numbers surged. “I figured this event would be a toss-up,” said Drudge. “Both their torsos have that oily, hairless look that women who let their undocumented nannies raise their children seem to prefer. But it’s apparent from Putin’s mutant third nipple that his hairlessness was caused by Chernobyl radiation. Obama has that baby’s-bottom silkiness that only comes from combining electrolysis with estrogen treatments. Women were obviously attracted to the way he imaginatively embraced modern technology instead of being stuck in the 80’s like Putin.”
“In short,” said Drudge, “Barack scored the tiara because of his fantabulous man-rack.”