Before Obama got to the G20 summit, he had some flunkies dig up information about the country, including the fact that it was “slightly smaller than Oregon“.
BOR-ing!
He should’ve called me, because I would’ve hooked him up with information he could actually use, like these:
* There’s some confusion over the terms England, Britain, and UK. England is a country. Britain is an island comprised of England, Scotland, and Wales. UK is a very dirty word that’s missing two letters.
* The British eat twice as many baked beans per head as Americans do, which may explain their obsession with greenhouse gasses.
* In 1752, Britain switched between the Gregorian and Julian calendars, leading to the complete disappearance of the days between 3 and 14 September. Britain unjustly accused an innocent America of stealing the days, causing a resentment which most historians cite as the primary cause of the Revolutionary War.
* There are over 30,000 John Smiths in Britain, including the Queen before she changed her name to Elizabeth.
* Britain’s emergency number is 999 instead of 911, which – over there – is the number for an adult chat line. This causes a lot of confusion for Americans who expect “what’s your emergency?” and get “what are you wearing?” instead.
* In 1745 the government made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts. The ban remained in force until 1832. Anyone who’s seen a Scotsman on a windy day wishes it still were.
* The two favorite pastimes in Britain are drinking tea and frantically searching for a public toilet.
* In 2012, the Olympics will be held in London, with Britain being the favorite to win the gold in the 100 Meter Silly Walk.
* Although people often make fun of the tall, bearskin hats worn by the Royal Guard, it’s been scientifically determined that the hats are only 5% goofier-looking than Donald Trump’s combover.
* Every year in May, the town of Bognor Regis hosts its annual clown parade. A similar event takes place in the US, where it is called Congress.
* Theatre Royal Bristol is the oldest continuously working theatre in Britain and has been staging “Cats” since 1766.
* Cheddar Cheese was discovered 800 years ago by accident when a milk maid allowed a pail of milk to go bad whilst being stored in the caves at Cheddar. Thus its nickname of “Stupid Lazy Wench Cheese”.
* Matthew Webb was the first person to successfully swim the English Channel. He left from Dover in 1875, arrived in France 22 hours later, immediately accepted the surrender of the frightened populace, and renamed the country Webbland, as it is known to this very day.
* The Hansom Cab (the first taxi) was invented and produced in the town of Hinckley by Joseph Hansom in 1835. He later invented the cab driver by founding the nation of Pakistan.
* Popular as a sandwich spread in Britain, Marmite is a foul-smelling, brown, sticky paste reminiscent of congealed soy sauce, made from yeast-extract left over from the brewing process. It’s sold under the slogan, “It ain’t good, but at least it ain’t haggis”.
* Nottingham is home to the smallest public cinema in the world. With only 22 seats, it’s perfect for the screening of any Michael Moore documentary.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I really have to go find a public toilet.
UPDATE – I *told* you not to dial 911
* They have fun words like wanker, and bugger. Let’s try using them in a sentence kids!: The president is such a wanker! Bawny Fwank is an ugly bugger. See kids, both statements are true, and you might not get your mouth washed out with soap by Mom, and Dad will nod approvingly at your proper use of the English language.
Also, being “knocked up” means someone woke you up, typically by knocking at the door at a hotel. And “rubber” is a pencil eraser. So it’s okay to be knocked up with a rubber in England. Nothing actually failed during the intended activity.
They ruined Scotland!
Britania was conquered by the normans in the 10th century, thus basically making the “british”, french. This explains the communism, bad teeth, and overall foul stench comming from that side of the world.
#1 and #2 great observations. It is really hard to read or hear “wanker” or “bugger” without cracking a smile.
Okay so what does “that’s as maybe” mean?
(Robert Hawkins is always saying it on Jericho).
I learned all I need to know about the British from Austin Powers and Mary Poppins
I’m a pushover for British humor. Wait… Harvey, are you British?
Please take Obama and his entourage back – the UK is bad enough with the Obamessiah thrown into the mix.
They think that “bollocks” is a swear word. Come on, it doesn’t even sound offensive.
And, the word “queen” is very different, as well.
Over there, the queen is an old woman with too many iPods. While over here, it’s a gay Elmer Fudd that dates pimps and destroys people’s financial futures.
The British queen has a son with big ears, while the American queen does the bidding of a guy with big ears.
The British queen was clearly not very good at raising a child, while the American queen should probably just be kept away from children.
So, there really are quite a few differences.
OMG, FUN FACTS are one of my favorite Harvey routines! Frank is so much better when he’s Harvey. I miss the podcasts with the Fun Facts *sinf*.
I need to be alone right now…
and I’ll need to review the archived Fun Facts…bless you, Harvey!
Not quite, #4, Plentyofbailouts. The Normans weren’t really French. They were Norse raiders who were given Normandy as a bribe by King Charles the Simple (Truly!) of France.
Theatre Royal Bristol is the oldest continuously working theatre in Britain and has been staging “Cats” since 1766.
And “The Mouse Trap” since 1736, no doubt.
The British have many interestingly-named foods, including kedgeree, toad-in-the-hole, my aunt’s old socks, and toasted pond scum.
#12, So the pansifacation of europe started when good norse stock was able to be bribed by a retarded frenchman? So as early as the middle ages we knew the disease of liberalism was contageous, yet we still have no cure? Damn french fried Vikings.
Do. Not. Touch. The. Queen.
Back away from the Queen.
Strange. I thought we called France “Webbland” because of the green skin that grows between their fingers and toes. I guess that’s why a Frenchman’s arse is watertight.
What’s with all the hate on Marmite? You can get it at most grocery stores here in the states now, and it’s actually really good if you like onion-y salt-y stuff (and what kind of red-blooded American doesn’t?). Here’s the secret:
1.) Buy the bakery multigrain loaf bread Costco sells. You *do* buy everything in 30-pound tubs at Costco, right?
2.) Apply a thick smear of your butter / margarine of choice
3.) Apply a *thin* smear of Marmite over that. If you can’t see butter through it, you’re doing it wrong.
Now, enjoy, preferably with a stock-based (vice cream-based) soup or stew. Man, that’s good eats.
5 star thread, thanks all! ‘Bout time we knocked them limeys down a peg.
However, I do feel genuinely sorry for all these world leaders getting such crappy dollar store and/or trendy gifts from Mr. messiah.
Oh, and “fag” over there is what Britons smoke. Over, here, it’s what Sen. Fwank is.
Mr. Bean, Torville & Dean (hey that rhymes), and Mr. Lucas from Are You Being Served? are the only things I need from the Mother Country.
James: ever tried Vegemite. It’s even better than Marmite.
Stalagmites are good. Saltier than stalagtites. Moister and chewier, as well. Just brush off the guano if ya’ get ’em fresh.
When properly squeezed the average Brit will yield approximately six and one half litters of limey juice
Ok, I confess, I’ve never actually had Marmite. It just creeps me out a little because it sounds like it might be made from marmots.
Which I’ve heard are saltier & chewier than Stalagmites.
Nottingham is home to the smallest public cinema in the world. With only 22 seats, it has more than enough space for the screening of any Michael Moore documentary but not enough space for Michael Moore.
The only thing good out of Britain since Thatcher is Little Britain.
I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!
#9 Would Sandra Bollocks be offensive enough for you.
Nevermind
Rightjabs, I believe you’re thinking of “That’s as may be.” essentially a confusingly elongated form of “That may be.”
#10 – Son of Bob,
LOL, A+!
Cow becomes Beef.
Pig becomes Pork.
Sheep becomes Mutton.
Ducks and Chicken becomes Poultry.
Why?
Because after 1066AD, the Anglo-Saxons raised the animals,
but their Norman overlords got to eat them, and gave them frenchified names.
(William the Conqueror was also known as William the B*st*rd, but not to his face!)
The only funny things about the UK are old Monty Python reruns and Charles (Jug Ears) Prince of Wails and his Rotweiller. Other than that it’s all pretty sad, depressing and derivative.
i have not tried british food may be tasty i think
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i first thought this was a real site but then . . . . 8D
I assure you, the site is quite real.
The CONTENT of the site, though…