Archive of entries posted on 27th January 2009

A Story Bit-By-Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 47 – Fallen

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“Ow.”

Doug was lying on his back hurting all over once again from being slammed against something — this time the ground. He had no idea how far he fell, but he was pretty sure he’s wasn’t dead.

He didn’t seem to be in completely darkness anymore, and could see flickering torch light against rock walls. There were loose pieces of broken rock around him, and he soon came up with the theory that he crashed through the roof of an underground cave. Doug slowly lifted his head up and did see a hole in the rock roof, but only black beyond it. He checked his pocket and found that the reality stabilizer was still in there and functioning.

“So how do you get out of here?” Doug thought. “And how do you get back up to that ship? And how can you even fight someone as powerful as Loch?” Except it wasn’t Doug thinking; it was a familiar voice of someone behind him.

Doug sat up and turned around. It was Stan. Instantly he was angry — this was all because of his manipulations he was sure — but he pushed the anger away. “Can you help me?”

“Yes I can.” Stan held out a hand and helped Doug to his feet.

“We have to hurry,” Doug said frantically. He knew they could all be dead already, but somehow he didn’t think that was Ronove’s plan.

“There is no rush, Doug. We’re in our own little bubble in reality. Everything else will wait for you.”

“So my friends aren’t being tortured right now?”

“Not at the moment.”

Doug thought about that for a second. “I don’t trust you.”

“I’ve manipulated you, Doug; I haven’t lied to you.”

“I still don’t trust you.”

“Fine, but hear me out. You are planning on facing Loch, but do you know how?”

Doug saw his sword on the ground nearby and picked it up. “No, but they’re scared of something.” A thought struck him. “They certainly seem to have been making a lot of effort to impress me. It’s like how Bryce boasts the most when he’s least sure of things.”

“They are still unsure of this world,” Stan said. “They know they have power, but they don’t know the extent of it. They know the other world better.”

“I think I saw that! And I’m powerful there!” Doug was silent a moment. “Except I don’t know what good that does me.” He looked to Stan. “So is this God or Jesus supposed to help me?”

“Loch and Ronove see God as an unreasoning, powerful force that you humans are tied to. They think of they have removed that connection, but they fear they are wrong.”

“Are they?”

He nodded. “They are. God is not so easily defeated. The more the try and push against Him, the more He will push back. And that is why you will win this.”

There was a chuckle for somewhere else in the cave. “Now he’s lied to you.”

Doug turned to see a man standing there. He was about Doug’s age and was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, both of which had rips in them. His hair was short but unruly — like he had just woken up.

Stan stared at him a moment. “Who the hell are you?”

Obama Instructions for Republicans

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As you know, Obama doesn’t want Republicans listening to Rush Limbaugh because that could hamper his plans to turn America Communist. I mean, Obama will have all these new laws and taxes he’ll want passed right away, but from noon to 3pm he won’t be able to do anything because the Republicans would be listening to Rush Limbaugh. Here’s some other instructions Obama gave Republicans:

OBAMA INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPUBLICANS

* Don’t bother reading the details of the stimulus bill; it’s boring.

* Stop sneaking up behind me and flicking my ears.

* In bills about the war, stop replacing the word “terrorist” with “Obama’s close personal friends.”

* Don’t get all hung up on this “capitalism” thing.

* Stop confusing my name with Osama. We’re very different. He has a beard and I don’t.

* Stop worrying about whether my cabinet is a bunch of law breakers; their job is to make laws, not follow them.

* Stop warning the American public about my secret police; then they won’t be secret anymore.

* Stop bringing up my wife’s odd, mannish features.

* Don’t tell me what’s happened on Lost; it’s on the Tivo and I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet.

* Stop saying, “Give me freedom or give me death.” Neither of those are on the table right now.

Doomed Climate

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So, we’ve like totally ruined the climate for a thousand years. I’m not sure if it will be colder or warmer or gravity will stop functioning, but it’s done and there’s nothing we can do so we might as well stop worrying about it. Now, some may say we need to save the world for our kids and our kids’ kids, but kids these days are idiots and you know their kids will be even dumber. Maybe living in a post apocalyptic wasteland will teach them some responsibility. Last thing they need is for them to get spoiled by a functioning society.

Sponsorship

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Some companies like Pepsi have been trying to cash in on the Obama craze, but I think the one best positioned for synergy would be Kool-Aid.

“What? You don’t think an Obama presidency is going to be the most awesome thing ever? Give in and drink the Obama Kool-Aid!”

There could also be like an Obama brand gun for shooting yourself in the head.

lolbama! Part 6

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This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Gary:

From Steve:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From ExurbanKevin of Exurban League

From Charliewalksonwater:

Also from Charliewalksonwater:

From EtraDor:

From Ken:

From Pork & Beans:

From TimO:

From Zorn:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Banning of Space Weapons Leaves Us Vulnerable

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Obama wants to ban space based weaponry, and I think we all know what a problem that is. It’s a well known fact that all our enemies are pursuing the next big advancement in military weaponry: dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. What if they get there before us? What if China or Russia becomes the sole country with heavily armed dinosaurs? We’d be screwed.

Now, military analysts all agree on one thing: The only defense against dinosaurs with rocket launchers is a space laser. But Obama wants to make that illegal. So we’re going to have dinosaurs stomping all over America launching rockets at us and there will be nothing we can do except look to Obama and say, “Thanks, chowderhead!”

The man is a failure.

Michelle Obama, racist cracker

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It seems that Michelle Obama isn’t black enough.

The Chicago Sun-Times reports the First Lady is under fire by Amnau Eele, co-founder of the Black Artists Association, for her selection of designers. Or for who she didn’t choose:

In an interview with the Sun-Times, Eele said that she wants the First Lady to know there are other, lesser-known designers that the First Lady should take a look at.

“You know, I have an issue that every day I meet young black designers that are facing homelessness, they can’t buy fabric, they can’t get the things they need,” she said. “We have qualified designers in the community. A young man like Michael Knight (of Project Runway) — surely you could have worn a scarf by him, a Tshirt, a handbag.”

Heh. Apparently, to some, Michelle Obama isn’t black enough. She must wear “black” clothes, too.

Martin Luther King wanted people to just his children “(not) by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” It seems that only applied to the late Yolanda, and only still applies to Martin III, Dexter, and Bernice. It seems it’s okay to judge others by their color. And by the color of their clothing designers.

It’s not enough to be black. You must shop black. Equality doesn’t mean … well, equality. Equality means favoritism.

Welcome to our world, Michelle.