Did you know there are 177 Republicans in the House? Supposedly, there are less Republicans in the House now after the last couple elections, but that seems like more Republicans than I remember hearing about in years.
Archive of entries posted on 28th January 2009
Petition Against Limbaugh
Limbaugh said he hopes Barack Obama will fail, so the Democrats have made a petition against Rush. See, they suspect Obama probably will fail, and then if that happens people will be like, “This is exactly what Rush hoped would happen! He has the power to shape reality!” And then the Democrats will be like, “What if the next thing he hopes is for man-sized badgers to bite our heads off?” But then they’ll hear a loud scratching at the door and cries of, “Kree! Kree!” (which is the sound I imagine man-sized badgers would make). Then the door will come crashing down and the Democrats will be like, “Aieeeee!”
So that’s why they have an online petition.
Top Ten New Looming Environmental Disasters
So whatever happened to acid rain and the ozone layer? I used to hear about that all the time as a kid and now it’s never mentioned? Did we fix that or did we just get bored of it?
People are probably wondering what will be the big evironmental fear after we get bored with global warming climate change. Here are some doomsday environmental causes that are just starting to get notice:
TOP TEN NEW LOOMING ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTERS
10. The earth is getting more oval shaped.
9. Trees have become anti-Semitic.
8. Trilobites aren’t extinct and they’re angry!
7. Earth’s ecosystem was never built to handle so many small, yiping dogs.
6. Monkeys are getting smarter and are plotting to blow up the Statue of Liberty.
5. Whales are becoming anorexic.
4. Earth’s magma is becoming polluted.
3. Canadian geese enter our country illegally and take the jobs of American geese.
2. Earth’s axis is being thrown off by the weight of all those obese children.
And the number one new looming environmental disaster is…
Continue reading ‘Top Ten New Looming Environmental Disasters’ »
Morally Bankrupt Actors Seek Spiritual Bailout
HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Facing a critical shortage of public appreciation for good deeds that they meant to do but never quite found the time for, a group of Hollywood actors is seeking a “spiritual bailout” from Washington that will give them immediate recognition for the goodness of their souls in exchange for a videotaped pledge to get around to performing various commendable acts sometime during the Obama adminstration’s tenure.
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“During the eight years of the oppressive Bush regime,” said actress Demi Moore, “the only people whose virtue got recognized were soldiers, police, firefighters, and other stupid heroes. Maybe those jerks had courage tempered by modesty, but WE have good intentions! Where the hell is OUR adulation?”
“Just because we’ve never done an unselfish thing before in our lives doesn’t mean we won’t do something good eventually,” said actor Ashton Kutcher. “It’s just that we’re a little tapped out on charity, decency, and compassion right now, and we kinda need the moral credit for it up front. We’re definitely good for it. The only way we’d fail to keep our end of the bargain would be if we got too busy smoking crack or getting out of limos without panties on, and what are the chances of something like THAT happening?”
President Obama vowed to make the ethical rescue package a priority for his adminstration.
“These tough times call for bold action,” said Obama. “In order to stimulate America’s flagging feel-good promises market, we must immediately give our brave thespians gratitude and credit for the good deeds that they may very well someday do eventually when it’s a little more convenient and their agents don’t have them booked solid. We need to quit listening to Rush Limbaugh’s pointless lauding of those who put their lives on the line for this country. I won, and I will trump him on that by investing our precious national appreciation in theatrical good intentions.”
Stupid Scientists
This is why I hate scientists. Destroying the world with black holes is a risk worth taking to learn information two or three of them might find mildly interesting. Back in my day — the eighties — if scientists started spending too much time studying things we didn’t care about, we’d put burlap sacks over their heads and throw them in a bog. That’s because capitalism ruled the day back then, and super colliders just don’t fit into that — unless there becomes a market for doomsday devices.
Anyway, if one of these scientists accidentally makes a black hole that starts to swallow the earth, I wrote a Know Thy Enemy™ about it a while back, so read up and take caution.
The opposite of progress? Congress!
So, the Congress is now looking to delay the switchover to digital TV.
Wow. Just wow.
Congress decided we all (even my 95-year-old grandmother) needed digital TV. Then they set aside money to partially pay for the changeover.
Now, the program to offset the cost for digital converter boxes is out of money, and the Congress is planning to delay the switchover.
Who would have imagined that Congress could have created a huge, unworkable, burdensome process … then screwed it up even worse?