Pirates are a problem these days. A long while back, IMAO put out a Know Thy Enemy: Pirates but apparently it didn’t work because pirates are still causing trouble. I decided it needed to be updated so I asked my new crack research team (Basil and spacemonkey) to help find out all they could about pirates.

FUN FACTS ABOUT PIRATES

* Piracy started quite accidentally when one ship crew realized how fun it was to board another ship while yelling “Arr!” and laughing heartily.

* Today’s pirates tend to have AK-47s instead of muskets which is considered cheating. Don’t let a Navy SEAL catch you cheating!

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* If people plunder you on the sea, that piracy. If people plunder you on land, that’s the Obama administration.

* Many pirates settled in Canada where after years of peace and maple syrup, their “Arr!” faded into an “Eh”.

* No matter how much a pirate says to do it, he’ll actually get angry if you shake his timbers.

* Piracy is covered by the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that, following an attack by pirates, the U.N. will debate the issue for months before passing a resolution demanding that pirates think about what they are doing, and that if the pirates keep being pirates, the U.N. will consider passing another resolution.

* Reason why so many pirates are missing limbs and eyes: Fred Thompson.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* In response to piracy, Obama plans to open talks with Tortuga with no preconditions.

* The United States has not ratified the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that if pirates capture a U.S. vessel, Navy SEALs can shoot the pirates in the head.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* The Marine Hymn lyrics “to the shores of Tripoli” refer to the U.S. response to the Barbary Pirates in the early 19th century. If the Somali pirates understood English, they’d have known not to screw around with the American military.

* If surrounded by pirates, ask for “parlay”. That will give you time to escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If 4 Somali teenagers get in a boat and call themselves pirates, they can capture a boat with a crew of 21. If those same teenagers try to capture a Ford pickup in Alabama, their bullet-riddled bodies will be found with tire tracks across their backs.

* A pirate ship can be recognized by the bumper sticker: “Pirates get more booty”

* If pirates take someone hostage, you’ll probably get the person back unharmed if you pay the ransom. You’ll also get the person back unharmed if you shoot all the pirates dead, plus that’s cheaper.

* And funnier.

* Cap’n Crunch gained his commission and command of the Good Ship Guppy after bringing Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate, to justice.

* Pirates idea to bury their treasure ending up being quite a sound investment strategy this past year.

* Captain Hook, the pirate nemesis of Peter Pan, attended Eton College. Hook, the starting quarterback in his team’s Sugar Bowl loss to Florida, fumbled on the goal line when the Gators’ middle linebacker bit off his hand.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.

* Long John Silver began his adult career as a pirate, but discovered he had a talent for cooking. He gave up his life of crime to open a series of Burger King franchises after his successful lawsuit against Jerrico, Inc.

* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The most famous historical pirates are Edward Teach (Blackbeard), Jean Lafitte, William Kidd, and Willie Stargell.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* Privateers are often confused with pirates. The main difference is that the president has called for an end to privacy.

* The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a second connected ship and then just getting too lazy.

* Some famous pirates in literature are Captain Jack Sparrow, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and Joe Biden.

* Pirates are vulnerable to cutlasses, scurvy, and sniper-bullets to the head.

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… hmm, enemies at sea. This one is actually a job for Aquaman. Weird.