I guess we should start an Obama screw up count for screw ups made while president. So far:
* Saying Oath of Office.
Let’s keep adding to this as we see them.
Archive of entries posted on 22nd January 2009
Obama’s First One Hundred Days
Some people are thinking Obama might be moderate. Those people are stupid. Here I have the changes Obama plans to make for his first one hundred days.
CHANGES TO BE MADE IN OBAMA’S FIRST ONE HUNDRED DAYS
* Replace the national anthem with something you can dance to.
* Based on his own example, no more discriminatory hiring practices where experience is taken into account.
* Write official apology to the world for being America.
* Throw all openly straight people out of the military.
* Follow through on promise not to touch people’s gun; instead, ban all ammo.
* Later, take guns from ammo-less gun owners.
* Make it a federal crime to be rich.
* Replace weekly radio address with poetry night.
* Nationalize as many businesses as possible; rename our financial situation the Obomony.
* Make worshiping him an official religion so making campaign contributions to him is tax deductible.
* Train military less for killing, more for hugging.
* Vow to return to the moon and remove all those American flags so as not to make it so political.
* Declare that borders will no longer be enforced because the land isn’t owned by America, it’s owned by Gaia.
* Replace national symbol of the bald eagle with the unicorn.
I swear…
January 19, 2009, 2:37 PM EST
President George W. Bush shook the hand of the Chief Justice of the United States.
“Thanks, John. This will save our country,” the President said.
“Thank you, Mr. President,” the Chief Justice replied.
As John Roberts left the Oval Office, the President walked back over to his desk and sat down. He took a deep breath, and a smile crept slowly across his face.
Adjusting his coat, the President picked up the phone and placed a call.
“Dick? George. John’s on board,” the President told the Vice-President. “You’ll let the others know? Good. Thanks.”
He hung up the phone.
January 20, 2009, 12:04 PM EST
John Roberts looked over his notes one last time. He glanced at his watch. The whole process was running late. That was the first change. George W. Bush was a stickler for things being on time.
The applause died down, and Roberts put his notes aside. Standing up, he walked to the podium and faced the tall man standing a few feet away.
“Are you prepared to take the oath, Senator?” the Chief Justice asked.
“I am,” said the junior Senator from Illinois.
The Chief Justice began, “‘I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear …'”
After getting the words wrong, flustering the incoming president, Roberts looked over at the outgoing Chief Executive and gave him a slight smile and nod.
George W. Bush returned the smile and nod, thinking quietly to himself, “One down, fourteen-hundred sixty to go.”
January 21, 2009, 7:34 AM EST
The Chief Justice stood up in the Map Room of the White House and slipped on his robe. He listened as the tall man he had sworn in the day before. He was ready to do his job again, and as planned.
Looking around, he noticed that no Bible was present. This would be easy.
The Constitution allows for that:
“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
No Bible, yet he’d used the phrase “swear” again, rather than “affirm,” as would be appropriate.
“Are you ready to take the oath?” Roberts asked the new president.
“I am, and we’re going to do it very slowly,” Obama replied.
The Chief Justice began, “‘I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear …'”
January 22, 2009, 6:18 AM CST
George W. Bush, private citizen, placed a call.
“Dad? George,” the former President said. “Yes, sir, it’s going perfect. John did his part Tuesday, and sure enough, Obama was flustered.”
He listened for a moment, then told his father, “Yeah, John did it again yesterday. Didn’t use a Bible. Looks like they borrowed one Tuesday, not for historical effect, but because they don’t own one,” laughing into the receiver.
“Yes, sir. They’ve realized that they’re 0-for-2 on the swearing in. John’s going to be away from the office, so it’ll be tonight before they try a third time. John will do his part. He’ll make sure he gets it wrong every day. We have 1,461 scenarios laid out, one for each day. John’s got them memorized; he has a photographic memory.”
He paused. “Oh, certainly. Obama will be so busy, spending every day for the next four years being sworn in, he won’t have time to do any harm. Hmm? Yes, sir. The plan’s perfect.”
The conversation turned. “How’s Jeb?”
January 22, 2009, 5:41 PM EST
John Roberts walked back into the Map Room, putting the final touches on his robe.
“Let’s get this done. Did you bring a Bible?” Obama asked the Chief Justice.
Roberts handed over a thin book.
“Hmmm,” Obama said, handing it to his wife. “I thought it would be bigger.”
Roberts prepared to give the oath again. “Oh, that? I borrowed it from Mitt Romney.”
Hellbender Next Week
Obama to Bail Out Obama Merchandise Industry
Obama to Bail Out Obama Merchandise Industry
WASHINGTON (AP) – During his first full day as President, Barack Obama sent legislation to Congress that would offer up to $500 billion in aid to America’s struggling Obama merchandise industry.
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“Since I first announced my candidacy on February 10th, 2007, millions of Americans have come to depend on sales of merchandise bearing my name and likeness as their sole source of income,” said Obama. “Obama-themed T-shirts, teddy bears, hats, tote bags, posters, buttons, car air fresheners, playing cards, coffee cups, and even condoms now make up approximately one third of America’s GDP – nearly ten times the banking and automotive sectors combined. Clearly this industry is too big to fail.”
But fail it very well may, if drastic action isn’t taken soon. After climbing steadily for two years and reaching a peak of $200 billion on January 20th, sales fell by a unprecedented 10 percent on January 21st. If the current trend continues, experts say that the entire industry could be bankrupt in ten days.
“During the bleak centuries of our nation’s savage past,” observed Obama, “Americans – black, white, asian, hispanic, muslim, and jew alike – have had to suffer the indignity of being unable to buy tacky knick-knacks plastered with the messianic visage of an African-American president. We cannot allow this great nation, now so blessed, to be plunged back again into the holocaust of Baracklessness.”
The President’s bold initiative, hailed by many as the most brilliant innovation since Einstein’s discovery of sliced bread, will ensure that everyone who wants Obama merchandise will have it. As will those who don’t want it, since those not purchasing at least $500 of Barackanalia a year will have their citizenship revoked.
“There is so much more we can do, though,” extolled Obama. “Tattoos, toasters, bar stools, manhole covers, possibly even creative landscaping on the surface of the moon. With all my heart, I want to make sure that my children and my children’s children grow up in a world where you can’t get dressed, make breakfast, or drive to work without basking in the warmth of my beneficent visage. For those without the visionary brilliance to support my plan, all I can say is: there’s a reason I’m making room at GITMO.”
IMAO staff reporter Laurie contributed to this article.
The President Is Worthless
Oh Boy
This sounds awful and I shouldn’t make a joke, but just look at the headline:
“Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle”
I’ll just be quiet.