New from Crowder, the Nobel Peace Prize song.

Awesome. Love the Zo cameo.

NASA is thinking of sending a nuclear robot to Titan, one of the moons of Saturn. Usually I’m all for space exploration because, as Americans, we own the universe, but wouldn’t we have more use for nuclear robots hear on Earth? Think of how all the Taliban hiding in caves would react to a nuclear robot being deployed to Afghanistan.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “Would a nuclear robot be tactically advantageous in Afghanistan?” I think you’re missing the point, though. It’s a nuclear robot. And if we sent it to Afghanistan the same way we would have sent it to Titan — by launching it into orbit in a rocket and then letting it crash land — then it will be a nuclear robot from space. You don’t think tactics here; when you have that, you use it.

This is just like the other things we need for our military to bring it into the 22nd century: space lasers and dinosaurs with mounted rocket launchers. We need to deploy them as soon as possible because that’s how you get real peace — not made up, unicorn peace they believe in in Oslo — but the actual peace where your enemies bow down and worship you as an angry god.

There should be only one question we should be asking right now: If we know how to make a nuclear robot, then why isn’t it right now killing people we don’t like?

Could the future be sabotaging the Large Hadron Collider? The theory goes that discovering the Higgs boson could destroy the universe, so maybe the future is what’s causing all the problems with the collider in an attempt to stop us.

Other theory: Maybe people in the future are just jerks. Maybe they’re all like, “Look at those dummies in the past trying to find a Higgs boson; let’s mess it all up for funsies since we’re like superior since we’re from the future.” Grrr! I hate people from the future! They’re all so stuck up! It’s like if we went into the past to see cavemen how we’d keep making fun of how stupid they are for thinking the sun is a god until they finally got angry enough to beat us to death with clubs (and for good reason). Your location in the temporal dimension doesn’t make you better, jerks.

If we become certain that the future is messing with the Large Hadron Collider, what we should do is put swine flu in a time capsule. Then, when people in the future open the capsule hoping to see memorabilia from our time, all they’ll find in it is swine flu and a note saying, “This is for messing with our collider, goobers!” That’ll teach ’em.