Announcer: Are you bothered by taxes? Does it irk you to work 5 months a year just to pay money to someone else? Are you paying taxes? Then stop being a sucker!!
Sally Soccermom: But I thought I HAD to pay taxes. Something about caring about the children, or not going to prison or something like that?
Sarah Hockeymom: Yeah!
Announcement: Yes, you used to have to pay taxes, but now we have a brand new book from our future Secretary of the Treasury….
WASHINGTON (AP) – President-Elect Obama was arrested today after evidence surfaced of a “pay-to-play” scandal involving his selection of a new dog for his daughters.
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“I didn’t do anything wrong,” said Obama at a press conference, “the law says that I have a right to appoint a family pet, and that’s what I’m going to do. If the dog’s registration papers happen to be wrapped around a wad of US currency, I certainly don’t see why I should be blamed for someone else’s error.”
Obama’s original plan – adopting a dog from a local animal shelter – was quickly dismissed after he discovered that the local Washington D.C. facility refused to “encourage” his selection by slipping him a suitcase full of small, unmarked bills. “The position of First Puppy is a @#$%ing valuable thing,” said Obama, “you just don’t give it away for nothing.”
According to FBI wiretaps, the American Kennel Club approached Obama with the suggestion of getting a Portuguese Water Dog and $500,000 in campaign contributions. Obama laughed off the idea, saying “if I want a Portuguese Water Dog, I’ll just wait until Ted’s tumor goes off and pick up Splash on the cheap.” He then told the AKC to insert the $500,000 into their eliminatory orifice, fold it in half and “crap me out a cool million, if you’re serious.”
The American Labradoodle Breeder’s Association contacted Obama several days later, stating that a Labradoodle would be perfect for him. Obama was dismissive at first, saying that “this family already HAS a half-breed mutt in it,” but later reconsidered when he learned that the dog would come with a high-paying ALBA Board of Directors position for Michelle.
“The money would be nice,” said Obama, “but even nicer would be getting that nagsome harpy a hobby. She does some really stupid things when she’s got too much time on her hands. Like on Martin Luther King Day, she signed me up to work in a soup kitchen! I’m the @#$%ing President of the United States! These bums should be bringing soup to ME! EVERY American should bring me soup! Especially Americans who want me to adopt their dogs. And by ‘soup’, I mean ‘large, yet discreetly-delivered piles of cash’.”
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Chapters 1 – 39 Archive
“Dude.”
There was nothing but darkness around them, yet they could see each other just fine. The ground below them still looked like the floor from the building, but a few yards away it faded into nothingness. It was like the entire world had faded away and all that was left was the little piece of floor they all stood on. Around them was nothing but the eeriest quiet… until a woman started screaming.
“Chi-something, handle up on your people!” Bryce shouted, still holding up the small, glowing cylinder.
“Okay, but what’s happened?” Chimezie turned to the freed prisoners and smiled unconvincingly. “Everything is under control, I think.”
Lulu addressed the group. “Here’s what’s happened: We destroyed the generators in the building that were holding wastelands at bay. We stole some portable reality stabilizers Ronove had made…” She took one out of the metal case and turned it on. “Thus we’re all safe from irreality… as long as the batteries hold out. I really don’t know what the battery life is on these things. For those who can’t understand what I’m saying, I’m going to smile now so you know everything is happy.” Lulu smiled.
There was a third reality stabilizer in the case and Doug took it. “So will the wastelands stop Loch?”
Lulu shrugged. “I dunno. Seemed worth trying at the moment.”
“And we weren’t on the ground floor,” Charlene shined a flashlight into the darkness, but it didn‘t yield. “Shouldn’t we have fallen when the building was ripped apart?”
“Hey, I don’t know how it works when reality falls apart, okay?” Lulu said. “We’re in unchartered territory. Ooh! I could write an article about this if we somehow survive.” Lulu turned back to address the rest of the group. “Just stay near us so you don’t get ripped from reality.” Lulu frowned. “I can still remember Lara! That means she wasn’t ripped from reality! Well, hopefully something else horrible is happening to her.”
“I think it’s time we pick a direction and start walking,” Bryce said.
“I’m in charge I get to pick.” Lulu looked around and eventually pointed one way. “We go this away.”
They all started walking. “Don’t look at any circles in here,” Doug told Chimezie and the others, “or your head will explode because of the pie.”
“Thank you for helping us,” one woman said uneasily, obviously not adept at the language.
“No problem!” Doug said cheerfully. He looked around the darkness. “I just hope there is an end to all this.”
“There is never an end.” The horrible voiced echoed all about them.
Doug shoved the reality stabilizer into his pocket, drew his sword, and shouted into the air, “Leave us alone!”
“I am a being beyond your comprehension,” Loch said, sounding like he was coming from all directions at once. “Do you really think you can stop me with a piece of sharpened metal?”
“Maybe if I stab you in your stupid face!” Doug shouted despite Loch’s apparent lack of a face.
“Come on!” Bryce whined. “We’re a bunch of pathetic idiots! There has billions of more important things for a being such as yourself to worry about.”
Loch laughed. “The others have their thoughts on what to do with your world, but all I enjoy is making you things suffer.”
“You will fall, demon!” Chimezie yelled. “We are protected by the Lord, and your power is still no mach for His!”
“Yeah, what he said,” Lulu added. “We’ll smack you around with the Lord and stuff.”
Loch laughed again. It shook the ground and felt like it was about to shatter Doug’s skull. “You humans have always come up with such odd notions to give yourself hope. I assure you, I will inflict upon you such agony that you will beg for death within seconds. Within minutes you shall realize that such peace will never come for you. There is nothing that can stop me. You were created for no other purpose than this agony.”
Doug felt a tight grip on his arm. Charlene was beside him, rifle in one hand and looking as scared as he had ever seen her. “He’s wrong. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.” Doug looked up again. “If you’re so powerful, come and take me, asshole!”
“Alright.”
The darkness gave way slightly and now they could see creatures approaching from all around. First they were just moving shadows, but soon they could see limbs with claws. Some of the people screamed, other fired weapons in panic.
“Run!” Bryce yelled as he fled in one direction, firing ahead of him. The others followed, but then the ground started to move. The darkness faded some more, and Doug could see they were on Loch’s ship which was slowly rising out of the ground. He fled towards the edge of it, but then turned to see the creatures had descended upon most of the group and he couldn’t see his friends. Then something sharp hit him in the back. He fell to the ground and saw nothing but jagged teeth before his face.
Gunfire stunned the beast, and Doug stabbed it with his sword and knocked it off of him. Charlene then grabbed him and helped him from the ground. “We have to get off of this!” she yelled.
Doug looked over the edge of the ship into more black. He had no idea how far down it was, behind him were the creatures and everyone struggling against them. “We can’t leave everyone.”
Charlene looked a little uneasy, but she quickly firmed her resolve. “Okay.”
A beast leaped upon her. “Char–” Doug started to yell, but something swiped him in the face. Before he could regain his senses he was falling, staring up at Loch’s ship as it receded further into the darkness. Soon he lost sight of it entirely, and it began to seem like he would fall forever into nothingness.
But it did come to an end.
NEXT
The whole whining about Rick Warren thing has got me thinking. See, the liberals are in charge now and pretty numerous, but they also freak out easy and get hysterical over stupid things a lot. What we should do is be like the Man with No Name and just kinda waltz into town and get different liberal factions to fight each other until their whittled down to the point that we can just finish off who is left. Like we can play those itching for some socialism against the anti-war crazies. Now liberals love forgetting the big picture and fighting pointless battles (remember the Daily Kos obsession on Joe Lieberman?), and the more we have them hissing and scratching each other over things no one other than them cares about, the less time they have to screw America up militarily or economically.
For instance, conservatives could all go on TV and say, “I’m just glad Obama is protecting marriage from teh gheys.” Then liberals will start shrieking and shaking their cages, forcing Obama to focus on that issue allows us to continue torturing people we suspect to be terrorist unabated.
Just remember: Liberals are useless people who have nothing better to do than screw things up for people who aren’t useless. Thus it’s best to keep them busy, and what better way to keep them busy than slap-fighting each other?
You ever think about how Hollywood is supposed to be the most liberal and enlightened, yet they have the most illiberal hiring policies? Can you think of any other industry where the are so conspicuous about discriminating on race and gender (“We’re only hiring white males for this role; blacks need not apply.”)? Also, they’re constantly using child labor as well.
Furthermore, despite being in California, they somehow get access to fully-automatic weapons. That part is cool.
Most people laugh when they read Iowahawk, but I get depressed and wonder if I should give up even trying. Well, I may write crap, but at least I do it every day.
