Puerto Rico does not want a new monkey breeding facility. Apparently, in the ’60s and ’70s monkeys escaped from a facility and now plague a whole town there.

I had never heard of this.

In school I was taught about how America slaughtered Indians, enslaved people, and interred the Japanese, but I guess they decided to keep hidden America’s worst crime of all: plaguing the Puerto Ricans with monkeys.

And now it could happen again.

Yes, they claim the monkey breeding facility is “inescapable”, but anyone evil enough to actually breed monkeys will probably one day just release them on an unsuspecting populace just for laughs.

Call your congressman and tell them to say no to monkey breeding in Puerto Rico. This world has enough horrors already; it doesn’t need more monkeys.

(hat top to Michael J. Nelson)

My uncle, financial planner and radio show host Bruce Lefavi, has a site War Against Wall Street to try to find solutions to the mess we’re in now, who should be fined, jailed, executed… that sort of thing. He has a blog on it now to try and explain some of the financial issues going on that are a bit beyond me, like whether Obama’s socialist programs will lead to inflation or deflation. Anyway, hopefully something can fix the financial mess before we’re all back to being hunters and gatherers.

Ever seen Salon’s “Ask a Wingnut” column? In it, a right-winger tries to calmly explain conservative opinions to liberals. If you look at the comments, though, you can see the problem. Liberals squeal like stuck pigs if even exposed to a counter viewpoint.

I think this one of the big problems of the conservative and liberal divide. Conservatives in general are much more capable of dealing with opposing viewpoints. We have to be. We’re constantly bombarded with liberal talking points in the news, TV shows, movies, and music. And liberal opinions are not completely foreign to us. You take a conservative and remove some values like honor and responsibility, and you get to a liberal. Since their values are a subset of our own, we can understand them.

But with liberals, they understand conservative opinions about as well as the monkeys in 2001 understood the obelisk. They shriek and get angry and want to smash it with blunt things. They try to reduce conservative opinions down to their own myopic values, but when unable they just conclude that conservative must be stupid and evil since liberals are incapable of understanding them.

So next time a liberal freaks out, try and understand why. It’s scary when things are beyond your understanding. And also punch them in their dumb monkey faces when they speak because I’m tired of dealing with them.

So Massachusetts is planning on imprisoning citizens who try to buy more than one gun in a thirty day period. I don’t know if it will be wise to go after these people, though; apparently they have multiple guns. If I were going to mindlessly pick on lawful citizens, I’d go after those who don’t buy guns, personally.

It seems like Obama is really set on destroying the American economy with his cap and trade energy tax, his taking over healthcare, and his “stimulus” spending. But why?

I think I’ve figured it out.

In 2012, we’re all going to like super-hate Obama and be like, “Let’s get rid of the bum!” But when we get to voting booths, they’ll be like, “I’m sorry, but the country is completely out of money and we can’t afford any ballots.”

So, with no money for an election, Obama will announce, “I’m president now for forever and ever!”

Then we’ll go to get a court order to remove him like the Honduran military, but Sotomayor will be there and she’ll be like, “Wise Latina Senses tingling!” And she’ll tell us, “According to the Constitution, if there is no money for ballots, the current president gets to rule forever and ever.” Except she’ll pronounce it “Constipution” because she’s never even seen the document.

Then Obama will declare martial law and declare a number of fascist edicts, but it will be Biden who announces them and they’ll be weird and contradictory and no one will have any idea what to do. And North Korea, Iran, and the Taliban will each put one hundred dollars in a pool and whoever nukes us first will get all the money.

It will be almost as bad as the Carter administration.

Robots that eat the flesh of living creatures; this can only go in good directions. Now, we just need to program them to shuffle around awkwardly and we can have a robot zombie apocalypse. Bulletproof zombies made from metal; awesome.

Lyndon Baines Johnson ordering pants, submitted without comment.

This whole Sanford mess reminds me of the main problem with politics: Politician. Apparently, normal people don’t want to go into politics, so we mainly gets weirdos. Fred Thompson used the Sanford incident to argue for term limits, the idea being if we have to have politicians, at least let’s not keep them around too long.

Here’s my idea: Kidnapping.

The biggest red flag that you may have picked the wrong person for a political position is if the person wants it. Unfortunately, our current system only elects weirdos who want to be politicians. Instead, we we should find candidates from business and industry and just chloroformed them and have them wake up behind a mayor’s desk or something. Then he’d be like, “Wh-what’s going on here? Who’s in charge?”

And we’d be like, “You are!”

And he’d be like, “Noooooo! I have useful things to do! I can’t be a politician!”

And we’d be like, “We don’t care!” And then we’d threaten his family to get him to comply. You’ve all threatened families before; you know how that works.

Anyway, doesn’t that sound like a smarter system?

Crowder covers the important topics: