WASHINGTON (AP) – President Barack Obama stunned the world today, declaring that he was resigning the Presidency immediately to “start a successful bank in order to inspire the struggling banking industry.” His new “Obanka” will avoid the mistakes of other financial institutions and lay the groundwork that will lead the world back to prosperity
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Obama says he made the decision after spending “literally dozens of minutes” studying the causes of the current financial crisis. “I don’t want to sound arrogant,” said Obama, “but I’m a really smart guy, and I figure that running a bank can’t be that hard. So I looked at what the floundering banks are doing, and I’ll just do the opposite.”
First on the former president’s list – executive compensation. “Millions of dollars for people who are under the constant pressure to make life-and-death-of-the-company decisions every day? Bah! What’s so hard about that? A ‘decision’ just means saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something. Essentially it’s just flipping a coin. How much should a coin-flipper get paid? The NFL says about $80,000 a year. Who needs bonuses?”
Along with eliminating bonuses, other perks are on Obama’s chopping block as well. “Wells Fargo wanted to take their top salespeople to Vegas as a reward for their hard work. Dumbest idea ever! Recognition only motivates weak-minded fools who lack internal value references and obsequiously seek the approval of others. However, on the off chance that a weak-minded fool sneaks through the Obanka application process, I suppose I could toss out gold stars or smiley-face stickers or something. That should pacify those wheedling little attention-beggars.”
As for company transportation, Obanka will be literally ‘grounded’ in reality. “No one will fly in a corporate jet,” said Obama. “Maybe using them saves precious time and avoids the scheduling uncertainties of commercial air travel, but I can promise you that no one at Obanka gives a flaming marshmallow about punctuality. Banks don’t make money by watching the clock. They make money by following government rules forcing them to loan money to people without a prayer of being able to pay it back.”
“Compassion,” concluded Obama, “not profit, is the REAL key to success.”
and he got in on the starting your own bank craze late. Now all of the good bailout money is gone, and all thats left is those crusty old bills. If it had stayed as someones leader for just a while longer, it would have insured a new round of fresh taxpayer funds to start its bank with.
“Once Obama saw the sheet of gold star and smiley face stickers, he forgot all about the economic problems and went to go play in his room.”
*** Breaking ***
Obama resigns! DOW up over 4,000 points in one hour!! 6,000,000 industrial jobs created before close.
Sadly, I almost thought this was real at first glance. That is a testament to just how ridiculous this administration is…
Cheers on a well done article!
NOTE: Does not apply to whitey.
That’s a chocolate pudding thru the nose photo / caption
Breaking
Obama was joking… Dow drops 5,000 points in 30 seconds! 500,000,000 jobs still being lost every month!
I must be the dumbest person in the world!!!!!!!! I have good credit,and have been paying my mortgage on time faithfully since 1999.At this rate I will pay off my house in 7 more years.My 3 kids have college funds and I have moderate savings.What a f@#king idiot I am.I cant believe I have been so stupid to think that this is the right thing to do.How did I not see what I was doing wrong.
Oh yeah,I was busy working!WTF???
If you are a depositor at his bank would that make you an Obammunist?? Do you get a free prayer rug for opening an account?? Can you get personalized checks that say, “God Damn America”? The best feature of the bank is when your account balance hits zero you get a free automatic deposit for $5000 and, monopoly money is exchanged at face value!
He can merge Obanka with Nations bank ——- OBAMANATION—– It is a term that explains his policys and his presence on this earth
Man, we got some good comments flowing today. Without IMAO the next 4 years would really, really suck.
BHO always gets his policy mixed up with his sex life. In this case it’s: Open your account with a few big lies – Make a deposit of hard earned currency – Watch the principal shrink – Be prepared to take out less than you put in (after the shame placed on you for an early withdrawal) – Lose interest (after placing the family jewels in a lock box) – Wish you were allowed to smoke a ciggy – Roll your children of all future earnings – Roll over and fall asleep.
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Yea, verily, mah brothas…the mighty pharisees of finance WILL be brought low by the grounding of their swine-ish corporate jets!
For NONE shall soar higher than thy ObaMessiah-slash-Obammenbanker as He is hoist aloft in His Howdah.
Forgetteth ye NOT the ObammenTruth that ALL finances are Mine to be shared with the Worthy and Select of My Faithful.
(Which means, you racist honkey mofoes git NUTHIN… and if you put a sign in the window of your car that’s MEAN to ME, I’M gonna sic tha LAWS on your racist honkey asses!)
(ahem)
Mindeth ye thy Faith to the One, where every knee shall bow, and every wallet, purse, and account shallt be rendered unto Me!
So it is written…so it WILL be done.
Obeyme only wants to start his own bank so he can cash in on that bailout $$$$$. As Church Lady used to say: “how conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient.”
I do fancy the first 2 words of this post title though. My heart skipped a beat to read “Obama Resigns.”