Question on new patient form for dentist: “Do you use alcohol, cocaine, or other drugs? Y/N”
Other questions: “Have you ever received a parking ticket, committed murder, or committed rape? Y/N” “Do you have sex with your spouse, animals, or children? Y/N”

So is the moral of “Jack and the Beanstalk” to not be incredulous of magic bean salesmen? Sounds like a story the Obama administration should really be promoting.

A lot of conservatives don’t seem to like Obama.

Pretty much every problem in society can be linked to childhood obesity.

Mankind peaked when it combined chocolate with peanut butter.

RiffTrax – talking during movies – is yet another art form white people have stolen from the black man.

Argon is hands down the best noble gas.

What best distinguishes man from the chimpanzee is our ability to grow a handlebar mustache.

With all that kryptonite around, Superman should consider carrying a gun as backup.

American cinema would be in disarray if the Chinese never invented the ninja.

For something whose diet consists primarily of fish and berries, a bear has no reason to be that large and menacing.

Microwave is the best radio wave length. This can only be disputed if some other radio wave length could heat up nachos.

Elvis isn’t dead. Elvis never existed.

f judged merely on cuisine, Mexico is the greatest country that ever existed.

“Don’t Fear the Reaper” actually had the proper amount of cowbell.

There is absolutely no point to a bird that can’t fly.

If God didn’t want us to mount rocket launchers on dinosaurs, he would have smote us before we discovered DNA.

Obama is hands down the best black president America has ever had.

1000 years from now when we’re all forgotten, mankind will still look back fondly on the works of Vin Diesel.

It actually took five days for God to make all of creation, but he claimed six for tax reasons.

If robots ever gain sentience, we should stop doing the robot dance as they’ll probably find it offensive.

We’ve become too trusting of our nemesis fire.

I think Wolverine’s opinions on the health care debate should be ignored for obvious reasons.

As much as we make fun of Mars, it has much better moons.

I think the reason so many people claim the Sun as their favorite star is cultural bias.

My favorite cartoon character is Chris Matthews.

The only reason people think the pope is infallible is because of his important-looking hat.

When Formula 1 makes fun of NASCAR, it’s racist.

The revolution probably will be televised, but there will be pundits talking over it the whole time.

Infinitely hot and infinitely dense describes both the big bang and my wife.

It’s Cronkite and the Taco Bell dog now. We need one more.

Personally, I don’t get the Christians or the atheists who think evolution and the Big Bang disprove God.

A vote for Obama is basically a protest vote against the existence of the United States.

There is no birth certificate for Obama in Hawaii. He was not born. He’s a clone! Of Hitler!

Obama: “Maybe Iran isn’t pursuing nuclear weapons. Maybe it just has allergies or something.”

I still have my tonsils. Should I be scared next time I get a check up from my doctor?

What is a tonsil anyway? Maybe greedy doctors just made it up and only Obama is smart enough to figure it out.

Missed the speech because we were hosting Bible study. You know – stuff about the other savior.

Maybe Obama was upset because of a mean doctor that removed his tonsils. Except it wasn’t a tonsillectomy. It was a lobotomy.

Race relations still need work. The other day Obama forgot the White House keys and was arrested as a burglar for prowling around outside.