You know how the slogan of the post office is “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”? Notice how it quite conspicuously doesn’t say anything about hobos with shotguns.
Archive of entries posted on 7th January 2009
America Already Has Enough Patriots
I’ve probably said this before, but it’s worth repeating: If you’re only now thinking of being patriotic, please don’t. America has plenty of good people dedicated to it; it doesn’t need fair-weather friends. If you can’t be there for your country in bad times as well as good, then you’re worthless.
Obama Tweets!
Apparently Obama got his Twitter account hacked, and though I Googled my hardest to find what those nefarious scalliwags graffitied his page with, I don’t think I succeeded.
I mean, I found some entries that MIGHT have been faked, but it’s kinda hard to tell:
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* McCain ran a clean campaign, never once claiming that “Barack” sounds like the noise a chicken makes.
* Michelle’s gonna upgrade her starter set! (o)(o) YAY! Fake boobies!
* Why Clinton for Sec of State? As we say in Chicago “keep your friends close, and your enemies dangling over a pit of poisoned spikes”.
* Roland Burris is WAY over-qualified for my senate seat, since you really only need to be 50% black to fill it.
* Uh… change… uh… hope… uh… historic… uh… damn this broken teleprompter! BRB…
* Black history: back of the bus – front of the bus – under the bus
* Best. Shirtless. President. EVA! Boo-yah! Who’s your daddy?
* Yeah, I’m appointing nothing but has-been Clinton wonks, but you know in your heart that McCain woulda done exactly the same thing.
* Pie pie pie pie pie pie baked beans pie pie pie pie and pie.
* I’m just like Lincoln, except that four score and seven years from now we’ll all be speaking Farsi.
* I did not have appointmental discussions with that Governor, Rod Blagojevich.
* It’s a low-growing annual with dull-green, deeply-cut, compound leaves which have a distinct spicy-pungent flavor, NOW STOP ASKING!
Let me know if you find any I missed.
In My World: Blocking the Senate Doors
Harry Reid sat in his office and smiled. “Having gotten rid of the only black senator by electing him president, the Senate will be racially pure once again.”
Reid’s aide rushed into the office. “Blagojevich has appointed Roland Burris — a black man — to Obama’s seat!”
Reid shot to his feet. “What! But I thought we successfully destroyed him when we framed him for corruption once we were first found out he was thinking of appointing a black man! The racial purity of the Senate must be protected!”
Al Franken shoved the aide out of the way. “You said when I take my seat, you’d have all the black people gone! I’ll hurt you! Grwaerree!” He came at Reid flailing his arms.
Reid shielded himself. “Calm down, Al Franken! Don’t hurt me! By the time you take your seat, we’ll have this taken care of!”
Franken calmed down a bit. “You better, or me hurt you!” He spotted a piece of paper on the ground. “That’s a vote for me!”
Reid looked at it. “That’s a receipt from Taco Bell.”
“It’s a vote for me! Me hurt you you say otherwise! Grwaerree!” He charged at Reid, flailing his arms again.
“Calm down, Franken! You’re deranged!”
“Don’t call me deranged or I’ll bite you in the eyeball! Grwaerree!”
* * * *
“I don’t know if we should antagonize the white man like this,” Bobby Rush said to Roland Burris. “It will only make things worse.”
“We have to stand up,” Burris said. “Maybe now that a black man is about to be president, we can finally have a black person in the Senate… like there was a couple days ago. That’s a dream of mine I cannot let go.”
“I dunno. The white people are going to hurt us!”
Burris walked towards the Capitol, but blocking the entrance was Harry Reid. “What are you doing here, African American?”
Burris walked right up to him. “Hey! That’s a term we use to call each other; you can’t call us that!”
“Why? What are you going to do, African American,” Reid sneered. “I’ve worked tirelessly to make the Senate racially pure. Tossing out Barack Obama to the presidency to further that goal wasn’t easy, but now I’m not going to let some uppity African American ruin that!”
“I’ve always been humble,” Burris said, “it even says so on my monument I made — but people must stand up to bigotry.”
“And do what?”
Burris looked at the Senate thugs Reid had brought with him. “I guess you win for now, but don’t think this is over. The fight for racial equality will continue!” Burris marched away.
“Not while I’m alive!” Reid pumped his fist in the air and chanted with the crowd. “Democrat power! Democrat power!”
Telegenic
With Obama appointing Dr. Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General, I wonder if he could appoint more TV personalities to his administration. He should appoint Alec Baldwin’s character from 30 Rock to something; that guy is smart. And we all know Jack Bauer would make a better head of the CIA than Leon Panetta (I hear a rumor he’s pro-torture, though). And no matter what the post, you can’t go wrong with Mr. T.
Hammy thinks Gupta is a good choice; the nutroots are still whining over how he dared challenge Moore about universal healthcare. I hear you have to take a bunch of antibiotics for even talking to that guy.
Weblog Awards Update
Here’s the voting. Apparently this guy is like really funny.
Question
If Joe Biden went to an undisclosed location, how would anyone know?