Archive of entries posted on 13th January 2009
lolbama! Part 5
This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From Dan:
From Stephen:
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Chuck:
From Critical Matt:
From Dodsfall:
From Jason:
[reference link – adult content]
From Jones:
From Pork & Beans:
From Slaphappy1975:
[reference link]
From The Bob:
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
A Story Bit-By-Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 45 – Plan B
PREVIOUS
Chapters 1 – 39 Archive
“I found him!” Lulu called out. “He got the crap beat out of him by a girl.”
When Doug reached them, Lulu was helping Bryce to his feet. Bryce’s face was covered in blood, and he did not look very happy. “You should see her.”
“I’m sure you mussed up her hair something fierce.” Charlene said as she walked up behind Doug. “Being stupid is supposed to be Doug’s job.”
Bryce smiled and tried his best to act like nothing happened. “I just had a few things to discuss with my lady friend. If she said anything useful, I think I forgot it due to the concussion.”
“Whatever.” Lulu let go of Bryce. “The important thing is…” She pumped her fists in the air. “Hellbender is back together! Yay!”
“What’s the plan now?” Chimezie asked as he caught up with them, Ronove’s prisoners following him closely.
“We’re back together plus!” Lulu shouted.
Bryce noticed one of the females in the new group and smiled. “And how are you doing?”
She smiled back. “No speak English.”
Bryce sighed. “Yeah, they’re not going to slow us down.”
Explosions rocked the building. “So do we have a plan to get out of here?” Doug asked. “I think like everybody is warring outside, so I don’t think it’s very safe out there either.”
Bryce took a long look at Doug. “Loch wouldn’t have any special reason to want to torture you and your friends would he?”
Doug shrugged. “Not any more reasons than anybody else.”
Another explosion shook the building. It felt like the forces outside were trying to bring it down. Hellbender’s new recruits were starting to panic. “Tell them to calm down,” Charlene told Chimezie, “We have a plan for this situation.”
“I don’t speak all their languages,” Chimezie said.
“Just do something!” Charlene shouted.
Chimezie looked to the freed prisoners and smiled while giving them a thumbs up. It seemed to help a little.
“So what’s the plan?” Doug asked.
Bryce took the metal case from Doug. “It’s the sort of plan it’s best not to think about.”
Lulu smiled. “But if it works, it will be crazy!”
More explosions outside. Doug wasn’t sure if Asmod’s and Serpine’s forces were soon going to be invading the building or if they were just going to level it. “Shouldn’t we do the plan now?”
Bryce looked a little nervous. “Um… I’d rather wait until things are just a bit more dire.”
“I assure you things will never be more dire for you.”
A feeling of dread filled Doug, and he turned around to see Ronove standing in the hallway. Ronove was not alone, though. The place began to darken, and before anyone could react the walls were ripped open by black tentacles that grabbed them and held them all in place.
“I regret to inform you,” Bryce said, “but some crazy woman took your cube. You better handle up on that.”
“I’ll leave that to the concern of Asmod and Serpine,” Ronove said. “Loch and I have decided other things are more important.”
A laugh echoed about them. A horrible voice both high-pitched and low said, “So many things to play with.”
“Let everyone go!” Doug shouted angrily.
“Do not waste your breath,” Loch said. “I cannot comprehend any noise you make other than screams.”
“DO WE NEED TO TALK LOUDER THEN?” Lulu shouted.
Ronove approached Doug. “There is only one way out of here. We will help you find it.”
Doug looked around. Everyone was bound by the black things at Loch’s command. Charlene was next to him, and she struggled to get her mouth free from what was wrapped around it. “Detonator in my left pocket!” she yelled.
Doug jerked his right arm and free and reached over into Charlene pocket and pulled out a small device. He fiddled around with it until he found a button. Then he pressed it.
There was an explosion below them, not nearly as loud as those outside, but suddenly all the tentacles retreated and Doug was dropped free to the ground.
“What did you do?” Ronove asked.
Doug shrugged. “I dunno.”
“Hi-yah!” Lulu launched into a flying kick at Ronove, sending him falling backwards. Bryce scrambled for the metal case.
The building was now shaking continuously and Doug could hear a sound like metal being torn apart. “So what did I do?”
Bryce took a cylindrical device out of the metal case that . Charlene motioned for everyone to get close. “Stay near us if you want to live!”
Everyone seemed to understand and huddled near Bryce. Doug could now see down the hallway blackness coming towards them. The void of the wastelands was folding in on them. “Oh crap.”
Bryce held up the device which had rings around it that started to glow. “If this doesn’t work, just know the devil told us to do it.”
Gitmo Alternatives
On Obama’s first day on the job, he plans to order Gitmo closed and then plans to move quickly and fully close Gitmo within the next twelve years. Anyway, here are some suggestions as to where to put the prisoners:
* A freight container at the bottom of the ocean.
* A wood chipper.
* A factory that manufactures pig feed.
* The sun.
Any other ideas?
The Traditional Republican Farewell
President Bush has asked for primetime to give a farewell address to the American people. What’s he’s probably going to do is get the press in the room with him one last time, lock the doors, and totally whale on them in front of live cameras. That’s exactly what Teddy Roosevelt did in his farewell, followed by the statement, “I may leave soon, but these scars should stay with you as a reminder.” It was very touching.
How a Superhero Should Be
Bill Willingham who writes the Fables series (which I hear might become a TV series on ABC), recently wrote on Big Hollywood how comic writers have been eroding superheros (poor Captain America). I just read a comic that’s just like I always wanted a hero to be, though: War Machine. The author, Greg Pak, said if you liked the scene in the Iron Man movie where Iron Man kills all the terrorists in the marketplace (my favorite scene), then you’d like War Machine. Judging from the first issue, that’s pretty true. Basically, you have Rhodes — who is a soldier, not a superhero — with a lower-tech version of Tony Stark’s armor and more weaponry deciding to go to all the hot spots in the world and kill all the bad people — basically the Punisher on an international scale. I think that’s a great premise for a comic. The first issue opens with a bunch of people about to be executed while the U.N. watches and is unwilling to do anything, and then War Machine swoops in and kills all the bad people. No moralizing, no worrying about American hegemony — the important thing is to kill the bad people before they kill innocent people.
Anyway, I thought I should mention it because if you like IMAO and like comics, I think it would be right up your alley. It’s not Watchmen, but it looks like nice escapism.
Last Day to Vote Treacher
This is your last day (you can vote once every 24 hours) to vote for Treacher (not IMAO) as best humor blog in the Weblog Awards. If you don’t believe he’s funny, note that he got the Iowahawk endorsement. He really doesn’t want to get beaten by Jon Swift who is currently ahead of him. Jon Swift has the tired shtick of pretending to be a conservative (when liberals understand conservatives about as much as a dog understands a vacuum — so says Science!). Swift also rapes puppies and calls it performance art.
Anyway, I really think you can help get Treacher past Swift in the poll. When I told Treacher I was going to have my readers help him, he said, “I don’t know if that will help. Their mothers are all stupid whores.” To which I said, “I don’t believe that is completely true.” And he said, “Well, we’ll see. If they can help me, then I’ll admit I was too rash on judging their mothers. If they don’t help me, though, then you’ll have to admit that the mothers of your readers are not only whores, but dull-witted ones.” To which I said, “That sounds fair.”
So you better help Treacher get at least second place or he’ll continue in his belief that your mother is a mentally-deficient whore, and who could blame him?
UPDATE:
Jim Treacher responded saying, “BTW, Frank, I do not appreciate being misquoted. It was ‘stupid EFFING whores.'” I guess I left that middle part out because it’s kinda redundant when talking about your mothers whores.