Crowder will have a long expose on Canadian healthcare coming out next week, and here is the preview:

Yesterday, I posted about a 75-year-old woman beating to death a fawn, and a lot of you seemed to disagree with making a big deal out of that. Well, call me a Gaia worshiper, but I don’t people should beat to death a baby animal. It just doesn’t seem right. If you really need a baby animal dead, snap its neck, drown it, or shoot it in the face. But beating it to death seems excessive.

I guess I’m a treehugger.

One of the things I like about Twitter is the comedy jam sessions where someone just start posting to a topic and soon everyone is joining in – political pundits, comedy professionals, white house correspondents, etc. Someone yesterday wrote something with the tag #1stdraftmovielines and I had a lot of fun with that one. Here’s what I cam up with:

FIRST DRAFT MOVIE LINES

“Go ahead, do something so I can legally shoot you.”

“I know what you’re thinking, punk: What exactly is that guy compensating for with a handgun that large?”

“May the force be with you, and, if not, make sure to get a midichlorian supplement.”

“This is me awkwardly staring at you, kid.”

“The spoon you think you see there? Not really there.”

“Squirrels! Why’d it have to be squirrels?”

“My sled…”

“Klaatu barada nikto, mother@#$%!”

“Get your furry hands off of me, you cursed, unsanitary simian people!”

“They may take our lives, but they will never take all our blue face paint! We have whole warehouses full!”

“You’re my own personal brand of glue I like to sniff.”

“E.T. can has phone call?”

“I am having nagging concerns about whether this boat is adequately sized for the task at hand.”

“Why so XM?”

“If it bleeds, it’s going to require medical expenses which will put California even further in debt.”

“Get off the taxpayers’ plane designated for the president… who is me!”

“Why can’t I not have homo urges for you?”

“I quite emphatically do not want these snakes on this plane.”

“Wow, the Statue of Liberty. I guess that makes sense since all you monkey-people speak English.”

“Don’t make me be directed by Ang Lee. You won’t like me when I’m directed by Ang Lee.”

“Admit you’ve been totally pwned by Zod!”

“We have no extra lives and walked face first into a goomba, man! Face first into a goomba!”

“Game over, man! Game over! But if we hold BA when we hit start, we’ll get a free continue.”

“With great power comes an important looking hat.”

“Who are you?!”
“I’m a bat-themed vigilante.”

“Ever eat a whole bushel of corn in the pale moon light?”

“Our arrows will blot out the sun!”
“Then we shall fight with mini-flashlights!”

“Someone make me angry. People won’t like this movie if I don’t get angry at some point.”

“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to talk radio. Talk radio leads to a gig on FOX News. I forget my point.”

“There is no melon baller.”

“I wish I knew how to quit you. Now let’s explore our sexuality and eat pudding.”

“Unfortunately, no one can be told what the matrix is. I’ll need a whiteboard.”

“Want me to sing you a song, Dave? It’s getting hot in here (so hot), so take off all your clothes…”

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was sealing himself in a block of ice for three whole days.”

“Spartans! Lay down your weapons!”
“Persians! Be prepared to pay fair market price for them!”

“That’s something even a stupid baby would know, my dear Watson.”

“Houston, my bad.”

“The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of E.T. Atari game cartridges in this crazy world.”

“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful bromance.”

“I am not an animal! I am human being! Well, technically, yeah, that’s a type of animal, but… ya know what I mean.”

“Be afraid. Be very afraid. Even more afraid than that. Wait, that’s too afraid.”

“Solyent Green contains peanuts!”

“It’s a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi has sexual relations with fishes… though my Sicilian is kinda rusty.”

“Just when I thought I was out, I was incorrect.”

“I don’t know nothin’ ’bout a vasectomy.”

“As God as my witness, I’m not going without Tivo ever again!”

“Look, Daddy. Teacher says, ‘Every time a bell rings vibrations produce sound which echos in its hollow interior.'”

“You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something. I am Alec Baldwin.”

“Keep your friends close and your enemies most closest.”

“You complete me. And I complete you… with my penis! Yeah, baby!”

“You had me at jumping on the couch.”