President Obama has sent Bill Clinton to North Korea to negotiate the release of the two journalists being held there. I guess that’s better than sending Carter. Sending Carter is basically saying you barely even acknowledge the country’s existence. It’s like, “We don’t really care what you do. Here’s Carter.”
Still, there are a lot better options to send to North Korea than Clinton. Here’s some suggestions:
WHO WE SHOULD SEND TO NORTH KOREA
* Mr. T: He’s be like, “I pity fool who doesn’t meet my demands.” And the North Koreans would say that the journalists are actually spies, and Mr. T would be like, “Enough of your jibber-jabber!” And then he’d throw a few of the North Koreans through plate-glass windows and that would be that.
* A Giant Robot: It really would be great to have a giant robot for negotiation purposes like this. It would just start crushing things with its robot claws, and the North Koreans would try to shoot it but their bullets would bounce off of it because it’s made of metal. And it would shoot lasers out of its eyes which is always a good negotiation tactic.
* Fred Thompson: As soon as the North Koreans saw him, they’d be like, “We’ll release the journalists with no conditions!” And Fred Thompson would say, “Not good enough!” And the North Koreans would be like, “We’ll release the journalist plus give you a million dollars!” And Fred Thompson would say, “Still not good enough!” And the North Koreans would be like, “Um… a million dollars plus some nachos?” And Fred Thompson would say, “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
* A Large Wooden Horse: I know what you’re saying, “We’d have to work really hard to build a large wooden horse. Why would we want to give our hard work to North Korea.” Well, see, the horse is hollow. So, when they wheel the horse past the DMZ, out will come swarms of squirrels. Take that!
* Cruise Missiles: Our best negotiators. As Aristotle once blogged, “A cruise missile is worth a thousand words.” You mess with us, you can go negotiate with Satan to let you out of hell.
Of course, all these options are too awesome for Obama, so Bill Clinton it is.
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