Archive of entries posted on 3rd November 2009

Beer, the final frontier

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Young Einstein
Young Einstein was right: e=mc2 is the formula for splitting beer atoms

I’m a big fan of space exploration. Whether it’s because I truly believe that it’s to the benefit of all mankind that we push the boundaries of exploration, or if it’s just because it reminds me of Star Trek, I don’t know. Probably the latter. Anyway, I’m a big fan of space exploration.

A lot of Americans used to be that way, too.

However, ever since the summer of 1969, space exploration hasn’t seemed to have the country’s attention like it used to. What happened in the summer of ’69? The Apollo 11 landing. And the last first-run episode of Star Trek. Not sure which caused the drop in interest in space.

Science!
Science! has another way to blind us

We need something to get people’s attention. And our good friend, Science!, has supplied it.

Beer.

In case you missed it — and I did until I was it on History Channel’s The Universe — there are clouds of beer in space.

Okay, it’s not exactly beer. But it’s alcohol, similar in structure to the alcohol in beer.

Geoff Macdonald, who has a keen interest in such matters, calculated that there is enough for 300,000 pints of beer for every person on Earth every day for the next billion years

Space has beer for the taking. That ought to get people’s attention. And it ought to increase the interest in space exploration.

Now, me? I don’t drink beer. I don’t drink any alcoholic beverages at all. I’m that much of a Baptist.

But you know what that means? When we all go to space after the space beer, I’m the designated driver.

Actually, Bill…

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Headline:

Clinton wishes he had left White House “in a coffin”

Frank on Science!: Global Warming

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If we do not learn to respect and honor Science!, global warming is how it will destroy us.

Many people doubt global warming, but it is a scientific fact. Globes have been warmed in a lab. When the earth warms, ice will melt and baby polar bears will die from icelessness. And there will be giant earthquakes and meteor attacks. You may wonder how warming could cause that, but it’s very complicated so just be assured we double-checked the math.

Global warming is caused by greenhouse gases. The biggest contributor is water vapor — but ignore that one; it’s not important. The important one is carbon dioxide. Every animal exhales carbon dioxide when it breathes — which Science! now admits was a design flaw — but carbon dioxide is also produced whenever you do anything fun like drive a race car or watch TV. And if you like reading books, that also makes carbon dioxide some how. This carbon dioxide then traps heat in the air making things warmer. Tons warmer. Like two degrees warmer. And maybe even warmer than that. Like three degrees.

Now, you may say, “But it’s gotten cooler lately.” That’s irrelevant. Science! doesn’t care what you think is happening. Science! cares what Science! says is happening. So even if it’s cooler, its less cooler than it should have been. Which I guess is kinda nice. Though it will kill us all.

And how do we know it will kill us all? Admittedly, there aren’t like falsifiable tests showing doomsday, but all us smart scientists are really sure. As is Al Gore. Also, there are computer simulations showing it will happen; you don’t want to see the condition my Sims are in right now. So there’s like tons of circumstantial Science! that proves it.

Anyway, when global warming really get revving up and starts killing everybody, we’ll be like, “Told you so! You didn’t listen to us, and now you’ve made Science! angry with your defiance! Muh ha ha ha!” One of the best parts of Science! is laughing at people who never listened to you when they suffer the consequences.

Science!

A More Conservative Republican Party

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With Doug Hoffman having forced Scozzafava out and possibly getting elected today, many people are asking whether the Republicans should now purge moderates from its ranks. I say yes and for two reasons:

1. I don’t like moderates.

2. I like purging in general.

Of course, there’s the problem of what happens to the moderates when we purge them. Will they just go to the Democrats? Since moderate is basically a word the media uses for “liberal,” that’s pretty likely. That’s why instead when we purge people from the Republican Party, we should banish them to the Phantom Zone where its really difficult to vote from. That should be in the joining Republicans agreement: If you’re thrown out for being an annoying moderate, you shall be cast into the Phantom Zone. Frankly, I think Arlen Specter would be happier that way.

So what do we do with our new, even more conservative Republican Party? We adopt new super-conservative tenets! Here are my ideas:

NEW TENETS FOR THE MORE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN PARTY

* If you want to propose a tax increase, write about it on your suicide note before blowing your brains out.

* A new, compassionate illegal immigration policy should start with walls of flames on our borders.

* We will not negotiate with terrorists, nor with those who harbor them, nor with those who whine about what we do to terrorists and those who harbor them. It should be noted that “not negotiate” means “shoot in the face.”

* We will not negotiate with those who want to expand government.

* Never again should a useless liberal be president. We must do all we can to put them in their proper place: Doing silly dances while we throw nickels at them.

* Biggest problem facing America: Too many sissies.

That’s just a start. Hopefully the Republicans will adopt these tenets are we might be forced to go to a third party. And you’ll know they’ll just have tenets that are unworkably extreme.

Lightning Round 11-2-09

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The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 11-2-09 Fred Thompson Show:


[YouTube direct link]

lolbama! Part 26

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This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


[reference link]


[“noob” definition for the l33t-speak impaired]


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From Jared:

From Peregrine John:

Three from Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Peregrine John:

[reference link]

From Porpie:

From Travelwise42:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Reader Laurie sent me this one, and I can’t decide if it has more possibilities with, or without, Michelle in it, so I’m offering it both ways. Use either or both as you will:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Random Thoughts

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So Scozzafava even votes for Democrats. What were her Republican qualifications again?

Just because a terrorist bites you doesn’t mean you’ll become one, but you’ll still want to thoroughly clean the wound.

Despite Democratic majorities in Congress, the White House can’t get anything done because private citizens Rush and Palin won’t let them.

Do we make Autobots take driving test, or are we afraid that if they fail it will cause an intergalactic war?

I was away from Twitter for bit. Did anyone solve politics?